This is the first live Bachelor recap where I know the readership will include more people than just CSzem. It’s an exciting time. Truthfully, it was getting a little pathetic at how serious we were taking this show, so it’s nice to know that more readers are benefiting from our sexual ambiguity.
In order to be more welcoming to my burgeoning, pregnant fan base, I took it upon myself to do some research at The Bump to further my understanding of ladies with child.
Yikes.
I feel like I opened Pandora’s box. The gals certainly don’t hold anything back in the comment boards. I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about half the time. I probably should have paid more attention in health class, but I stopped listening once I found out where the penis goes.
One more thing before we get started, instead of retreating back to The Bump to discuss tonight’s episode, feel free to post questions/comments at the end of this column (about the show in general or my recap).
Sound good?
8:03 – St. Lucia kind of looks like Jurassic Park. I would pay $500 for a velociraptor to eat Vienna in this episode.
8:07 – I almost forgot how big of a pussy Jake has been all season. He’s an embarrassment to men everywhere. “Tewks, you mean embarrassing like a straight man writing a two hour live recap of each Bachelor episode?” Touché.
8:13 – “I didn’t even know you were coming!” I’m sure that’s not the first time Jake has said that.
8:16 – “I will wear this necklace on my wrist for the rest of my life.” Human anatomy aside, I sincerely doubt Gia will still be wearing that two dollar piece of crap after she’s sent home.
8:17 – Gia’s breasts: real or fake? I hope real because, to borrow a line from Seinfeld, finding out those babies are made of silicone would be like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.
8:21 – Jake and Gia are in ‘Smuggler’s Cove’? Is this a Hardy Boys’ novel?
8:25 – Gia’s voice is grating. She sounds like Lambchop.
8:27 – Fantasy Suite card! Now, we’re turning things up a notch.
8:28 – Gia accepts! I hope Jake bangs all three of them tonight. If I was on this show, I’d want the Fantasy Suite cards given out when I had fifteen women left.
8:29 – “Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard.” I honestly believe that Jake uses ‘heart’ as a euphemism for ‘penis.’ It’s like Mad Libs.
8:36 – Mama Tewks just brought up a good point. Does Tenley know that Jake nailed Gia the night before?
8:39 – Here’s a Bachelor drinking game: take a shot every time Tenley mentions her ex-husband. You’d be dead from alcohol poisoning before the end of the first hour.
8:40 – Tenley looks amazing in that black bathing suit. I will excuse her blandness and complete absence of personality as along as she stays dressed like that.
8:50 – Tenley’s actually going to spend the night with him? And the plot thickens. How many bases will Jake get? You’d have to think he’d be good for at least a double.
8:51 – Is this the same room where he slept with Gia? I hope they changed the sheets.
8:57 – Did Vienna really just use the word ‘affirmation’? Well, we now know she can read off a teleprompter.
8:59 – Vienna has quite the pair of thunder thighs. She looks like a walrus flopping around this pirate ship.
9:06 – What are the odds Vienna doesn’t accept the fantasy suite card? 5,000 to 1? 1,000,000 to 1?
9:08 – “Do you like thin bands or thick bands?” Something tells me Jakey isn’t packing much a wallop downstairs. Plus, it’s quite obvious that Vienna is pretty, uh, ‘elastic’, so Jake’s preparing her for a disappointment once he gets his pants off.
9:12 – Does Jake even have enough lead in his pencil to have sex with three women in three days?
9:13 – Vienna’s lingerie looks like a sheet from a queen size bed.
9:18 - Ali is so beautiful. Like an angel riding a unicorn on a rainbow.
9:21 – “You drove away with a piece of my heart (penis).”
9:22 – How can Jake honestly like Vienna or Gia more than Ali? Someone really needs to explain this to me.
9:29 – Oh, Chris Harrison shows up for his weekly four minutes of work. What a sweet gig. What would we do without him? He’s like a poor man’s Jeff Probst.
9:41 – I would fast forward through these personal messages. BORING. I hope someone takes their top off.
9:46 – Wow. I’d get rid of all three of them and keep Gia’s breasts. They look fantastic.
9:47 – Of course it was a great week for you, Jake. You’ve slept with more women in three days than you have in your entire life.
9:48 – Tenley. Ok, that’s a smart decision.
9:49 – What the fuck?
9:51 – Let me translate through all the crap Jake is currently serving to Gia. Basically, she is not as good in bed as Vienna and Tenley. Case closed.
9:55 – The Women Tell All special looks fantastic.
What did you think of tonight’s episode?
Last Wednesday, I implored my readers to send in questions/comments for me to address. I got a whopping five responses. I must lead the Internet in reader apathy.
But, I’m going to answer the questions that were sent in because they were quite good. Also, I’m taking Monday off because it is Family Day up here in the Great White North. How am I celebrating? By going to Hooters for dinner.
Q: I'm disappointed to read that you have nothing to write about after an introduction to what I am willing to deem the most unknown and underrated board game in existence: crokinole. It combines great skill, strategy, camaraderie and excitement into an explosive and hilarious half hour within a squared circle of friends. Nothing to write about? For shame.
AC
A: AC is completely correct in his claim. We both attended the same party at the end of January and took part in the featured game of crokinole. We ended up being crowned crokinole champions. It’s basically a shuffleboard/curling mix played on a table top.
This is what my life as a party animal has succumbed to. In my younger days, parties would involve various drinking games, nudity and the loss of innocence. Now, I go to ‘functions’ to play board games and eat off of fancy cheese platters.
Q: The Hamilton Spectator recently ran this article about competitive cheerleading and the Olympics. Do you believe that competitive cheerleading belongs in the Olympics? Would love to hear your opinion and comments on the article.
Those Who Can’t Do . . . Coach
A: My short answer: No. Competitive cheerleading does not belong in the Olympics. I am not disputing the skill, strength and athleticism needed to pursue such an endeavour, but the Summer Olympic roster is bloated enough as it is. I don’t think trampoline or modern pentathlon should be contested at the Olympics either.
However, I do consider competitive cheerleading to be a sport, as it’s markedly different from the pom pom variety (also, because I know who posted this question and I’m slightly scared of her).
To me, competitive cheerleading seems like a watered-down version of gymnastics. Leave the Olympics to the gymnasts and have competitive cheerleading be a place where retired gymnastic practitioners can continue to pursue athletics.
There must be a reason why the guy in the article left gymnastics to pursue cheerleading. My guess is cheering is easier on the body than gymnastics. Therefore, why should it be on the Olympic program as an ‘simpler’ version of gymnastics?
To say cheerleading should be in the Olympics is analogous to me saying Crossfit should be in there as well. It just doesn’t make sense. You don’t need Olympic aspirations to legitimize your sport of choice.
Q: I have a partially torn supraspinatus muscle (of rotator cuff fame) in my left shoulder. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to heal, but there's a good chance that I won't be strong enough to take the mound this season. My dear Tewks - in the face of such a devastating setback in my quest for greatness, what do I have left to live for? Inspire me.
Thy Drunken Rookie
A: I didn’t know it was possible to tear a rotator cuff muscle when your hardest pitch tops out at 43 miles per hour?
TDR, I know how much you love the game, but let’s be honest: your lackadaisical attitude towards hard work and lifting weights were your biggest detriments on your ‘quest for greatness’. NOT a torn muscle.
I’d suggest play another position, but we both know that’s not an option as, like me, you are doomed to only possess one baseball tool: the ability to throw.
However, my friend, think about the positives from this setback. Now you don’t have to spend all summer hanging around a ball diamond. You live in the most picturesque locale in Canada. Enjoy the beach babes; remember what I’ve taught you. Play beach volleyball to your heart’s content. Come visit Ontario. There are a myriad of options at your fingertips.
Don’t fret.
Q: Although the uncouthness of this blog highlights how you speak with other men, I am sure you are quite debonair amongst the ladies. If this is the case, I would like to know your thoughts on what an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift is for women. To increase the difficulty, what does a woman get a man for the occasion? (Please refrain from an answer involving the words ‘naked’ or ‘lingerie’). All I have heard this week is women complaining that they don’t know what to get their man.
I would also like to make a request of you to start a weekly post with your thoughts on Survivor (I know you watch it). This season’s ‘Heroes vs. Villains’ is going to be full of cut-throat dealings with the devil, a.k.a. Russell. My favourites: Colby, Boston Rob, Russell. Creepiest couple on Survivor: Jerri and Coach. Excuse me while I vomit. Also, thank god Sugar is gone... what an idiot. I love how Colby wouldn’t even acknowledge her attempts to seduce him. Someone should tell her that following a guy around like a lost puppy won’t make him like you. Silly, silly girl.
Rambo
A: First off, saying I’m debonair with the ladies is like saying Michelangelo was a pretty good painter. It doesn’t begin to do my prowess with the fairer sex justice.
Valentine’s Day gift? Here’s a rudimentary guide for my male readers. If you’ve been dating a special lady for over a year, you need to step it up with a pretty good gift. I’m thinking jewellery or a weekend away to Pennsylvania Dutch Country.
If it’s less than a year, I think a good night out should suffice with maybe a surprise thrown in for good measure. Bonus points if it’s something the girl has wanted to do for a while. Proving you listen to the words that come out of her mouth is uber important. Be ‘thoughtful.’ Chicks eat that stuff up.
I don’t think women should get men anything for Valentine’s Day. Let’s be honest, it’s a woman-driven holiday to begin with. But, there should be some reciprocation. For that I have two words: March 14th. For information on the significance of such a date, check out my column from last Valentine’s Day. I like mine medium rare.
Q: Since you are an avid reality show voyeur, I wonder if you can comment on the show that started it all: Survivor. Can you handicap the heroes and villains version starting next week?
Dwight from Scranton
A: Two Survivor related questions in the past week. I used to be the biggest Survivor fan imaginable. I never missed an episode in the first thirteen seasons. But, somewhere along the way, I lost my drive for the show.
That all changed with the cast list for this year’s Heroes vs. Villains. I will watch Boston Rob in anything. He is the greatest and last night, he did not disappoint.
I love how his entire tribe said they wouldn’t fall for his charms and as soon as he made fire, everyone fawned all over him. I really thought Coach was going to makeout with him.
I’d never seen Coach or Russell before and I must say I am thoroughly impressed. They both make for great entertainment.
Too much happened over the course of the episode to get into here, but I will heed Rambo’s advice and produce a recap every Friday. It’s too good not to.
So, there is a lot to discuss today. This is the first time since I started the blog (this edition at least) that I actually feel like my writing is making an imprint on this crazy platform called the World Wide Web.
For whatever reason, my Bachelor recaps have struck a chord with pregnant women all over North America, evidenced by the hundreds of hits this site has gotten over the last few days. I don’t know if these gals will be sticking around everyday (if not, show your baby daddies the sports stuff) or will just be tuning in for the recaps on Tuesdays, but I appreciate the support.
It will be interesting to see how I handle this newfound notoriety. Will I fold under pressure like Jean Van De Velde at the British Open or rise to the occasion like Tiger Woods every time he has sex with a woman who is not his wife? Place your bets now, as only time will tell.
Not only has Talkin’ with Tewks provided valuable insight on all things Bachelor and a forum for like-minded reality fans to get their fix of Jake and the gals, but we’ve had some serious sports discussion as well.
Yesterday’s question on LeBron versus Ovechkin produced a passionate response among the male portion of my readership.
I’d like to thank ‘John’ for kicking off the discussion in the comments section. Your additions were invaluable to the arguments put forth, and for that I will even link to your blog.
Unfortunately, my internet friend, this is where the pleasantries end.
I’m not sure where to start, so let’s begin with your first comment where you disagree with my assertion that James is better than Ovechkin and you implore that I ‘learn hockey please.’
Full disclosure: the majority of the long-time readers of this blog (myself included) are Canadian. We come out of the womb with little skates on and a stick in our hands. Don’t ever question our knowledge of the game. I’ve forgotten more about hockey than you’ll ever know.
After CSzem jumped in with his own, astute thoughts on the issue, you continued to bash us over the head with Ovechkin stats and fawning appreciation over Washington’s favourite Russian.
It was at this point that I knew something was amiss. I decided to check out your blog. Curious, I clicked on the Sports link.
What do I find? Every single article is about the Caps or Alexander the Great. Really, John? I mean it was obvious that you have a hard-on for the guy based on your comments, but your links show me that you all but jerk off to pictures of Ovie every night before you go to sleep.
Then I noticed that you haven’t updated your site since December 21st, 2009. Does this mean you actually spend your free time trolling the Internet for mentions of Ovechkin and defending his honour if someone doesn’t call him the greatest athlete to ever walk the face of the planet?
You’re a Capitals super fan, which is great, but don’t mask your man love for the guy by entering into an impartial discussion on great athletes. My buddy Teebs thoroughly put you in your place (I couldn’t have said it better myself), so I don’t want to spend a lot of time debunking your claims.
However, Johnny, you did show how woefully uneducated you are on hockey history with your quote that Maurice Richard was just a ‘skills player.’ Tsk, tsk, Johnny.
Richard was the greatest goal scorer of his time (first to get 50 in 50), but he also was one of the toughest guys in the league. He was his own enforcer. Richard didn’t need someone to fight his battles for him. He cleaned up his own mess.
If you were from Canada, you would know this. Why? From my second favourite Heritage Minutes commercial (the first being the one about Superintendent Sam Steele).
Watch this video. You will see that The Rocket, in one day, moved furniture with a bum shoulder, got in a fight, made some hits and got eight points against the Wings.
Could Ovechkin do that? Also, Richard would take Ovie out to the woodshed if he ever saw Ovechkin’s insufferable goal celebrations. Act like you’ve scored before.
Case dismissed.
Before I get started, I want to give a big thanks to Carissa and Mrs. CSzem for initiating the grassroots campaign of increasing Talkin’ with Tewks readership. Since Carissa is from the US, I am appointing her Director of Marketing, North America (it’s a volunteer position).
Excellent work by Mrs. CSzem for pimping my Bachelor recaps to a pregnancy website. I had no idea such a thing existed, but I cannot think of a more passionate group of fans of trashy television than a group of women all jacked up on pregnancy hormones. Welcome, ladies. Feel free to chime in at any time. It will be nice to have some estrogen on this blog that isn’t provided by myself or CSzem.
There were two stories on Pardon the Interruption last night that I feel compelled to discuss. The first was a toss up question. Who is better: LeBron James or Alexander Ovechkin?
Truthfully, I think the mere comparison between Ovie and Bron Bron is an insult to King James. They are both great players yes, but there is a marked difference between the two.
Ovechkin is, without a doubt, one of the best players of his generation. But, there have been legions of prolific goal scorers with his skill set throughout the history of the National Hockey League. Ovie is just the latest incarnation.
On the other hand, LeBron is a transcendent talent. His skill set has never been seen before in the annals of professional basketball. There has never been a player with James’ size, strength, speed, shooting ability, passing ability or ability to make his teammates better.
Yes, there have been players who possess one or two such attributes, but no one has approached the complete package that is LeBron James. He literally has no ceiling. There is no way to tell how good he will be. Scary thought: LeBron hasn’t even entered his prime yet. He could average a triple double for an entire season and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
Ovechkin or LeBron? It’s not even a question.
The second story that drew my ire was the decision by the New Orleans Police Department to arrest any woman who flashed her breasts during the Saints victory parade. Their reason: the event was supposed to televised nationally, so broadcasters were wary of young eyes being exposed to such earthly delights.
What a horrible knee-jerk reaction. Look, in New Orleans it is perfectly acceptable to exchange a boob flash for beads. It’s the best thing about the city. And these morons want to take that away from us because kids, who can access thousands of hours of porn on the Internet, might be watching?
Where are we? Afghanistan?
Here’s an idea. Don’t televise the event in the first place. Or keep your cameras away from, uh, chestally blessed young women. But, do not take the parade patrons right to look at naked breasts away.
I spend hours each day trying to give women shoelaces for a chance to look at their orbs and all I get are slaps to the face and restraining orders. The lax breast flash policy in New Orleans is what keeps me going on cold, winter nights.
Don’t take that away from me.
Did you really think I’d let a Monday night go by without a Bachelor recap?
8:01 – Hometown date week is always fantastic. It’s guaranteed that there will be at least one crazy family that completely destroys one of the girl’s chances.
8:03 – Why was Gia surprised when Jake stepped out of the SUV? Who else was she expecting? Chris Harrison.
8:04 – Gia has sneaky big knockers. Good for her. I’d pay twenty bucks for a wet t-shirt contest right now.
8:06 – Why is Jake nervous to meet her parents? The guy’s 30 going on 12.
8:09 – Gia’s family looks like an episode of The Sopranos. Her mom’s voice is BRUTAL. I hate the New Yawk accent.
8:11 – Gia’s mother is the definition of rough around the edges. I’m thinking a penis might be poking around downstairs. Why is she pulling Jake away for a grill session already? Let the guy have a piece of bread and look at the menu first.
8:12 – Gia’s stepbrother’s hair looks like a porcupine. Nice glasses, nerd.
8:15 – The brother needs to cool it with the tough guy act. His gay little half beard isn’t scaring anyone. Before he starts threatening Jake, he may want to get his bodyweight over 150 pounds.
8:16 – Nice ponytail on her stepfather. I can’t believe I almost missed it. He looks like a magician.
8:21 – Ali looks like Claire from Modern Family. That is definitely a good thing.
8:22 – Jake’s relationship with Ali is getting “really strong.” So is the tightness in my pants whenever she’s on the screen.
8:25 – I love how Jake furrows his brow when he pretends to listen to one of these girls. He is completely tuning out this dead grandmother conversation. This is kind of weird.
8:27 – They should be flipping this house; not keeping it as a shrine to a dead lady. That baby could pull 300 large easy.
8:35 – I like Ali’s mom too. She seems sweet and genuine. How can he not pick her?
8:37 – This is the second mother in a row who has mentioned intuition. I thought that was just a myth? You know, like the clitoris.
8:39 – Ali is head over heels in love this guy. He doesn’t deserve her.
8:44 – Why do they always run towards each other? It looks so gay.
8:46 – Tenley wants Jake to take charge and be a dominating presence. Awesome. I’ll bet she likes playing the submissive in the bedroom as well.
8:47 – If this dance doesn’t involve a pole, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.
8:48 – Oh dear Christ.
8:58 – My God, Tenley’s family is like a Hallmark card. They seem almost too perfect. There’s more to this ex-husband story than what we know. Something’s amiss.
9:00 – What was that reaction by Tenley’s sister? Is she retarded? They’re certainly keeping that camera away from her.
9:02 – Jake would fit perfectly with this family. All they’d have to every day is smile and cry happily.
9:09 – “You know how to drive a boat, right?” The look of venom Jake shot Vienna after she asked that question was the first time he has shown real anger all season. He almost made up for all his previous blubbering.
9:12 – Wow, Vienna has some major daddy issues. I am officially creeped out.
9:13 – You expect her to be treated like a princess? Run, Jake, run.
9:15 – If Vienna has had a hard time getting along with women in the past how does that not set off alarm bells for Jake? He is a moron.
9:21 – It breaks my heart to see Ali cry.
9:22 – Ah, the old work/love conundrum. Since I don’t have a job, my decision is always made for me.
9:23 – How is Jake even wavering in giving Ali an answer? Just propose to her and end this show already.
9:25 – Yikes. Come on, Ali. I could have done without the histrionics. I am percentage points less attracted to her right now.
9:30 – If the producers had a sense of humour, they would be playing ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” in the background right now.
9:37 – Ali’s not staying. You can tell by her body language. And the fact she looks like she’s about to puke.
9:41 – I like how she’s trying to get Jake to say he’s going to pick her in the end. To his credit, Jake has a pretty mean poker face. He’s not falling for Ali’s trap.
9:43 – Chris Harrison with the cock block!! He’s really earning his paycheque tonight.
9:46 – Dare I say this is legitimately emotional television. My cold heart has grown three sizes tonight.
9:49 – Pull yourself together, Jake. You still have two hot broads and one cross-eyed freak vying for your affection.
9:53 – Ali makes a telephone comeback? This show certainly knows how to keep my attention.
Before I climb aboard the bitter bus and unleash my cutting, cynical observations from last night’s Super Bowl, let me congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their hard-fought victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
I’m happy God decided to allow the Saints to win a football game as a peace offering for Hurricane Katrina. I’m sure the thousands of people still displaced from their original neighbourhoods were ecstatic for the Super Bowl win. At least that’s what the mainstream media wants us to believe.
I watched the game at a party of 25 people, three of whom (myself included) were actually football fans. Tewks, why would you subject yourself to such a football-deficient atmosphere?
Well, the party was extremely well-run and the food was beyond terrific. The quality of the eats at a party cannot be underestimated enough. That is always the deciding factor when I choose to attend the myriad of parties I’m invited to every weekend (I’m like Paris Hilton).
And I don’t even mind if non-football fans are in attendance as long as two conditions are met:
1. The premium seats are reserved for the people who actually have a vested interest in the game.
Unfortunately, this clause was broken as four idiots who knew nothing about the game commandeered the couch in front of the TV. I was stuck in an uncomfortable plastic chair for four hours. My ass was sorer than Andy Dufrene’s after his time with the Sisters in The Shawshank Redemption.
2. Stupid football questions are kept to a minimum.
Strike two. I don’t care if people are curious about the game action and want further insight on why penalties were called or why one team is running the ball so much. But, I cannot stand questions like “What does fourth down mean?” or “Different players play on offence and defence?”
What’s more, these questions were asked by a full-blown lesbian. Like a real manly looking one. I guarantee she could have beaten me in an arm wrestle. I almost said, “Nice to meet you, fella” when we were first introduced. Shouldn’t she know such football basics? However, her girlfriend was pretty hot, so I have to respect her game.
Another guy had the audacity to ask, with a straight face, “Who is Peyton Manning?” Are you fucking serious? Why would you even go to a Super Bowl party if you didn’t know the answer to that question? His testicles should have been removed on the spot.
Both offences played very well, but New Orleans just had a better red zone attack. Manning had a great game, 31-45 for 333 yards, but I don’t understand why the Colts abandoned any semblance of a deep passing attack. Their touchdown was the only long distance completion they made the entire game. By sticking to short passes, Indy made it easy on the Saints defence.
Drew Brees solidified his position as a great quarterback. He kept his composure after New Orleans was down 10-0 and brought home the first Super Bowl championship in Saints history.
The onside kick in the third quarter will go down as the pivotal moment of the 2009 season. I admire such ballsy decision-making. It was a risky play, but the ensuing momentum shift was more than enough to propel the Saints to victory.
The Colts were too conservative and that ultimately led to their downfall.
Final playoff record: 6-5
For not knowing what I’m talking about, I’d say that’s pretty good.
I've discussed the Colts and Saints ad nauseum throughout the NFL postseason, so there's no point going down that road again. I have picked Indy to win every game they've played in the playoffs and I don't plan on changing my mind.
If God really wanted New Orleans to win, then he wouldn't have sent the gnarly waves of Katrina rushing down Bourbon Street. Therefore, the Colts are the pick. Currently, my record is 6-4, so regardless of what happens on Sunday I finish the postseason with a winning record. I love being a football genius.
A short column today because my house is currently going through massive bedroom and bathroom renovations, which means my services are needed to lift obscenely heavy shit.
Here are four lightning fast commentaries on stories currently making the news in the entertainment world. I was asked to write these up by people way more important than any of my regular readers (No offense).
Story #1 – Jersey Shore
My prayers for trashy television have been answered with the news that the MTV hit, Jersey Shore, has been renewed for a second season. Some people have deemed the show offensive and insulting to Italians. On the other hand, I think it’s a blueprint for how a well-adjusted society should operate.
For example, instead of saying that I slept with a girl, it’s more gentlemanly to say that I ‘smushed’ her. Also, French philosophers have nothing on Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino. The Situation refers to his impressively defined abs. But, he also calls himself The Situation. I think he’s a Situation within a Situation. Therefore, he gets involved in situations where The Situation plays a role in getting The Situation into the situation in the first place. Make sense?
Anyway, I know I’m looking forward to the premiere episode of season two.
Story #2 – Grammy Awards
All the single ladies, put your hands up! Beyonce set a Grammy Awards record for wins by a female with six trophies, including song of the year for the infectiously catchy ‘Single Ladies.’ She also looked fantastic performing the hit ‘If I Were a Boy’ in heels and dangerously tight short shorts. Never have I been more willing to hear a woman yell at me for not listening or paying enough attention to her.
However, Beyonce was denied the evening’s top honour, Album of the Year, which went to Taylor Swift for her smash hit, Fearless. At the tender age of 20, Swift continued her assault on music history by becoming the youngest recipient of the industry’s top prize. Obviously, it’s Taylor’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Story #3 – ‘Valentine’s Day’
Romantic comedy fans rejoice! Valentine’s Day is coming to a theatre near you. Opening February 12th, Valentine’s Day features an ensemble cast chock full of Hollywood heavyweights: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey to name just a few. The plot follows interconnected couples and singles who break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.
How this movie is any different from last year’s ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is not entirely clear, but you can be sure that thousands of women will drag their boyfriends, kicking and screaming, to go see this one. Who am I kidding? I love romantic comedies. I’ll be there opening weekend.
Story #4 – Rip Torn
Rip Torn, of Men in Black fame, has apparently thrown his hat into the ring for the title of World’s Drunkest Celebrity. Torn has been charged with a litany of criminal offenses. What did he do? He was found drunk in a bank with a loaded weapon. Why? He was so wasted that he thought the bank was his home. I can’t make this stuff up. Torn even placed his boots and hat inside the bank’s front door.
Court documents determined that his blood alcohol content was 0.203, which translates to enough alcohol to bring down a rhino. He was released on a $100,000 bond and his attorney says that Torn will head back to rehab. I would think so.
Have a great weekend and enjoy the game.
The PGA Tour is in big trouble. Does the general populace really care about anyone else in khaki pants and a polo shirt besides the right and honourable Mr. Woods?
The PGA season is just over a month old and I had no idea. If Tiger’s not involved, I’m not tuning in. And from the abysmal television ratings and lacklustre sponsorship deals, no one else in North American gives a shit either.
How starved is the PGA Tour to make waves in the mainstream media?
The biggest story the golfing world could muster is an accusation by Scott McCarron that Phil Mickelson is using an illegal wedge. Wow, stop the presses. Forget about Haiti, the media now has Wedge-Gate to sink their teeth into.
Seriously? This is the best the PGA Tour could do.
The NBA has teammates squaring off against each other, guns drawn, in an Old West duel over gambling debts and the PGA has two golfers arguing over the grooved face of a golf club. I know golf isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but come on, give us something a little meatier to chew on (that’s what she said).
Let me run down this issue, so all the mind-numbingly, boring details can be digested by all of you bursting with curiosity at such an earth-shaking story.
Apparently, Phil Mickelson is using a 1989 Ping Eye2 wedge that has square grooves. According to the United States Golf Association, square grooves are illegal and not to be used in PGA tournaments. But, as a result of a loophole from a legal settlement 20 years ago, the Ping Eye2 wedges are still allowed under some unusual grandfather clause.
This got Scott McCarron’s panties in a twist (who the fuck is Scott McCarron anyway?) and he accused ‘Phil the Thrill’ Mickelson of being a cheater. Full disclosure, I am a terrible golfer so I have no idea what benefit square grooves have. Honestly, I could play just as well with a tire iron.
I guess it’s somewhat shady that Mickelson is taking advantage of a legal loophole, but I would hardly consider the use of the wedge cheating. McCarron just needs to calm down and fade back into obscurity.
What I don’t understand is why Mickelson would want to use the club in the first place. The advances in golf club technology over the past two decades have been extraordinary. I would think that any contemporary wedge would be one hundred times better than a square-grooved club from 1989.
Anyway, McCarron has apologized; Mickelson has accepted the apology and decided not to use the club anymore. So, crisis averted. Thank God.
I just can’t wait for Woods to make his return at the Masters. It’s going to be an epic event. Then the world of golf will have something interesting to talk about.
I just don’t have it today, folks. A wave of melancholy has struck deep into the pit of my creativity and left me grasping for a column topic. I literally have nothing to say right now. What am I supposed to write about?
The Leafs?
Yeah, they won 3-0. Big deal. Now, we have to spend the rest of the day listening to their moronic fan base plan a Stanley Cup parade because they caught the Devils on an off night. Did you hear the Air Canada Centre crowd chant Phaneuf’s name because he got into a fight? Really? You want to pay $6.5 million to an enforcer? Let’s hold off on comparisons to Doug Gilmour and Wendell Clark and wait for Dion to, you know, get a point.
I actually read one columnist who said that the Phaneuf acquisition will be a boon to Phil Kessel because it will take the pressure off of the jittery American. What a ridiculous line of logic. To hear the GTA talk about him, I’m expecting Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to retire Phaneuf’s jersey at the next home game.
The Raptors?
I spent last Friday writing a gushing ode to the Raptors about how they’ve turned a corner and look to be Toronto’s only shot of having team make the postseason. What do the Raptors do? Completely undermine my credibility and lose to the lowly Indiana Pacers last night.
Not only did they lose, but they gave up 130 points to a team that is sixteen games under .500. Sure, Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani combined for 69 points, but we have always known that Toronto can score points. Defence is where this team falls woefully short. And, I’m sorry, but playoff calibre teams do not give up 130 points to the Indiana Pacers.
Entertainment or Pop Culture?
After yesterday’s opus on The Bachelor, the fleeting remnants of my manhood cannot take another column on such superfluous fluff.
Thus, I am requesting the help of you, my dear readers. Post a question or comment to today’s column and I will answer anything and everything in a future Valentine’s Day mailbag. Just don’t post under Anonymous.
Sound good?
Merci Beaucoup.
It’s Tuesday, which means I will spend way more time discussing The Bachelor than any straight man should. Last week’s live recap was such a success I decided to do it again:
8:00 – How many ladies will Jake send home tonight? 1? 2? All of them? Anything’s possible.
8:03 – Did ABC pick San Francisco so Jake would have trouble repressing his innate homosexual thoughts? Gay thoughts = ratings bonanza?
8:05 – I need more of Tenley bouncing up and down in my life.
8:09 – I thought San Francisco trolleys were electric? I don’t think that bus meets emission standards.
8:11 – They’re making fortune cookies in Chinatown. Could this be any more stereotypical? Was a karate lesson not available?
8:13 – Ali and Vienna on the group date!! Amazing!!
8:14 – Oh, nice misdirection by Corrie. She had me fooled. We may have the next Meryl Streep in our midst.
8:15 – Catfight, catfight, catfight!!! Strip down to bra and panties! Actually, Vienna can keep her clothes on.
8:16 – Sister Tewks just said she likes Vienna. I asked her to leave.
8:19 – Now she’s making fun of Tenley’s voice. I think she’s just trying to piss me off.
8:20 – Nice turtleneck, Jake. Does he try to be a loser in the first hour or this just a coincidence?
8:23 – “Her fingers are really fat. They look like claws.” From the mouth of Sister Tewks about Tenley. Unbelievable. I love watching this show with women. The level of cattiness astounds me. Rational thought just flies right out the window.
8:28 – The chest filled with clothes for Vienna and Gia’s 2 on 1 date reminds me of Mr. Dressup’s tickle trunk.
8:30 – “I’m a little nervous going on a date with two women.” Just have sex with both of them, Jake.
8:35 – Vienna might have an extra chromosome or two. I mean she looks retarded with a capital R.
8:36 – “You can eat my salmon.” Nice job, Gia. Boom. Roasted.
8:38 – Vienna is uber creepy. Why is she holding that lantern like a medieval dungeon master? This is terrifying.
8:46 – “I want Jake to see my fun side.” Corrie, honey, let me give some advice. If your fun side doesn’t include you topless, he’s not interested.
8:47 - Ok, Vienna has stalker like tendencies. I would kick her out of the castle post haste. Vienna doesn’t need to go back upstairs Jake, she needs to go home.
8:55 – This rowboat date reminds me of The Notebook . . . Christ, I’m such a homo.
8:56 – Kiss her, Jake! Jesus, he has zero game. How can you not tell she wants you to kiss her? This is painful.
8:57 – “I’m about ready for dinner.” That was the highest of comedy. You are pathetic, Jake. Grow a pair, my friend.
9:01 – Corrie’s a virgin!! Do they still make those?
9:02 – It doesn’t bother you, Jake? Bullshit. She’s gone tonight. Why is she on this show if she’s a virgin? Does she really want her first time to be on national television on an overnight date?
9:07 – Ali is like an angel sent from Heaven to give me an erection every Monday night.
9:13 – Now, both Mama and Sister Tewks are trashing Ali’s voice. The claws are out tonight.
9:18 – Ali gives backrubs too? She is the perfect women. Wow, look at her straddling him. Little Jake must be standing to attention right now.
9:22 – “Do you want to jump in the water?” No, not really.
9:30 – “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” This is good damage control by Corrie. Let him know that you won’t sleep with him, but you’ll go down on him. That’s what she means, right?
9:43 – “Ali’s the kind of girl you can just curl up with and be safe.” JAKE, YOU ARE A MAN. Start acting like one.
9:49 – That’s two weeks in a row Tenley got the first rose. She may be the new frontrunner.
9:50 - My girl Ali is right behind.
9:51 – Gia is currently putting together a solid performance and flying under the radar. Now she’s got a hometown date. Good for her.
9:51 – Vienna again? What is wrong with you?
9:52 – He obviously got rid of Corrie because she’s a virgin. Just admit it, Jake. I won’t judge. I would have done the same thing.
9:52 – “I was concerned that Corrie wouldn’t open up fully.” My thoughts exactly.
Revised Top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Gia
981. Vienna
I do have to give Leaf fans credit: they are eternally optimistic.
Jesus, by listening to the radio and reading some of the comments on the web, you would have thought Brian Burke was able to trade for Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk respectively. Let’s all take a deep breath and take a look at this trade piece by piece, starting with the new Leafs:
Dion Phaneuf
I find it very revealing that casual Leaf fans are more excited about this trade than any established members of the hockey intelligentsia. There’s a reason why Phaneuf was left off the Canadian Olympic team (how funny is it that he is in the ‘Force Fate’ Nike commercial? It cracks me up every time).
He has regressed greatly over the past two years. Phaneuf is no longer the same player who was a 2008 Norris Trophy finalist. He’s not even the same player that Pierre McGuire had an on-air orgasm over during every game of the 2005 World Junior Championship. Phaneuf is the Benjamin Button of NHL defencemen.
Can he even handle playing in the biggest hockey market in the world? I don’t think so. Phaneuf doesn’t even have a thick enough skin to not care when Sean Avery points out, correctly, that his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, is a puck bunny. What’s going to happen when the media is all over Phaneuf for one of his patented bonehead passes? The guy will have a mental breakdown.
Jean-Sebastien Giguere
Is he really that big of an upgrade over Vesa Toskala? Once again, Leaf fans are falling in love with the name. Sure, Giguere was terrific in the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs when he led the Anaheim Ducks to victory, but he’s been completely average since then.
And now we’re going to have to deal with sportswriters making corny ‘Getting Jiggy with It’ jokes for the rest of the season. Fantastic.
Fredrik Sjostrom
He’s from Sweden.
Keith Aulie
He’s not old enough to drink in the United States.
Now for the players lucky enough to leave Toronto’s sinking ship:
Vesa Toskala
He’s an average NHL goaltender. Average NHL goaltenders cannot succeed on terrible teams like the Leafs.
Jason Blake
The only player in the NHL capable of having ten shots on net per game without ever skating near the crease; like Gretzky in his prime, it’s something we may never see again.
Niklas Hagman
I have never seen him break a sweat or give the illusion that he gives a shit about wins and losses. Good riddance.
Jamal Mayers
He’s a black guy.
Ian White
I actually really like Ian White. He’s a solid blue-collar guy who isn’t afraid to mix it up in the corners. Plus, you can always count on him to have terrific facial hair. He will be missed.
Matt Stajan
This was the first year of his career that he actually showed promise to develop into a bona fide second line centre. About three years too late. Stajan is probably the most surprising person to be moved, but was probably a key piece in acquiring Phaneuf since he’s conservatively priced.
To sum up: the Leafs are still terrible, but their payroll is now higher. Nice job, Burkie.
The Toronto Raptors are completely flipping the script on what is expected of a professional sports franchise in the Big Smoke. The Raptors have ignored the memo that Toronto teams are supposed to be cellar dwellers, where the possibility of a playoff spot is nothing more than a dream vanishing into the air like chimney smoke on a bitterly cold, winter’s day (yes, I am looking out the window).
I know I have been brutally tough on the Raptors, Chris Bosh specifically, in the past, but I must admit I am very impressed with their play of late. My biggest problem with the team has been that they don’t play with heart and don’t appear to possess one iota of mental toughness or testicular fortitude.
The Raptors are a talented team, but talent can only take you so far. Talent can get you forty wins in a season, with the majority of them coming against teams below you in the standings. To succeed in the postseason, where it counts, you need grit, heart and sandpaper. The top teams in the NBA have this in spades. If they are going to lose a game, then they are going to go down fighting.
Too often, the Raptors just lie down and die in the face of adversity. But, something has changed in the last couple of weeks. They’re starting to play with a swagger. They believe they can hang with teams in the upper echelon of the NBA. It’s becoming exciting to follow the Raptors again.
To whom can the turnaround be attributed? One man and one man only: Jay Triano.
It’s Triano who is responsible for instituting a culture of accountability and challenging his players to play with an edge. Unfortunately, it took him half a season to get his European and American born players to start playing like a bunch of playoff-hungry Canadians.
Even Hedo Turkoglu has proved to be up to the challenge. For the first three months of the season, he played like a corpse. Over the last few weeks, Turkoglu appears to be at least playing with a pulse and the mobility of a geriatric. Maybe by the time playoffs roll around he will resemble a professional basketball player.
I might even have to start watching Raptors games again, instead of just watching the highlights or reading the game recaps the next morning. Look at who they’ve beaten in 2010: Orlando Magic, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat and the Knicks on the road.
It’s pathetic that this city gets excited about a team that’s three games over .500 but, let’s be honest, beggars can’t be choosers.
For the second day in a row, a lengthy suspension has dominated the headlines at Talkin’ with Tewks. NBA Commissioner, David Stern, has suspended both Gilbert Arenas and Javari Crittenton for the rest of the 2009-10 season for bringing firearms into the Verizon Centre locker room.
What’s most intriguing about this story is that the NBA actually has a law in place to punish such actions. Apparently, the Wizards guards became the first players to violate an NBA rule that prohibits firearms on team property.
Does anyone else find it disconcerting that such a rule needs to be instituted in the first place?
I would think that functional members of society would inherently understand that bringing guns into the workplace is probably not a good idea. It’s terrifying to think that the NBA was so concerned about this issue that it needed to be added to a clause in the collective bargaining agreement.
I know the political correct police get up in arms when NBA players are referred to as thugs, but what else do you call people who resort to brandishing guns after a card game dispute?
What planet are these guys living on? They do realize that movies like The Good, the Bad and the Ugly and Tombstone are made up, right? They are supposed to be professionals; professionals don’t act like petulant gang bangers who wave guns in the air to overcompensate for their small penises.
This cowardly display of steel to exert authority and appear menacing is so typical of basketball players in general. They all preen and prance around, acting like the toughest hombres in town (see Bosh, Chris), but what happens when these mincing dandies are faced with an actual confrontation?
They resort to childish slaps and hope that teammates will come “hold them back” from getting into a donnybrook.
Have you seen a basketball fight? It’s pathetic. These supposedly big, tough guys turn into nine year olds girls fighting on the playground. There’s yelling and screaming, probably some crying, and futile attempts at bitch slapping the object of their derision.
There’s a reason why these big ladies need to carry guns around. They can’t settle scores real man style, so they need to hide behind their glocks. You wouldn’t see hockey players waving guns at each other after a locker room dispute. They’d settle it with their fists, shake hands and then go get a beer.
That’s the manly (and Canadian) way. Oddly enough, those terms are not mutually exclusive.
I’ve steered clear of commenting on the vicious elbow Patrice Cormier delivered to the head of Mikael Tam because I wanted to wait and see if the QMJHL would have the cojones to dole out a proper punishment. Surprisingly, they did, and the league meted out a suspension for the rest of the season and playoffs to Canada’s World Junior captain.
I figured the issue was to put to bed and I could avoid discussing it since I’ve already given my thoughts on head shots in hockey. However, I read in the Toronto Star today that Patrice Cormier plans to appeal his suspension because it’s “too severe.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
(Quick aside: Excellent work, as always, by CSzem with his thoughts on The Bachelor. In fact, his insight is almost too good. You swear you’re not getting help from your wife? Also, have you made any progress with The Bachelor podcast idea? We need to make this happen. Click on my contributor link and send me an email. A brainstorm session may be needed.)
Cormier’s cowardly attack on Lam wasn’t a clean hit gone awry, like Michael Liambis’ hit on Ben Fanelli earlier in the year. This was premeditated thuggery with the intent to severely injure. There is no other explanation for such a brutal act.
Cormier came off the bench and used his elbow as a battering ram to knock the oblivious Lam into next week. In some cases, elbow shots to the head can occur if the opposing player ducks his at the last minute or there is a large size discrepancy between players. Those instances are just unfortunate accidents.
In this case, Cormier actually stuck his elbow into the air to clock Lam in the face. It was the epitome of a cheap shot and the work of a complete pussy.
Watching Lam lay bloody and battered on the ice, his body wracked with convulsions, was one of the most disturbing things I have ever witnessed on the ice (second only to Todd Bertuzzi’s blind side mugging of Steve Moore six years ago). Did Cormier show any remorse? Nope. He nonchalantly skated off the ice like he just got a two minute penalty for interference.
This isn’t even the first time Cormier has used an errant elbow as a battering ram. In the World Juniors, he broke the nose of a Swedish player while skating off the ice for a line change. In that case, the puck was nowhere near the incident. Evidently, Cormier is just an inconsiderate asshole who needs to taste the heavy fists of justice.
I sincerely hope the QMJHL sticks to its guns and keeps Cormier banned for the rest of the season. Playing junior hockey is a privilege and Cormier has shown that he doesn’t deserve such a privilege.
I love how the New Jersey Devils have decided to honour the suspension and won’t send Cormier to their farm team to circumvent the CHL ban.
Truthfully, Cormier shouldn’t even be given a chance to come back until Mikael Lam has fully recovered from his injuries and is back on the ice himself. Then the punishment would truly fit the crime.
As promised, here is a two hour live recap of last night’s episode of The Bachelor:
8:00 – I sit here in my living room with Mama and Sisters Tewks. We’re having a girl’s night. Papa Tewks is nowhere to be found. I suspect he is out looking for a straight son.
8:01 – Watching the episode preview, Mama Tewks just remarked that Jake “is thinking too much with his penis.” This should be an interesting evening.
8:02 – A 2 on 1 date? Now we’re talking. Sounds like a regular Saturday night in my bedroom.
8:03 – Have these girls never seen a bus before? Why do they squeal every time something happens?
8:06 – How many times do we need to see Jake on his motorcycle? Yeah, we get it; he’s like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
8:07 – “If I have to take one for the team and do the 2 on 1, I’ll do it.” Atta girl, Ali. I love her now more than ever.
8:09 – These women are in their twenties, correct? It feels like I’m in the cafeteria in junior high school.
8:14 – Why do they run everywhere? They’re playing hide and seek? Jesus Christ, this is pathetic. Gia's laugh is excruciating. I want to kill myself.
8:15 – Ten bucks Jake has a boner with Gia wrapped around his waist.
8:16 – I’m pretty sure everyone stills call you Mr. Dateless, Jake.
8:17 – Spin the bottle: first time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is . . . penis?
8:18 – Why does Jake always bury his face into these broads’ shoulders? Methinks Jake has some unresolved mommy issues.
8:23 – Ok, let’s be honest. He’s only cooking hot dogs because he wants to see phallic shaped foods enter her mouth.
8:28 – When Gia talks it sounds like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth.
8:28 – What do the girls mean when they say “give it all away?” I think their definition and my definition is a little different considering none of them have been naked yet. They must mean emotions and junk.
8:34 – Jake is like that loser in Grease 2 who tries to use a bike to look cool.
8:35 – Ok, we’re at the beach. I better see some fake boobs in a bikini or I’m going to lose my mind.
8:38 – If these girls did Crossfit, they’d be able to get the dune buggy unstuck.
8:39 – “It’s all over my face!” That’s what she said.
8:40 – “I invited everyone to roll down the hill.” Why? These dates seem like the opposite of fun. I would refuse to do any of this bullshit.
8:46 – “I have sand in every crevice in my body”. Oddly, that comment aroused me.
8:47 – Thanks for dressing up for the group dinner, Jake. It looks like he’s going to buy lumber at Home Depot.
8:48 – Do we have confirmation that Jake has ever been with a woman before? He is the epitome of awkward.
8:52 – Why is he laying on top of her like that? What happened to the testicles Jake seemingly developed last week? I am embarrassed as a member of the male gender right now.
8:55 – Vienna is pretty wide. She’s got a linebacker’s frame. She looks like one of the rock formations at Stonehenge.
9:03 – I think Ella gets hotter every episode. She’s starting to grow on me. Kathryn looks like Jay Leno’s daughter.
9:05 – “I look for faith and family values.” Me too, Jake.
9:06 – I would get absolutely hammered drunk on this 2 on 1 date.
9:09 – Oh, Kathryn, nagging and being a bitch is not the way to get a husband. You’re gone, sweetheart.
9:16 – That was a shocker. Ella is a babe. I bet it’s because she has a kid. Too much baggage.
9:18 – WOW!!!! Double elimination. Now that’s a twist. Nice move, Jake. He always seems to redeem himself in the second hour of the episode.
9:20 – Why are they crying that both chicks are gone? Shouldn’t they be happy? I don’t understand this show.
9:28 – Corrie’s gone too. “Do I make you nervous? Why not?” Shut up. No, Corrie, you’re not good looking enough to make me nervous, you arrogant skank.
9:30 – Ali is amazing. I might have to creep her on Facebook after this episode. Maybe give her a little poke. Or is that too soon?
9:34 – How much does Chris Harrison make for hosting this show? He does absolutely nothing. What a sweet gig. Excuse me ladies, I have to make a quick toast and get a production assistant to forge my signature on a date card. Now, where’s my cheque?
9:42 – Stop crying. Christ, this guy is such a pussy.
9:43 – He wants to get rid of two more? Jake is running through these broads like nobody’s business. For a complete wuss, he’s a cold-hearted player.
9:49 – I don’t know how Jake can get rid of Ashleigh in that dress. Wow. Let’s just say my computer just flipped involuntarily off my lap.
9:54 – “It’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal.” It is? I did not get that memo.
Well, this was fun. My revamped top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. I don’t like the rest of them.
I knew it couldn’t last the entire season. I knew Brett Favre’s conservative passing attack and smart decision-making would eventually be thrown out the window and he’d return to his gunslinging ways.
However, I didn’t expect that we’d have to wait until the NFC Championship game for Favre’s typical, ill-advised, go-for-broke style of play. Despite everything I’ve written about him ), I must concede that I’ve been very impressed with Favre’s play all year long.
He played great during the regular season. Why? Because he stopped trying to be the hero and just conducted himself like another member of the team. There’s a reason why he threw so few interceptions this season: he stuck to making high percentage throws and leaned on his running game more so than in Green Bay.
It’s amazing what can happen when you stop making stupid throws and force balls into triple coverage. Instead, check down your receivers and make the easiest pass. It’s not rocket science. Favre did this beautifully all season and I begrudgingly rated him to be one of the top five quarterbacks in the NFL this year.
Even last night, through fifty-nine minutes of the game, Favre’s stellar performance had the Vikings on the precipice of their fifth Super Bowl appearance. In fact, if it wasn’t for Minnesota’s complete inability to hang onto the football, the Vikings would have blown the Saints out of the water.
Still, Minnesota was poised to kick a field goal with no time remaining on the clock to win the game in regulation. With nineteen seconds left, in Saints territory, Favre rolled out to his right, looking to pick up another ten yards to give Ryan Longwell a chance to boot the pigskin through the uprights.
Favre looked upfield and saw no defenders in his vicinity. He could have easily ran the ball himself, slid for a first down and given Longwell a very makeable field goal attempt. That was the safe play. That was the smart play. That was the play we’d come to expect from the 2009 version of Brett Favre.
Unfortunately, the lure of his old swashbuckling ways was too much to pass up. Favre stupidly forced a throw across his body in a blanket of coverage. Sure enough, he was picked off, the Saints won the toss and New Orleans was off celebrating their first Super Bowl berth in team history.
What a bonehead decision by Favre; although, it was probably a good outcome for my sanity. With Favre limping around on his gimpy ankle and still making completions, I could have not have tolerated the fawning appreciation by the media over Brett if the Vikings had, in fact, won. Honestly, if Favre led the game-winning drive last night, I’m pretty sure he would have been elected President of the United States.
How about Peyton Manning? He adjusted beautifully to the Jets suffocating defensive coverage and brought the Colts back from an early 11 point deficit to earn his second Super Bowl trip. Manning is the most prepared quarterback to ever play the game. He literally imposes his will on teams. I don’t see how the Colts can be stopped.
Kudos to Dirty Sanchez and the J-E-T-S. They gave a valiant effort and look to be a force in the AFC for the foreseeable future. They are only going to get better.
A 2-0 Conference Championship weekend puts my playoff record at 6-4 with one game remaining. I challenge any paid football prognosticator to put their abilities (and paycheque) up against Tewks in a football knowledge battle royale.
I cannot be stopped.
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