Who is Tewks?
An immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and pink lemonade.
What to expect from this blog?
Sports, pop culture and veiled sexual references. Updated every Tuesday, Thursday, and most Fridays with posts deemed "mildly amusing" by literally tens of people.
Great comments on last week’s Bachelor recap; let’s keep it going today. Evidenced by their thoughts on the episode and yesterday’s podcast, I think it’s fairly obvious that CSzem and the missus will not name their firstborn Jake or Vienna.
8:01 – I’m not really sure what to expect from this Women Tell All episode. I sincerely hope it doesn’t turn into a screechy, bloated version of The View. If that happens, I can no longer fake having any semblance of manhood. It will be official: I’m a chick.
8:03 – Here’s what I don’t understand about the Rozlyn ‘scandal’. Why wouldn’t Jake want to talk to her and get her side of the story? Something is fishy there.
8:05 – I am getting so upset about the Elizabeth situation. Ladies, we hate games like that. That was ridiculous. I would have kicked her off the show right on that park bench. Do not pass Go; do not collect 200 dollars.
8:07 – Nice turtleneck on that San Fran date with Tenley, Jake. What a loser. He looked like Clay Aiken.
8:13 – I don’t know who any of these people are. So, they’re all sluts? I don’t understand the point of this segment. A bunch of reality TV nobodies went on a free cruise?
8:16 – Wes is the man. Just a virtuoso performance last season. “My dating life didn’t suck to begin with.” I want to be friends with him.
8:21 – Charity contributions? Are you fucking kidding me? Who wants volunteer help from these morons? This is painful to watch right now. I don’t know if I can hang in until ten o’clock. This episode could have easily been an hour.
8:24 – I DON’T CARE!!!!
8:26 – Who names their kid Bettina or McCarten? I seriously hate my life. If I did a podcast right now, it would be a continuous string of expletives.
8:31 - I want the last thirty minutes of my life back.
8:33 – I could have done without the soft core shower scene of Jake’s torso.
8:34 – I forgot how much I missed Rozlyn. She might be the hottest chick in the history of this show. Little Tewks is rapt with attention right now.
8:38 – Jesus Christ. Elizabeth, the reason you got voted has nothing to do with the fact you wouldn’t kiss him. It’s due to you being an incorrigible cock tease.
8:46 – Gia looks like Ru Paul in that dress.
8:48 – “Is it ok to fall?” “It’s ok to fall.” Is it ok to put a revolver in my mouth and pull the trigger?
8:57 – Michelle’s summary is like the trailer for a serial killer movie. She makes Hannibal Lecter look like Mr. Rogers.
9:00 – Ali laying the smackdown on Michelle. I like it.
9:02 – I almost feel bad for Michelle here. These girls are ripping her apart. She almost seems normal. I think I’m getting soft in my old age.
9:07 – “Oh, she’s got cellulite.” Mama Tewks about Ali. What do you even say to something that irrational? The cattiness at Casa di Tewks has increased exponentially in the second hour.
9:09 – Jake, Jake, Jake. If you liked it, then you should have put on a ring on it.
9:11 – The Ali debacle would have been so much simpler if this show took place in 1950 when women weren’t allowed to work.
9:13 – Classy move by Ali apologizing to Vienna. She’s wonderful. I don’t even think I could have sex with Ali. You don’t ‘bang’ a girl like that. You make love to her. With candles and rose petals and a copy of Air Supply’s greatest hits.
9:19 – I can’t even pay attention to what Chris Harrison is saying right now. Rozlyn is retardedly hot. Like Rain Man level hotness.
9:23 – For the biggest ‘shocker’ in Bachelor history, this is extremely boring. If she didn’t sleep with the guy, who gives a shit?
9:24 – Chris Harrison needs to get off his moral high horse and cut out the sanctimonious bullshit. He treats this show like it’s the Vatican looking for a new Pope. It’s a trash television.
9:28 – This is basically she said, she said. We need some camera footage to get to the bottom of this issue. Otherwise, I don’t care. This is brutal.
9:32 – Huge copout to the footage question by Harrison. Rozlyn is bringing up some good points. They are completely railroading her. She certainly walked into the lion’s den and she’s holding her own pretty good. Good for you, Rozlyn.
9:35 – “Tewks, you’re just siding with Rozlyn because you’re thinking with your penis. Are you even paying attention to what’s going on?” I, like Chris Harrison, will not dignify that question with a response.
9:40 – “My heart was crying.” I literally have no words. Jake gives pussies a bad reputation. Does he just sit in his room and think this shit up?
9:46 – Those outtakes were legitimately funny. Well done.
9:51 – I would rather have another update from The Bachelor Reject Sex Cruise than watch these Vienna highlights. She looks like she has 25 pairs of chromosomes.
9:52 – Did you know Tenley was married before? I had no idea.
Well, the first hour sucked, but the second hour really brought the goods. What did you think? Post thoughts to comments.
Much like Jessie Spano in the watershed episode of Saved by the Bell where she overdoses on caffeine pills, I began the Olympic hockey tournament enthused and eager about Canada’s chances for gold. Now, I’m terrified.
What the hell happened last night?
For the past three months, I have really curtailed my alcohol consumption while I train my body for an event that will remain nameless for the next few weeks. Last night, I was forced to break the covenant of the drink.
After the first ten minutes of the game, in which I had heart palpitations every time the US team veered near Canada’s net, I imbibed in some vino rouge. Without it, I would have been unable to calm my nerves enough to watch the entire contest.
Canada outplayed the US in every facet of the game except between the pipes. Ryan Miller stood on his head and stole the game for his country. I don’t know what else Canada could have done besides, you know, put the puck in the net.
I know a lot of Canadians are piling on Marty Brodeur this morning, but he didn’t play that bad. The biggest problem with Marty is that once he found out the trapezoid behind the net isn’t a part of international hockey, he thinks he’s Bobby Orr and wants to handle the puck at all times.
Your job is to stop the puck, Marty, not pass it. Methinks that Bobby Lu will be the goaltender of record on Canada’s increasingly difficult road to gold.
I don’t know what the Canadian coaching staff has to do to get the power play going, but it looks terrible right now. There is way too much standing around and not enough movement. The US penalty killers just had to clog the passing lanes and our power play was completely neutralized.
Maybe Mike Babcock should take Gretz out of his suite, suit him up, and throw him behind the net to deliver some saucers to our supposed big guns. We need to do something quick or we might not even get the chance to play Russia in the quarterfinal (which will be eerily reminiscent of Turin in 2006).
I still have faith in our boys, but the offensive ship has to be righted or Russia will golden shower litres of vodka all over our red and white backsides.
On Saturday afternoon, the lives of Talkin’ with Tewks readers were changed forever. I, along with CSzem, recorded the first ever edition of Talkin’ with Tewks Live. It’s a podcast where we discuss only the most pressing issues facing the world today.
In the inaugural episode, we discussed The Bachelor, Survivor and the Winter Olympics.
There were a few kinks along the way and the audio is a tad light (make sure you have your volume cranked), but we are pleased with the results. The total run time is just over thirty minutes. For those of you not interested in the Full Monty, the podcast breaks down as follows:
0:00 – 14:00 The Bachelor 14:00 – 25:00 Survivor 25:00 – 30:43 The Olympics
Also, notice how the corresponding visual changes depending on the topic of conversation. We are geniuses.
I am planning to record a podcast every weekend to be posted as Monday’s column. Let me know what you think of our first effort. Comments and suggestions are always welcome, as long as they are glowingly positive.
Let’s all just breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Ah. Ok, there we go. All better?
What a great game by Canada and Switzerland last night. I definitely did not expect such an entertaining contest between the Canucks and the Swiss. It’s rare that Olympic hockey provides great theatre this early in the tournament.
My nerves were frayed throughout the overtime period, which doesn’t bode well for our inevitable gold medal showdown with the Big Red Menace (Russians are still communists, right?).
For all of you Canadian pessimists out there saying that Team Canada stinks and we’re never going to win a medal, I demand that you, to borrow a line from James in last night’s episode of Survivor, keep your mouth shut.
Canada played extremely well last night, but they just ran into a white-hot goalie. The team will be fine. Kid Crosby put the team on his back in the shootout and I guarantee he will not let this country leave the Olympics without a gold medal.
However, I am slightly concerned with the amount of ice time Chris Pronger has gotten thus far. He looks too old and too slow. He can’t keep up with the speed of the game. Plus, Pronger doesn’t have the temperament to play international hockey as he can’t keep his aggressiveness in check. Basically, he’s like Terry Funk in Road House.
I am in love with women’s alpine skiing and long track speed skating for two reasons: A. I legitimately find that the competitions make compelling television and 2. I am strongly aroused by the athletes.
I don’t know if it’s the tight, Lycra suits or not, but I cannot get enough of these women. The media is fawning over Lindsay Vonn for being a sex symbol (which she is), but I really like her fellow American, Julia Mancuso. She’s a stone cold fox.
I know the speed skaters look androgynous, but check them out after a race when they take their glasses off and let down the hair. They are gorgeous women. It’s like in a porno when the mousy librarian takes off her glasses and unties her hair. It’s always the women you least expect who are the hottest.
I’ve been brainstorming the last five minutes to come up with a funny sex joke involving skiing or speed skating, but I’ve got nothing (something involving poles, giant slalom and leg angles?). Post any suggestions to comments.
I will quickly touch on last night’s episode of Survivor (full blown recaps to come once the Olympics are over).
If nothing else, last night proved that Boston Rob is the greatest player in the history of Survivor. He had a huge target on his back right from the start, everyone on his tribe was worried about him and now they can’t stop admitting how great he is. One broad (Courtney?) flat out said they’d be useless without him.
Rob is a puzzle master and he is surprisingly competitive in the physical challenges as well. Plus, he’s the funniest person on the island. The only problem I have with Rob is that he’s fat now. What happened? Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was part of his plan. It’s common knowledge that contestants lose a ton of weight throughout the season (and their performance suffers as a result). Rob probably packed on some extra pounds so he’d be at a fighting weight once the tribe members start to dwindle.
Pure genius.
I hate James. Who the hell does he think he is berating Stephenie like that? Obviously, it was just a case of Roid Rage.
How great was it to see Tom and Colby upbraid for James for his immature behaviour. Tom is the best. He needs to take James out to the woodshed and teach him some respect.
My mancrushes on Tom and Colby are at maximum capacity right now.
The Winter Olympics make blog writing so easy. All I have to do is pick out a couple of things that drew my interest over the previous twenty-four hours and make some humourous or witty observations. Boom. Finished.
(Then I can go back to staring at my reflection in the mirror)
I forgot to add something to yesterday’s post and I was reminded of it watching Maelle Ricker’s victory ceremony last night.
Did you see the horrible rendition of ‘O Canada’ during the opening ceremonies? My God, it was absolutely terrible. I refuse to post the name of the singer lest I give her free promotion for her offensive caterwauling.
I don’t understand why every singer tries to turn a national anthem performance into an American Idol audition. Just sing it straight, with passion and conviction. There’s no need for contrived runs and over-pronunciation of the lyrics.
I’d rather listen to 20,000 people singing ‘O Canada’ at the top of their lungs than listen to professionals try to ‘make it their own.’
The Canadian women’s hockey team continued their assault on the rest of the world with a 13-1 drubbing over Sweden last night. They’ve outscored their opponents 42-3 in three games thus far.
This is an embarrassing situation for the IOC. Women’s hockey is a joke. If the sport cannot field more than two competitive entrants, then it does not belong in the Olympics. I’m sick of hearing the Canadian women complain that there’s a double-standard and the men’s game started out this way and the World Juniors have analogous blowouts.
Sorry, ladies, but your argument is flawed. The first women’s world hockey championship took place in 1990; the women’s international game is not ‘starting out.’ Furthermore, the discrepancy between North America and the rest of the world is widening, not narrowing.
Yes, the World Juniors have some blowout scores, but there are also 5-6 teams who have a realistic shot of winning the gold. Is there any chance the Canadian or US women won’t meet in the gold medal game? Nope.
No one even cares about the women until the gold medal game because everyone knows the round robin is an embarrassment to the sport.
Speaking of embarrassment, Team Canada needs to learn how to win with class. I watched the highlights of the game versus Sweden and the women full-out celebrated the 10th and 12th goals.
Are you kidding me?
You are crushing a team by double digits and have the audacity to thrust your arms into the air and wildly celebrate a meaningless goal?
My patriotism has been called into question with my lack of Olympic-related content thus far. First of all, it’s not my fault that the Games fell on a three day weekend when I don’t post new material.
Second, the accusation that I am not wrapped up in a nationalistic fervour for the Vancouver Olympics is completely facetious. I’ve been bleeding red and white since Friday night’s opening ceremonies.
Plus, as we all know, the Olympics don’t start in earnest until the Men’s hockey team takes the ice for the first time. Since that happened last night, here are some notes on the first four days of competition.
Great start by the boys against the Norwegians last night. Once they stopped trying to be too cute and make the perfect pass, Team Canada pretty much imposed their will on their opponents.
Watching Norway’s goaltender stonewall Canada throughout the first period made me think of the movie 300. Why? One of the broadcasters mentioned that Norway’s goalie was actually a carpenter by day. Many of the Norwegians don’t play hockey for their primary source of income; can you imagine Sidney Crosby working as a lifeguard or something to make ends meet in the offseason?
The situation is analogous to the scene in the movie when King Leonidas and his 300 soldiers were met by Daxos and the Arcadian army. The Arcadians were shocked at the small number of Sparta’s fighting force. Leonidas asks some of the Arcadians what they do for a living. Some of the answers: potter, blacksmith etc.
Then Gerard Butlers asks, “Spartans! What do you do for a living?”
HAROO! HAROO! HAROO!
“You see old friend, I’ve brought more soldiers (hockey players) than you.”
Hmm, that was a little bit convoluted. I guess what I’m trying to say is Norway is Arcadia and Canada is Sparta. I hope that doesn’t mean Russia is Persia.
I’m happy with Canada’s medal output thus far. We have five medals through four days of competition. Plus, from everything I’ve read, the last week is where we are supposed to do the most damage in the medal standings.
How great was Alexander Bilodeau’s performance in the moguls to win Canada’s first ever gold medal on home soil?
The victory ceremony where he received his medal was one of the most moving things I’ve ever seen on television (non-nudity division). Hearing the crowd sing the national anthem while the Canadian flag was being raised gave me goosebumps. There may have been a wetness in my eyes as well.
I love the patriotism this country has shown thus far. We’re no longer playing the gentle Canadians happy to be invited to the Olympics. We’re out for blood and gold.
This is the first live Bachelor recap where I know the readership will include more people than just CSzem. It’s an exciting time. Truthfully, it was getting a little pathetic at how serious we were taking this show, so it’s nice to know that more readers are benefiting from our sexual ambiguity.
In order to be more welcoming to my burgeoning, pregnant fan base, I took it upon myself to do some research at The Bump to further my understanding of ladies with child.
Yikes.
I feel like I opened Pandora’s box. The gals certainly don’t hold anything back in the comment boards. I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about half the time. I probably should have paid more attention in health class, but I stopped listening once I found out where the penis goes.
One more thing before we get started, instead of retreating back to The Bump to discuss tonight’s episode, feel free to post questions/comments at the end of this column (about the show in general or my recap).
Sound good?
8:03 – St. Lucia kind of looks like Jurassic Park. I would pay $500 for a velociraptor to eat Vienna in this episode.
8:13 – “I didn’t even know you were coming!” I’m sure that’s not the first time Jake has said that.
8:16 – “I will wear this necklace on my wrist for the rest of my life.” Human anatomy aside, I sincerely doubt Gia will still be wearing that two dollar piece of crap after she’s sent home.
8:17 – Gia’s breasts: real or fake? I hope real because, to borrow a line from Seinfeld, finding out those babies are made of silicone would be like finding out Mickey Mantle corked his bat.
8:21 – Jake and Gia are in ‘Smuggler’s Cove’? Is this a Hardy Boys’ novel?
8:25 – Gia’s voice is grating. She sounds like Lambchop.
8:27 – Fantasy Suite card! Now, we’re turning things up a notch.
8:28 – Gia accepts! I hope Jake bangs all three of them tonight. If I was on this show, I’d want the Fantasy Suite cards given out when I had fifteen women left.
8:29 – “Gia has grabbed hold of my heart so hard.” I honestly believe that Jake uses ‘heart’ as a euphemism for ‘penis.’ It’s like Mad Libs.
8:36 – Mama Tewks just brought up a good point. Does Tenley know that Jake nailed Gia the night before?
8:39 – Here’s a Bachelor drinking game: take a shot every time Tenley mentions her ex-husband. You’d be dead from alcohol poisoning before the end of the first hour.
8:40 – Tenley looks amazing in that black bathing suit. I will excuse her blandness and complete absence of personality as along as she stays dressed like that.
8:50 – Tenley’s actually going to spend the night with him? And the plot thickens. How many bases will Jake get? You’d have to think he’d be good for at least a double.
8:51 – Is this the same room where he slept with Gia? I hope they changed the sheets.
8:57 – Did Vienna really just use the word ‘affirmation’? Well, we now know she can read off a teleprompter.
8:59 – Vienna has quite the pair of thunder thighs. She looks like a walrus flopping around this pirate ship.
9:06 – What are the odds Vienna doesn’t accept the fantasy suite card? 5,000 to 1? 1,000,000 to 1?
9:08 – “Do you like thin bands or thick bands?” Something tells me Jakey isn’t packing much a wallop downstairs. Plus, it’s quite obvious that Vienna is pretty, uh, ‘elastic’, so Jake’s preparing her for a disappointment once he gets his pants off.
9:12 – Does Jake even have enough lead in his pencil to have sex with three women in three days?
9:13 – Vienna’s lingerie looks like a sheet from a queen size bed.
9:18 - Ali is so beautiful. Like an angel riding a unicorn on a rainbow.
9:21 – “You drove away with a piece of my heart (penis).”
9:22 – How can Jake honestly like Vienna or Gia more than Ali? Someone really needs to explain this to me.
9:29 – Oh, Chris Harrison shows up for his weekly four minutes of work. What a sweet gig. What would we do without him? He’s like a poor man’s Jeff Probst.
9:41 – I would fast forward through these personal messages. BORING. I hope someone takes their top off.
9:46 – Wow. I’d get rid of all three of them and keep Gia’s breasts. They look fantastic.
9:47 – Of course it was a great week for you, Jake. You’ve slept with more women in three days than you have in your entire life.
9:48 – Tenley. Ok, that’s a smart decision.
9:49 – What the fuck?
9:51 – Let me translate through all the crap Jake is currently serving to Gia. Basically, she is not as good in bed as Vienna and Tenley. Case closed.
9:55 – The Women Tell All special looks fantastic.
Last Wednesday, I implored my readers to send in questions/comments for me to address. I got a whopping five responses. I must lead the Internet in reader apathy.
But, I’m going to answer the questions that were sent in because they were quite good. Also, I’m taking Monday off because it is Family Day up here in the Great White North. How am I celebrating? By going to Hooters for dinner.
Q: I'm disappointed to read that you have nothing to write about after an introduction to what I am willing to deem the most unknown and underrated board game in existence: crokinole. It combines great skill, strategy, camaraderie and excitement into an explosive and hilarious half hour within a squared circle of friends. Nothing to write about? For shame.
AC
A: AC is completely correct in his claim. We both attended the same party at the end of January and took part in the featured game of crokinole. We ended up being crowned crokinole champions. It’s basically a shuffleboard/curling mix played on a table top.
This is what my life as a party animal has succumbed to. In my younger days, parties would involve various drinking games, nudity and the loss of innocence. Now, I go to ‘functions’ to play board games and eat off of fancy cheese platters.
Q: The Hamilton Spectator recently ran this article about competitive cheerleading and the Olympics. Do you believe that competitive cheerleading belongs in the Olympics? Would love to hear your opinion and comments on the article.
Those Who Can’t Do . . . Coach
A: My short answer: No. Competitive cheerleading does not belong in the Olympics. I am not disputing the skill, strength and athleticism needed to pursue such an endeavour, but the Summer Olympic roster is bloated enough as it is. I don’t think trampoline or modern pentathlon should be contested at the Olympics either.
However, I do consider competitive cheerleading to be a sport, as it’s markedly different from the pom pom variety (also, because I know who posted this question and I’m slightly scared of her).
To me, competitive cheerleading seems like a watered-down version of gymnastics. Leave the Olympics to the gymnasts and have competitive cheerleading be a place where retired gymnastic practitioners can continue to pursue athletics.
There must be a reason why the guy in the article left gymnastics to pursue cheerleading. My guess is cheering is easier on the body than gymnastics. Therefore, why should it be on the Olympic program as an ‘simpler’ version of gymnastics?
To say cheerleading should be in the Olympics is analogous to me saying Crossfit should be in there as well. It just doesn’t make sense. You don’t need Olympic aspirations to legitimize your sport of choice.
Q: I have a partially torn supraspinatus muscle (of rotator cuff fame) in my left shoulder. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to heal, but there's a good chance that I won't be strong enough to take the mound this season. My dear Tewks - in the face of such a devastating setback in my quest for greatness, what do I have left to live for? Inspire me.
Thy Drunken Rookie
A: I didn’t know it was possible to tear a rotator cuff muscle when your hardest pitch tops out at 43 miles per hour?
TDR, I know how much you love the game, but let’s be honest: your lackadaisical attitude towards hard work and lifting weights were your biggest detriments on your ‘quest for greatness’. NOT a torn muscle.
I’d suggest play another position, but we both know that’s not an option as, like me, you are doomed to only possess one baseball tool: the ability to throw.
However, my friend, think about the positives from this setback. Now you don’t have to spend all summer hanging around a ball diamond. You live in the most picturesque locale in Canada. Enjoy the beach babes; remember what I’ve taught you. Play beach volleyball to your heart’s content. Come visit Ontario. There are a myriad of options at your fingertips.
Don’t fret.
Q: Although the uncouthness of this blog highlights how you speak with other men, I am sure you are quite debonair amongst the ladies. If this is the case, I would like to know your thoughts on what an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift is for women. To increase the difficulty, what does a woman get a man for the occasion? (Please refrain from an answer involving the words ‘naked’ or ‘lingerie’). All I have heard this week is women complaining that they don’t know what to get their man.
I would also like to make a request of you to start a weekly post with your thoughts on Survivor (I know you watch it). This season’s ‘Heroes vs. Villains’ is going to be full of cut-throat dealings with the devil, a.k.a. Russell. My favourites: Colby, Boston Rob, Russell. Creepiest couple on Survivor: Jerri and Coach. Excuse me while I vomit. Also, thank god Sugar is gone... what an idiot. I love how Colby wouldn’t even acknowledge her attempts to seduce him. Someone should tell her that following a guy around like a lost puppy won’t make him like you. Silly, silly girl.
Rambo
A: First off, saying I’m debonair with the ladies is like saying Michelangelo was a pretty good painter. It doesn’t begin to do my prowess with the fairer sex justice.
Valentine’s Day gift? Here’s a rudimentary guide for my male readers. If you’ve been dating a special lady for over a year, you need to step it up with a pretty good gift. I’m thinking jewellery or a weekend away to Pennsylvania Dutch Country.
If it’s less than a year, I think a good night out should suffice with maybe a surprise thrown in for good measure. Bonus points if it’s something the girl has wanted to do for a while. Proving you listen to the words that come out of her mouth is uber important. Be ‘thoughtful.’ Chicks eat that stuff up.
I don’t think women should get men anything for Valentine’s Day. Let’s be honest, it’s a woman-driven holiday to begin with. But, there should be some reciprocation. For that I have two words: March 14th. For information on the significance of such a date, check out my column from last Valentine’s Day. I like mine medium rare.
Q: Since you are an avid reality show voyeur, I wonder if you can comment on the show that started it all: Survivor. Can you handicap the heroes and villains version starting next week?
Dwight from Scranton
A: Two Survivor related questions in the past week. I used to be the biggest Survivor fan imaginable. I never missed an episode in the first thirteen seasons. But, somewhere along the way, I lost my drive for the show.
That all changed with the cast list for this year’s Heroes vs. Villains. I will watch Boston Rob in anything. He is the greatest and last night, he did not disappoint.
I love how his entire tribe said they wouldn’t fall for his charms and as soon as he made fire, everyone fawned all over him. I really thought Coach was going to makeout with him.
I’d never seen Coach or Russell before and I must say I am thoroughly impressed. They both make for great entertainment.
Too much happened over the course of the episode to get into here, but I will heed Rambo’s advice and produce a recap every Friday. It’s too good not to.
So, there is a lot to discuss today. This is the first time since I started the blog (this edition at least) that I actually feel like my writing is making an imprint on this crazy platform called the World Wide Web.
For whatever reason, my Bachelor recaps have struck a chord with pregnant women all over North America, evidenced by the hundreds of hits this site has gotten over the last few days. I don’t know if these gals will be sticking around everyday (if not, show your baby daddies the sports stuff) or will just be tuning in for the recaps on Tuesdays, but I appreciate the support.
It will be interesting to see how I handle this newfound notoriety. Will I fold under pressure like Jean Van De Velde at the British Open or rise to the occasion like Tiger Woods every time he has sex with a woman who is not his wife? Place your bets now, as only time will tell.
Not only has Talkin’ with Tewks provided valuable insight on all things Bachelor and a forum for like-minded reality fans to get their fix of Jake and the gals, but we’ve had some serious sports discussion as well.
Yesterday’s question on LeBron versus Ovechkin produced a passionate response among the male portion of my readership.
I’d like to thank ‘John’ for kicking off the discussion in the comments section. Your additions were invaluable to the arguments put forth, and for that I will even link to your blog.
Unfortunately, my internet friend, this is where the pleasantries end.
I’m not sure where to start, so let’s begin with your first comment where you disagree with my assertion that James is better than Ovechkin and you implore that I ‘learn hockey please.’
Full disclosure: the majority of the long-time readers of this blog (myself included) are Canadian. We come out of the womb with little skates on and a stick in our hands. Don’t ever question our knowledge of the game. I’ve forgotten more about hockey than you’ll ever know.
After CSzem jumped in with his own, astute thoughts on the issue, you continued to bash us over the head with Ovechkin stats and fawning appreciation over Washington’s favourite Russian.
It was at this point that I knew something was amiss. I decided to check out your blog. Curious, I clicked on the Sports link.
What do I find? Every single article is about the Caps or Alexander the Great. Really, John? I mean it was obvious that you have a hard-on for the guy based on your comments, but your links show me that you all but jerk off to pictures of Ovie every night before you go to sleep.
Then I noticed that you haven’t updated your site since December 21st, 2009. Does this mean you actually spend your free time trolling the Internet for mentions of Ovechkin and defending his honour if someone doesn’t call him the greatest athlete to ever walk the face of the planet?
You’re a Capitals super fan, which is great, but don’t mask your man love for the guy by entering into an impartial discussion on great athletes. My buddy Teebs thoroughly put you in your place (I couldn’t have said it better myself), so I don’t want to spend a lot of time debunking your claims.
However, Johnny, you did show how woefully uneducated you are on hockey history with your quote that Maurice Richard was just a ‘skills player.’ Tsk, tsk, Johnny.
Richard was the greatest goal scorer of his time (first to get 50 in 50), but he also was one of the toughest guys in the league. He was his own enforcer. Richard didn’t need someone to fight his battles for him. He cleaned up his own mess.
If you were from Canada, you would know this. Why? From my second favourite Heritage Minutes commercial (the first being the one about Superintendent Sam Steele).
Watch this video. You will see that The Rocket, in one day, moved furniture with a bum shoulder, got in a fight, made some hits and got eight points against the Wings.
Could Ovechkin do that? Also, Richard would take Ovie out to the woodshed if he ever saw Ovechkin’s insufferable goal celebrations. Act like you’ve scored before.
Before I get started, I want to give a big thanks to Carissa and Mrs. CSzem for initiating the grassroots campaign of increasing Talkin’ with Tewks readership. Since Carissa is from the US, I am appointing her Director of Marketing, North America (it’s a volunteer position).
Excellent work by Mrs. CSzem for pimping my Bachelor recaps to a pregnancy website. I had no idea such a thing existed, but I cannot think of a more passionate group of fans of trashy television than a group of women all jacked up on pregnancy hormones. Welcome, ladies. Feel free to chime in at any time. It will be nice to have some estrogen on this blog that isn’t provided by myself or CSzem.
There were two stories on Pardon the Interruption last night that I feel compelled to discuss. The first was a toss up question. Who is better: LeBron James or Alexander Ovechkin?
Truthfully, I think the mere comparison between Ovie and Bron Bron is an insult to King James. They are both great players yes, but there is a marked difference between the two.
Ovechkin is, without a doubt, one of the best players of his generation. But, there have been legions of prolific goal scorers with his skill set throughout the history of the National Hockey League. Ovie is just the latest incarnation.
On the other hand, LeBron is a transcendent talent. His skill set has never been seen before in the annals of professional basketball. There has never been a player with James’ size, strength, speed, shooting ability, passing ability or ability to make his teammates better.
Yes, there have been players who possess one or two such attributes, but no one has approached the complete package that is LeBron James. He literally has no ceiling. There is no way to tell how good he will be. Scary thought: LeBron hasn’t even entered his prime yet. He could average a triple double for an entire season and I wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
Ovechkin or LeBron? It’s not even a question.
The second story that drew my ire was the decision by the New Orleans Police Department to arrest any woman who flashed her breasts during the Saints victory parade. Their reason: the event was supposed to televised nationally, so broadcasters were wary of young eyes being exposed to such earthly delights.
What a horrible knee-jerk reaction. Look, in New Orleans it is perfectly acceptable to exchange a boob flash for beads. It’s the best thing about the city. And these morons want to take that away from us because kids, who can access thousands of hours of porn on the Internet, might be watching?
Where are we? Afghanistan?
Here’s an idea. Don’t televise the event in the first place. Or keep your cameras away from, uh, chestally blessed young women. But, do not take the parade patrons right to look at naked breasts away.
I spend hours each day trying to give women shoelaces for a chance to look at their orbs and all I get are slaps to the face and restraining orders. The lax breast flash policy in New Orleans is what keeps me going on cold, winter nights.
Did you really think I’d let a Monday night go by without a Bachelor recap?
8:01 – Hometown date week is always fantastic. It’s guaranteed that there will be at least one crazy family that completely destroys one of the girl’s chances.
8:03 – Why was Gia surprised when Jake stepped out of the SUV? Who else was she expecting? Chris Harrison.
8:04 – Gia has sneaky big knockers. Good for her. I’d pay twenty bucks for a wet t-shirt contest right now.
8:06 – Why is Jake nervous to meet her parents? The guy’s 30 going on 12.
8:09 – Gia’s family looks like an episode of The Sopranos. Her mom’s voice is BRUTAL. I hate the New Yawk accent.
8:11 – Gia’s mother is the definition of rough around the edges. I’m thinking a penis might be poking around downstairs. Why is she pulling Jake away for a grill session already? Let the guy have a piece of bread and look at the menu first.
8:12 – Gia’s stepbrother’s hair looks like a porcupine. Nice glasses, nerd.
8:15 – The brother needs to cool it with the tough guy act. His gay little half beard isn’t scaring anyone. Before he starts threatening Jake, he may want to get his bodyweight over 150 pounds.
8:16 – Nice ponytail on her stepfather. I can’t believe I almost missed it. He looks like a magician.
8:21 – Ali looks like Claire from Modern Family. That is definitely a good thing.
8:22 – Jake’s relationship with Ali is getting “really strong.” So is the tightness in my pants whenever she’s on the screen.
8:25 – I love how Jake furrows his brow when he pretends to listen to one of these girls. He is completely tuning out this dead grandmother conversation. This is kind of weird.
8:27 – They should be flipping this house; not keeping it as a shrine to a dead lady. That baby could pull 300 large easy.
8:35 – I like Ali’s mom too. She seems sweet and genuine. How can he not pick her?
8:37 – This is the second mother in a row who has mentioned intuition. I thought that was just a myth? You know, like the clitoris.
8:39 – Ali is head over heels in love this guy. He doesn’t deserve her.
8:44 – Why do they always run towards each other? It looks so gay.
8:46 – Tenley wants Jake to take charge and be a dominating presence. Awesome. I’ll bet she likes playing the submissive in the bedroom as well.
8:47 – If this dance doesn’t involve a pole, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.
8:48 – Oh dear Christ.
8:58 – My God, Tenley’s family is like a Hallmark card. They seem almost too perfect. There’s more to this ex-husband story than what we know. Something’s amiss.
9:00 – What was that reaction by Tenley’s sister? Is she retarded? They’re certainly keeping that camera away from her.
9:02 – Jake would fit perfectly with this family. All they’d have to every day is smile and cry happily.
9:09 – “You know how to drive a boat, right?” The look of venom Jake shot Vienna after she asked that question was the first time he has shown real anger all season. He almost made up for all his previous blubbering.
9:12 – Wow, Vienna has some major daddy issues. I am officially creeped out.
9:13 – You expect her to be treated like a princess? Run, Jake, run.
9:15 – If Vienna has had a hard time getting along with women in the past how does that not set off alarm bells for Jake? He is a moron.
9:21 – It breaks my heart to see Ali cry.
9:22 – Ah, the old work/love conundrum. Since I don’t have a job, my decision is always made for me.
9:23 – How is Jake even wavering in giving Ali an answer? Just propose to her and end this show already.
9:25 – Yikes. Come on, Ali. I could have done without the histrionics. I am percentage points less attracted to her right now.
9:30 – If the producers had a sense of humour, they would be playing ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” in the background right now.
9:37 – Ali’s not staying. You can tell by her body language. And the fact she looks like she’s about to puke.
9:41 – I like how she’s trying to get Jake to say he’s going to pick her in the end. To his credit, Jake has a pretty mean poker face. He’s not falling for Ali’s trap.
9:43 – Chris Harrison with the cock block!! He’s really earning his paycheque tonight.
9:46 – Dare I say this is legitimately emotional television. My cold heart has grown three sizes tonight.
9:49 – Pull yourself together, Jake. You still have two hot broads and one cross-eyed freak vying for your affection.
9:53 – Ali makes a telephone comeback? This show certainly knows how to keep my attention.
Before I climb aboard the bitter bus and unleash my cutting, cynical observations from last night’s Super Bowl, let me congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their hard-fought victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
I’m happy God decided to allow the Saints to win a football game as a peace offering for Hurricane Katrina. I’m sure the thousands of people still displaced from their original neighbourhoods were ecstatic for the Super Bowl win. At least that’s what the mainstream media wants us to believe.
I watched the game at a party of 25 people, three of whom (myself included) were actually football fans. Tewks, why would you subject yourself to such a football-deficient atmosphere?
Well, the party was extremely well-run and the food was beyond terrific. The quality of the eats at a party cannot be underestimated enough. That is always the deciding factor when I choose to attend the myriad of parties I’m invited to every weekend (I’m like Paris Hilton).
And I don’t even mind if non-football fans are in attendance as long as two conditions are met:
1. The premium seats are reserved for the people who actually have a vested interest in the game.
Unfortunately, this clause was broken as four idiots who knew nothing about the game commandeered the couch in front of the TV. I was stuck in an uncomfortable plastic chair for four hours. My ass was sorer than Andy Dufrene’s after his time with the Sisters in The Shawshank Redemption.
2. Stupid football questions are kept to a minimum.
Strike two. I don’t care if people are curious about the game action and want further insight on why penalties were called or why one team is running the ball so much. But, I cannot stand questions like “What does fourth down mean?” or “Different players play on offence and defence?”
What’s more, these questions were asked by a full-blown lesbian. Like a real manly looking one. I guarantee she could have beaten me in an arm wrestle. I almost said, “Nice to meet you, fella” when we were first introduced. Shouldn’t she know such football basics? However, her girlfriend was pretty hot, so I have to respect her game.
Another guy had the audacity to ask, with a straight face, “Who is Peyton Manning?” Are you fucking serious? Why would you even go to a Super Bowl party if you didn’t know the answer to that question? His testicles should have been removed on the spot.
Both offences played very well, but New Orleans just had a better red zone attack. Manning had a great game, 31-45 for 333 yards, but I don’t understand why the Colts abandoned any semblance of a deep passing attack. Their touchdown was the only long distance completion they made the entire game. By sticking to short passes, Indy made it easy on the Saints defence.
Drew Brees solidified his position as a great quarterback. He kept his composure after New Orleans was down 10-0 and brought home the first Super Bowl championship in Saints history.
The onside kick in the third quarter will go down as the pivotal moment of the 2009 season. I admire such ballsy decision-making. It was a risky play, but the ensuing momentum shift was more than enough to propel the Saints to victory.
The Colts were too conservative and that ultimately led to their downfall.
Final playoff record: 6-5
For not knowing what I’m talking about, I’d say that’s pretty good.
I've discussed the Colts and Saints ad nauseum throughout the NFL postseason, so there's no point going down that road again. I have picked Indy to win every game they've played in the playoffs and I don't plan on changing my mind.
If God really wanted New Orleans to win, then he wouldn't have sent the gnarly waves of Katrina rushing down Bourbon Street. Therefore, the Colts are the pick. Currently, my record is 6-4, so regardless of what happens on Sunday I finish the postseason with a winning record. I love being a football genius.
A short column today because my house is currently going through massive bedroom and bathroom renovations, which means my services are needed to lift obscenely heavy shit.
Here are four lightning fast commentaries on stories currently making the news in the entertainment world. I was asked to write these up by people way more important than any of my regular readers (No offense).
Story #1 – Jersey Shore
My prayers for trashy television have been answered with the news that the MTV hit, Jersey Shore, has been renewed for a second season. Some people have deemed the show offensive and insulting to Italians. On the other hand, I think it’s a blueprint for how a well-adjusted society should operate.
For example, instead of saying that I slept with a girl, it’s more gentlemanly to say that I ‘smushed’ her. Also, French philosophers have nothing on Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino. The Situation refers to his impressively defined abs. But, he also calls himself The Situation. I think he’s a Situation within a Situation. Therefore, he gets involved in situations where The Situation plays a role in getting The Situation into the situation in the first place. Make sense?
Anyway, I know I’m looking forward to the premiere episode of season two.
Story #2 – Grammy Awards
All the single ladies, put your hands up! Beyonce set a Grammy Awards record for wins by a female with six trophies, including song of the year for the infectiously catchy ‘Single Ladies.’ She also looked fantastic performing the hit ‘If I Were a Boy’ in heels and dangerously tight short shorts. Never have I been more willing to hear a woman yell at me for not listening or paying enough attention to her.
However, Beyonce was denied the evening’s top honour, Album of the Year, which went to Taylor Swift for her smash hit, Fearless. At the tender age of 20, Swift continued her assault on music history by becoming the youngest recipient of the industry’s top prize. Obviously, it’s Taylor’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Story #3 – ‘Valentine’s Day’
Romantic comedy fans rejoice! Valentine’s Day is coming to a theatre near you. Opening February 12th, Valentine’s Day features an ensemble cast chock full of Hollywood heavyweights: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey to name just a few. The plot follows interconnected couples and singles who break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.
How this movie is any different from last year’s ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is not entirely clear, but you can be sure that thousands of women will drag their boyfriends, kicking and screaming, to go see this one. Who am I kidding? I love romantic comedies. I’ll be there opening weekend.
Story #4 – Rip Torn
Rip Torn, of Men in Black fame, has apparently thrown his hat into the ring for the title of World’s Drunkest Celebrity. Torn has been charged with a litany of criminal offenses. What did he do? He was found drunk in a bank with a loaded weapon. Why? He was so wasted that he thought the bank was his home. I can’t make this stuff up. Torn even placed his boots and hat inside the bank’s front door.
Court documents determined that his blood alcohol content was 0.203, which translates to enough alcohol to bring down a rhino. He was released on a $100,000 bond and his attorney says that Torn will head back to rehab. I would think so.
The PGA Tour is in big trouble. Does the general populace really care about anyone else in khaki pants and a polo shirt besides the right and honourable Mr. Woods?
The PGA season is just over a month old and I had no idea. If Tiger’s not involved, I’m not tuning in. And from the abysmal television ratings and lacklustre sponsorship deals, no one else in North American gives a shit either.
How starved is the PGA Tour to make waves in the mainstream media?
The biggest story the golfing world could muster is an accusation by Scott McCarron that Phil Mickelson is using an illegal wedge. Wow, stop the presses. Forget about Haiti, the media now has Wedge-Gate to sink their teeth into.
Seriously? This is the best the PGA Tour could do.
The NBA has teammates squaring off against each other, guns drawn, in an Old West duel over gambling debts and the PGA has two golfers arguing over the grooved face of a golf club. I know golf isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but come on, give us something a little meatier to chew on (that’s what she said).
Let me run down this issue, so all the mind-numbingly, boring details can be digested by all of you bursting with curiosity at such an earth-shaking story.
Apparently, Phil Mickelson is using a 1989 Ping Eye2 wedge that has square grooves. According to the United States Golf Association, square grooves are illegal and not to be used in PGA tournaments. But, as a result of a loophole from a legal settlement 20 years ago, the Ping Eye2 wedges are still allowed under some unusual grandfather clause.
This got Scott McCarron’s panties in a twist (who the fuck is Scott McCarron anyway?) and he accused ‘Phil the Thrill’ Mickelson of being a cheater. Full disclosure, I am a terrible golfer so I have no idea what benefit square grooves have. Honestly, I could play just as well with a tire iron.
I guess it’s somewhat shady that Mickelson is taking advantage of a legal loophole, but I would hardly consider the use of the wedge cheating. McCarron just needs to calm down and fade back into obscurity.
What I don’t understand is why Mickelson would want to use the club in the first place. The advances in golf club technology over the past two decades have been extraordinary. I would think that any contemporary wedge would be one hundred times better than a square-grooved club from 1989.
Anyway, McCarron has apologized; Mickelson has accepted the apology and decided not to use the club anymore. So, crisis averted. Thank God.
I just can’t wait for Woods to make his return at the Masters. It’s going to be an epic event. Then the world of golf will have something interesting to talk about.
I just don’t have it today, folks. A wave of melancholy has struck deep into the pit of my creativity and left me grasping for a column topic. I literally have nothing to say right now. What am I supposed to write about?
The Leafs?
Yeah, they won 3-0. Big deal. Now, we have to spend the rest of the day listening to their moronic fan base plan a Stanley Cup parade because they caught the Devils on an off night. Did you hear the Air Canada Centre crowd chant Phaneuf’s name because he got into a fight? Really? You want to pay $6.5 million to an enforcer? Let’s hold off on comparisons to Doug Gilmour and Wendell Clark and wait for Dion to, you know, get a point.
I actually read one columnist who said that the Phaneuf acquisition will be a boon to Phil Kessel because it will take the pressure off of the jittery American. What a ridiculous line of logic. To hear the GTA talk about him, I’m expecting Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to retire Phaneuf’s jersey at the next home game.
The Raptors?
I spent last Friday writing a gushing ode to the Raptors about how they’ve turned a corner and look to be Toronto’s only shot of having team make the postseason. What do the Raptors do? Completely undermine my credibility and lose to the lowly Indiana Pacers last night.
Not only did they lose, but they gave up 130 points to a team that is sixteen games under .500. Sure, Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani combined for 69 points, but we have always known that Toronto can score points. Defence is where this team falls woefully short. And, I’m sorry, but playoff calibre teams do not give up 130 points to the Indiana Pacers.
Entertainment or Pop Culture?
After yesterday’s opus on The Bachelor, the fleeting remnants of my manhood cannot take another column on such superfluous fluff.
Thus, I am requesting the help of you, my dear readers. Post a question or comment to today’s column and I will answer anything and everything in a future Valentine’s Day mailbag. Just don’t post under Anonymous.
It’s Tuesday, which means I will spend way more time discussing The Bachelor than any straight man should. Last week’s live recap was such a success I decided to do it again:
8:00 – How many ladies will Jake send home tonight? 1? 2? All of them? Anything’s possible.
8:03 – Did ABC pick San Francisco so Jake would have trouble repressing his innate homosexual thoughts? Gay thoughts = ratings bonanza?
8:05 – I need more of Tenley bouncing up and down in my life.
8:09 – I thought San Francisco trolleys were electric? I don’t think that bus meets emission standards.
8:11 – They’re making fortune cookies in Chinatown. Could this be any more stereotypical? Was a karate lesson not available?
8:13 – Ali and Vienna on the group date!! Amazing!!
8:14 – Oh, nice misdirection by Corrie. She had me fooled. We may have the next Meryl Streep in our midst.
8:15 – Catfight, catfight, catfight!!! Strip down to bra and panties! Actually, Vienna can keep her clothes on.
8:16 – Sister Tewks just said she likes Vienna. I asked her to leave.
8:19 – Now she’s making fun of Tenley’s voice. I think she’s just trying to piss me off.
8:20 – Nice turtleneck, Jake. Does he try to be a loser in the first hour or this just a coincidence?
8:23 – “Her fingers are really fat. They look like claws.” From the mouth of Sister Tewks about Tenley. Unbelievable. I love watching this show with women. The level of cattiness astounds me. Rational thought just flies right out the window.
8:28 – The chest filled with clothes for Vienna and Gia’s 2 on 1 date reminds me of Mr. Dressup’s tickle trunk.
8:30 – “I’m a little nervous going on a date with two women.” Just have sex with both of them, Jake.
8:35 – Vienna might have an extra chromosome or two. I mean she looks retarded with a capital R.
8:36 – “You can eat my salmon.” Nice job, Gia. Boom. Roasted.
8:38 – Vienna is uber creepy. Why is she holding that lantern like a medieval dungeon master? This is terrifying.
8:46 – “I want Jake to see my fun side.” Corrie, honey, let me give some advice. If your fun side doesn’t include you topless, he’s not interested.
8:47 - Ok, Vienna has stalker like tendencies. I would kick her out of the castle post haste. Vienna doesn’t need to go back upstairs Jake, she needs to go home.
8:55 – This rowboat date reminds me of The Notebook . . . Christ, I’m such a homo.
8:56 – Kiss her, Jake! Jesus, he has zero game. How can you not tell she wants you to kiss her? This is painful.
8:57 – “I’m about ready for dinner.” That was the highest of comedy. You are pathetic, Jake. Grow a pair, my friend.
9:01 – Corrie’s a virgin!! Do they still make those?
9:02 – It doesn’t bother you, Jake? Bullshit. She’s gone tonight. Why is she on this show if she’s a virgin? Does she really want her first time to be on national television on an overnight date?
9:07 – Ali is like an angel sent from Heaven to give me an erection every Monday night.
9:13 – Now, both Mama and Sister Tewks are trashing Ali’s voice. The claws are out tonight.
9:18 – Ali gives backrubs too? She is the perfect women. Wow, look at her straddling him. Little Jake must be standing to attention right now.
9:22 – “Do you want to jump in the water?” No, not really.
9:30 – “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” This is good damage control by Corrie. Let him know that you won’t sleep with him, but you’ll go down on him. That’s what she means, right?
9:43 – “Ali’s the kind of girl you can just curl up with and be safe.” JAKE, YOU ARE A MAN. Start acting like one.
9:49 – That’s two weeks in a row Tenley got the first rose. She may be the new frontrunner.
9:50 - My girl Ali is right behind.
9:51 – Gia is currently putting together a solid performance and flying under the radar. Now she’s got a hometown date. Good for her.
9:51 – Vienna again? What is wrong with you?
9:52 – He obviously got rid of Corrie because she’s a virgin. Just admit it, Jake. I won’t judge. I would have done the same thing.
9:52 – “I was concerned that Corrie wouldn’t open up fully.” My thoughts exactly.
I do have to give Leaf fans credit: they are eternally optimistic.
Jesus, by listening to the radio and reading some of the comments on the web, you would have thought Brian Burke was able to trade for Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk respectively. Let’s all take a deep breath and take a look at this trade piece by piece, starting with the new Leafs:
Dion Phaneuf
I find it very revealing that casual Leaf fans are more excited about this trade than any established members of the hockey intelligentsia. There’s a reason why Phaneuf was left off the Canadian Olympic team (how funny is it that he is in the ‘Force Fate’ Nike commercial? It cracks me up every time).
He has regressed greatly over the past two years. Phaneuf is no longer the same player who was a 2008 Norris Trophy finalist. He’s not even the same player that Pierre McGuire had an on-air orgasm over during every game of the 2005 World Junior Championship. Phaneuf is the Benjamin Button of NHL defencemen.
Can he even handle playing in the biggest hockey market in the world? I don’t think so. Phaneuf doesn’t even have a thick enough skin to not care when Sean Avery points out, correctly, that his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, is a puck bunny. What’s going to happen when the media is all over Phaneuf for one of his patented bonehead passes? The guy will have a mental breakdown.
Jean-Sebastien Giguere
Is he really that big of an upgrade over Vesa Toskala? Once again, Leaf fans are falling in love with the name. Sure, Giguere was terrific in the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs when he led the Anaheim Ducks to victory, but he’s been completely average since then.
And now we’re going to have to deal with sportswriters making corny ‘Getting Jiggy with It’ jokes for the rest of the season. Fantastic.
Fredrik Sjostrom
He’s from Sweden.
Keith Aulie
He’s not old enough to drink in the United States.
Now for the players lucky enough to leave Toronto’s sinking ship:
Vesa Toskala
He’s an average NHL goaltender. Average NHL goaltenders cannot succeed on terrible teams like the Leafs.
Jason Blake
The only player in the NHL capable of having ten shots on net per game without ever skating near the crease; like Gretzky in his prime, it’s something we may never see again.
Niklas Hagman
I have never seen him break a sweat or give the illusion that he gives a shit about wins and losses. Good riddance.
Jamal Mayers
He’s a black guy.
Ian White
I actually really like Ian White. He’s a solid blue-collar guy who isn’t afraid to mix it up in the corners. Plus, you can always count on him to have terrific facial hair. He will be missed.
Matt Stajan
This was the first year of his career that he actually showed promise to develop into a bona fide second line centre. About three years too late. Stajan is probably the most surprising person to be moved, but was probably a key piece in acquiring Phaneuf since he’s conservatively priced.
To sum up: the Leafs are still terrible, but their payroll is now higher. Nice job, Burkie.
Posts
