Did you really think I’d let a Monday night go by without a Bachelor recap?
8:01 – Hometown date week is always fantastic. It’s guaranteed that there will be at least one crazy family that completely destroys one of the girl’s chances.
8:03 – Why was Gia surprised when Jake stepped out of the SUV? Who else was she expecting? Chris Harrison.
8:04 – Gia has sneaky big knockers. Good for her. I’d pay twenty bucks for a wet t-shirt contest right now.
8:06 – Why is Jake nervous to meet her parents? The guy’s 30 going on 12.
8:09 – Gia’s family looks like an episode of The Sopranos. Her mom’s voice is BRUTAL. I hate the New Yawk accent.
8:11 – Gia’s mother is the definition of rough around the edges. I’m thinking a penis might be poking around downstairs. Why is she pulling Jake away for a grill session already? Let the guy have a piece of bread and look at the menu first.
8:12 – Gia’s stepbrother’s hair looks like a porcupine. Nice glasses, nerd.
8:15 – The brother needs to cool it with the tough guy act. His gay little half beard isn’t scaring anyone. Before he starts threatening Jake, he may want to get his bodyweight over 150 pounds.
8:16 – Nice ponytail on her stepfather. I can’t believe I almost missed it. He looks like a magician.
8:21 – Ali looks like Claire from Modern Family. That is definitely a good thing.
8:22 – Jake’s relationship with Ali is getting “really strong.” So is the tightness in my pants whenever she’s on the screen.
8:25 – I love how Jake furrows his brow when he pretends to listen to one of these girls. He is completely tuning out this dead grandmother conversation. This is kind of weird.
8:27 – They should be flipping this house; not keeping it as a shrine to a dead lady. That baby could pull 300 large easy.
8:35 – I like Ali’s mom too. She seems sweet and genuine. How can he not pick her?
8:37 – This is the second mother in a row who has mentioned intuition. I thought that was just a myth? You know, like the clitoris.
8:39 – Ali is head over heels in love this guy. He doesn’t deserve her.
8:44 – Why do they always run towards each other? It looks so gay.
8:46 – Tenley wants Jake to take charge and be a dominating presence. Awesome. I’ll bet she likes playing the submissive in the bedroom as well.
8:47 – If this dance doesn’t involve a pole, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.
8:48 – Oh dear Christ.
8:58 – My God, Tenley’s family is like a Hallmark card. They seem almost too perfect. There’s more to this ex-husband story than what we know. Something’s amiss.
9:00 – What was that reaction by Tenley’s sister? Is she retarded? They’re certainly keeping that camera away from her.
9:02 – Jake would fit perfectly with this family. All they’d have to every day is smile and cry happily.
9:09 – “You know how to drive a boat, right?” The look of venom Jake shot Vienna after she asked that question was the first time he has shown real anger all season. He almost made up for all his previous blubbering.
9:12 – Wow, Vienna has some major daddy issues. I am officially creeped out.
9:13 – You expect her to be treated like a princess? Run, Jake, run.
9:15 – If Vienna has had a hard time getting along with women in the past how does that not set off alarm bells for Jake? He is a moron.
9:21 – It breaks my heart to see Ali cry.
9:22 – Ah, the old work/love conundrum. Since I don’t have a job, my decision is always made for me.
9:23 – How is Jake even wavering in giving Ali an answer? Just propose to her and end this show already.
9:25 – Yikes. Come on, Ali. I could have done without the histrionics. I am percentage points less attracted to her right now.
9:30 – If the producers had a sense of humour, they would be playing ABBA’s “Take a Chance on Me” in the background right now.
9:37 – Ali’s not staying. You can tell by her body language. And the fact she looks like she’s about to puke.
9:41 – I like how she’s trying to get Jake to say he’s going to pick her in the end. To his credit, Jake has a pretty mean poker face. He’s not falling for Ali’s trap.
9:43 – Chris Harrison with the cock block!! He’s really earning his paycheque tonight.
9:46 – Dare I say this is legitimately emotional television. My cold heart has grown three sizes tonight.
9:49 – Pull yourself together, Jake. You still have two hot broads and one cross-eyed freak vying for your affection.
9:53 – Ali makes a telephone comeback? This show certainly knows how to keep my attention.
Before I climb aboard the bitter bus and unleash my cutting, cynical observations from last night’s Super Bowl, let me congratulate the New Orleans Saints for their hard-fought victory over the Indianapolis Colts.
I’m happy God decided to allow the Saints to win a football game as a peace offering for Hurricane Katrina. I’m sure the thousands of people still displaced from their original neighbourhoods were ecstatic for the Super Bowl win. At least that’s what the mainstream media wants us to believe.
I watched the game at a party of 25 people, three of whom (myself included) were actually football fans. Tewks, why would you subject yourself to such a football-deficient atmosphere?
Well, the party was extremely well-run and the food was beyond terrific. The quality of the eats at a party cannot be underestimated enough. That is always the deciding factor when I choose to attend the myriad of parties I’m invited to every weekend (I’m like Paris Hilton).
And I don’t even mind if non-football fans are in attendance as long as two conditions are met:
1. The premium seats are reserved for the people who actually have a vested interest in the game.
Unfortunately, this clause was broken as four idiots who knew nothing about the game commandeered the couch in front of the TV. I was stuck in an uncomfortable plastic chair for four hours. My ass was sorer than Andy Dufrene’s after his time with the Sisters in The Shawshank Redemption.
2. Stupid football questions are kept to a minimum.
Strike two. I don’t care if people are curious about the game action and want further insight on why penalties were called or why one team is running the ball so much. But, I cannot stand questions like “What does fourth down mean?” or “Different players play on offence and defence?”
What’s more, these questions were asked by a full-blown lesbian. Like a real manly looking one. I guarantee she could have beaten me in an arm wrestle. I almost said, “Nice to meet you, fella” when we were first introduced. Shouldn’t she know such football basics? However, her girlfriend was pretty hot, so I have to respect her game.
Another guy had the audacity to ask, with a straight face, “Who is Peyton Manning?” Are you fucking serious? Why would you even go to a Super Bowl party if you didn’t know the answer to that question? His testicles should have been removed on the spot.
Both offences played very well, but New Orleans just had a better red zone attack. Manning had a great game, 31-45 for 333 yards, but I don’t understand why the Colts abandoned any semblance of a deep passing attack. Their touchdown was the only long distance completion they made the entire game. By sticking to short passes, Indy made it easy on the Saints defence.
Drew Brees solidified his position as a great quarterback. He kept his composure after New Orleans was down 10-0 and brought home the first Super Bowl championship in Saints history.
The onside kick in the third quarter will go down as the pivotal moment of the 2009 season. I admire such ballsy decision-making. It was a risky play, but the ensuing momentum shift was more than enough to propel the Saints to victory.
The Colts were too conservative and that ultimately led to their downfall.
Final playoff record: 6-5
For not knowing what I’m talking about, I’d say that’s pretty good.
I've discussed the Colts and Saints ad nauseum throughout the NFL postseason, so there's no point going down that road again. I have picked Indy to win every game they've played in the playoffs and I don't plan on changing my mind.
If God really wanted New Orleans to win, then he wouldn't have sent the gnarly waves of Katrina rushing down Bourbon Street. Therefore, the Colts are the pick. Currently, my record is 6-4, so regardless of what happens on Sunday I finish the postseason with a winning record. I love being a football genius.
A short column today because my house is currently going through massive bedroom and bathroom renovations, which means my services are needed to lift obscenely heavy shit.
Here are four lightning fast commentaries on stories currently making the news in the entertainment world. I was asked to write these up by people way more important than any of my regular readers (No offense).
Story #1 – Jersey Shore
My prayers for trashy television have been answered with the news that the MTV hit, Jersey Shore, has been renewed for a second season. Some people have deemed the show offensive and insulting to Italians. On the other hand, I think it’s a blueprint for how a well-adjusted society should operate.
For example, instead of saying that I slept with a girl, it’s more gentlemanly to say that I ‘smushed’ her. Also, French philosophers have nothing on Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino. The Situation refers to his impressively defined abs. But, he also calls himself The Situation. I think he’s a Situation within a Situation. Therefore, he gets involved in situations where The Situation plays a role in getting The Situation into the situation in the first place. Make sense?
Anyway, I know I’m looking forward to the premiere episode of season two.
Story #2 – Grammy Awards
All the single ladies, put your hands up! Beyonce set a Grammy Awards record for wins by a female with six trophies, including song of the year for the infectiously catchy ‘Single Ladies.’ She also looked fantastic performing the hit ‘If I Were a Boy’ in heels and dangerously tight short shorts. Never have I been more willing to hear a woman yell at me for not listening or paying enough attention to her.
However, Beyonce was denied the evening’s top honour, Album of the Year, which went to Taylor Swift for her smash hit, Fearless. At the tender age of 20, Swift continued her assault on music history by becoming the youngest recipient of the industry’s top prize. Obviously, it’s Taylor’s world and we’re all just living in it.
Story #3 – ‘Valentine’s Day’
Romantic comedy fans rejoice! Valentine’s Day is coming to a theatre near you. Opening February 12th, Valentine’s Day features an ensemble cast chock full of Hollywood heavyweights: Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey to name just a few. The plot follows interconnected couples and singles who break-up and make-up based on the pressures and expectations of Valentine’s Day.
How this movie is any different from last year’s ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ is not entirely clear, but you can be sure that thousands of women will drag their boyfriends, kicking and screaming, to go see this one. Who am I kidding? I love romantic comedies. I’ll be there opening weekend.
Story #4 – Rip Torn
Rip Torn, of Men in Black fame, has apparently thrown his hat into the ring for the title of World’s Drunkest Celebrity. Torn has been charged with a litany of criminal offenses. What did he do? He was found drunk in a bank with a loaded weapon. Why? He was so wasted that he thought the bank was his home. I can’t make this stuff up. Torn even placed his boots and hat inside the bank’s front door.
Court documents determined that his blood alcohol content was 0.203, which translates to enough alcohol to bring down a rhino. He was released on a $100,000 bond and his attorney says that Torn will head back to rehab. I would think so.
Have a great weekend and enjoy the game.
The PGA Tour is in big trouble. Does the general populace really care about anyone else in khaki pants and a polo shirt besides the right and honourable Mr. Woods?
The PGA season is just over a month old and I had no idea. If Tiger’s not involved, I’m not tuning in. And from the abysmal television ratings and lacklustre sponsorship deals, no one else in North American gives a shit either.
How starved is the PGA Tour to make waves in the mainstream media?
The biggest story the golfing world could muster is an accusation by Scott McCarron that Phil Mickelson is using an illegal wedge. Wow, stop the presses. Forget about Haiti, the media now has Wedge-Gate to sink their teeth into.
Seriously? This is the best the PGA Tour could do.
The NBA has teammates squaring off against each other, guns drawn, in an Old West duel over gambling debts and the PGA has two golfers arguing over the grooved face of a golf club. I know golf isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but come on, give us something a little meatier to chew on (that’s what she said).
Let me run down this issue, so all the mind-numbingly, boring details can be digested by all of you bursting with curiosity at such an earth-shaking story.
Apparently, Phil Mickelson is using a 1989 Ping Eye2 wedge that has square grooves. According to the United States Golf Association, square grooves are illegal and not to be used in PGA tournaments. But, as a result of a loophole from a legal settlement 20 years ago, the Ping Eye2 wedges are still allowed under some unusual grandfather clause.
This got Scott McCarron’s panties in a twist (who the fuck is Scott McCarron anyway?) and he accused ‘Phil the Thrill’ Mickelson of being a cheater. Full disclosure, I am a terrible golfer so I have no idea what benefit square grooves have. Honestly, I could play just as well with a tire iron.
I guess it’s somewhat shady that Mickelson is taking advantage of a legal loophole, but I would hardly consider the use of the wedge cheating. McCarron just needs to calm down and fade back into obscurity.
What I don’t understand is why Mickelson would want to use the club in the first place. The advances in golf club technology over the past two decades have been extraordinary. I would think that any contemporary wedge would be one hundred times better than a square-grooved club from 1989.
Anyway, McCarron has apologized; Mickelson has accepted the apology and decided not to use the club anymore. So, crisis averted. Thank God.
I just can’t wait for Woods to make his return at the Masters. It’s going to be an epic event. Then the world of golf will have something interesting to talk about.
I just don’t have it today, folks. A wave of melancholy has struck deep into the pit of my creativity and left me grasping for a column topic. I literally have nothing to say right now. What am I supposed to write about?
The Leafs?
Yeah, they won 3-0. Big deal. Now, we have to spend the rest of the day listening to their moronic fan base plan a Stanley Cup parade because they caught the Devils on an off night. Did you hear the Air Canada Centre crowd chant Phaneuf’s name because he got into a fight? Really? You want to pay $6.5 million to an enforcer? Let’s hold off on comparisons to Doug Gilmour and Wendell Clark and wait for Dion to, you know, get a point.
I actually read one columnist who said that the Phaneuf acquisition will be a boon to Phil Kessel because it will take the pressure off of the jittery American. What a ridiculous line of logic. To hear the GTA talk about him, I’m expecting Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment to retire Phaneuf’s jersey at the next home game.
The Raptors?
I spent last Friday writing a gushing ode to the Raptors about how they’ve turned a corner and look to be Toronto’s only shot of having team make the postseason. What do the Raptors do? Completely undermine my credibility and lose to the lowly Indiana Pacers last night.
Not only did they lose, but they gave up 130 points to a team that is sixteen games under .500. Sure, Chris Bosh and Andrea Bargnani combined for 69 points, but we have always known that Toronto can score points. Defence is where this team falls woefully short. And, I’m sorry, but playoff calibre teams do not give up 130 points to the Indiana Pacers.
Entertainment or Pop Culture?
After yesterday’s opus on The Bachelor, the fleeting remnants of my manhood cannot take another column on such superfluous fluff.
Thus, I am requesting the help of you, my dear readers. Post a question or comment to today’s column and I will answer anything and everything in a future Valentine’s Day mailbag. Just don’t post under Anonymous.
Sound good?
Merci Beaucoup.
It’s Tuesday, which means I will spend way more time discussing The Bachelor than any straight man should. Last week’s live recap was such a success I decided to do it again:
8:00 – How many ladies will Jake send home tonight? 1? 2? All of them? Anything’s possible.
8:03 – Did ABC pick San Francisco so Jake would have trouble repressing his innate homosexual thoughts? Gay thoughts = ratings bonanza?
8:05 – I need more of Tenley bouncing up and down in my life.
8:09 – I thought San Francisco trolleys were electric? I don’t think that bus meets emission standards.
8:11 – They’re making fortune cookies in Chinatown. Could this be any more stereotypical? Was a karate lesson not available?
8:13 – Ali and Vienna on the group date!! Amazing!!
8:14 – Oh, nice misdirection by Corrie. She had me fooled. We may have the next Meryl Streep in our midst.
8:15 – Catfight, catfight, catfight!!! Strip down to bra and panties! Actually, Vienna can keep her clothes on.
8:16 – Sister Tewks just said she likes Vienna. I asked her to leave.
8:19 – Now she’s making fun of Tenley’s voice. I think she’s just trying to piss me off.
8:20 – Nice turtleneck, Jake. Does he try to be a loser in the first hour or this just a coincidence?
8:23 – “Her fingers are really fat. They look like claws.” From the mouth of Sister Tewks about Tenley. Unbelievable. I love watching this show with women. The level of cattiness astounds me. Rational thought just flies right out the window.
8:28 – The chest filled with clothes for Vienna and Gia’s 2 on 1 date reminds me of Mr. Dressup’s tickle trunk.
8:30 – “I’m a little nervous going on a date with two women.” Just have sex with both of them, Jake.
8:35 – Vienna might have an extra chromosome or two. I mean she looks retarded with a capital R.
8:36 – “You can eat my salmon.” Nice job, Gia. Boom. Roasted.
8:38 – Vienna is uber creepy. Why is she holding that lantern like a medieval dungeon master? This is terrifying.
8:46 – “I want Jake to see my fun side.” Corrie, honey, let me give some advice. If your fun side doesn’t include you topless, he’s not interested.
8:47 - Ok, Vienna has stalker like tendencies. I would kick her out of the castle post haste. Vienna doesn’t need to go back upstairs Jake, she needs to go home.
8:55 – This rowboat date reminds me of The Notebook . . . Christ, I’m such a homo.
8:56 – Kiss her, Jake! Jesus, he has zero game. How can you not tell she wants you to kiss her? This is painful.
8:57 – “I’m about ready for dinner.” That was the highest of comedy. You are pathetic, Jake. Grow a pair, my friend.
9:01 – Corrie’s a virgin!! Do they still make those?
9:02 – It doesn’t bother you, Jake? Bullshit. She’s gone tonight. Why is she on this show if she’s a virgin? Does she really want her first time to be on national television on an overnight date?
9:07 – Ali is like an angel sent from Heaven to give me an erection every Monday night.
9:13 – Now, both Mama and Sister Tewks are trashing Ali’s voice. The claws are out tonight.
9:18 – Ali gives backrubs too? She is the perfect women. Wow, look at her straddling him. Little Jake must be standing to attention right now.
9:22 – “Do you want to jump in the water?” No, not really.
9:30 – “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” This is good damage control by Corrie. Let him know that you won’t sleep with him, but you’ll go down on him. That’s what she means, right?
9:43 – “Ali’s the kind of girl you can just curl up with and be safe.” JAKE, YOU ARE A MAN. Start acting like one.
9:49 – That’s two weeks in a row Tenley got the first rose. She may be the new frontrunner.
9:50 - My girl Ali is right behind.
9:51 – Gia is currently putting together a solid performance and flying under the radar. Now she’s got a hometown date. Good for her.
9:51 – Vienna again? What is wrong with you?
9:52 – He obviously got rid of Corrie because she’s a virgin. Just admit it, Jake. I won’t judge. I would have done the same thing.
9:52 – “I was concerned that Corrie wouldn’t open up fully.” My thoughts exactly.
Revised Top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Gia
981. Vienna
I do have to give Leaf fans credit: they are eternally optimistic.
Jesus, by listening to the radio and reading some of the comments on the web, you would have thought Brian Burke was able to trade for Bobby Orr and Terry Sawchuk respectively. Let’s all take a deep breath and take a look at this trade piece by piece, starting with the new Leafs:
Dion Phaneuf
I find it very revealing that casual Leaf fans are more excited about this trade than any established members of the hockey intelligentsia. There’s a reason why Phaneuf was left off the Canadian Olympic team (how funny is it that he is in the ‘Force Fate’ Nike commercial? It cracks me up every time).
He has regressed greatly over the past two years. Phaneuf is no longer the same player who was a 2008 Norris Trophy finalist. He’s not even the same player that Pierre McGuire had an on-air orgasm over during every game of the 2005 World Junior Championship. Phaneuf is the Benjamin Button of NHL defencemen.
Can he even handle playing in the biggest hockey market in the world? I don’t think so. Phaneuf doesn’t even have a thick enough skin to not care when Sean Avery points out, correctly, that his girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert, is a puck bunny. What’s going to happen when the media is all over Phaneuf for one of his patented bonehead passes? The guy will have a mental breakdown.
Jean-Sebastien Giguere
Is he really that big of an upgrade over Vesa Toskala? Once again, Leaf fans are falling in love with the name. Sure, Giguere was terrific in the 2006 Stanley Cup playoffs when he led the Anaheim Ducks to victory, but he’s been completely average since then.
And now we’re going to have to deal with sportswriters making corny ‘Getting Jiggy with It’ jokes for the rest of the season. Fantastic.
Fredrik Sjostrom
He’s from Sweden.
Keith Aulie
He’s not old enough to drink in the United States.
Now for the players lucky enough to leave Toronto’s sinking ship:
Vesa Toskala
He’s an average NHL goaltender. Average NHL goaltenders cannot succeed on terrible teams like the Leafs.
Jason Blake
The only player in the NHL capable of having ten shots on net per game without ever skating near the crease; like Gretzky in his prime, it’s something we may never see again.
Niklas Hagman
I have never seen him break a sweat or give the illusion that he gives a shit about wins and losses. Good riddance.
Jamal Mayers
He’s a black guy.
Ian White
I actually really like Ian White. He’s a solid blue-collar guy who isn’t afraid to mix it up in the corners. Plus, you can always count on him to have terrific facial hair. He will be missed.
Matt Stajan
This was the first year of his career that he actually showed promise to develop into a bona fide second line centre. About three years too late. Stajan is probably the most surprising person to be moved, but was probably a key piece in acquiring Phaneuf since he’s conservatively priced.
To sum up: the Leafs are still terrible, but their payroll is now higher. Nice job, Burkie.
The Toronto Raptors are completely flipping the script on what is expected of a professional sports franchise in the Big Smoke. The Raptors have ignored the memo that Toronto teams are supposed to be cellar dwellers, where the possibility of a playoff spot is nothing more than a dream vanishing into the air like chimney smoke on a bitterly cold, winter’s day (yes, I am looking out the window).
I know I have been brutally tough on the Raptors, Chris Bosh specifically, in the past, but I must admit I am very impressed with their play of late. My biggest problem with the team has been that they don’t play with heart and don’t appear to possess one iota of mental toughness or testicular fortitude.
The Raptors are a talented team, but talent can only take you so far. Talent can get you forty wins in a season, with the majority of them coming against teams below you in the standings. To succeed in the postseason, where it counts, you need grit, heart and sandpaper. The top teams in the NBA have this in spades. If they are going to lose a game, then they are going to go down fighting.
Too often, the Raptors just lie down and die in the face of adversity. But, something has changed in the last couple of weeks. They’re starting to play with a swagger. They believe they can hang with teams in the upper echelon of the NBA. It’s becoming exciting to follow the Raptors again.
To whom can the turnaround be attributed? One man and one man only: Jay Triano.
It’s Triano who is responsible for instituting a culture of accountability and challenging his players to play with an edge. Unfortunately, it took him half a season to get his European and American born players to start playing like a bunch of playoff-hungry Canadians.
Even Hedo Turkoglu has proved to be up to the challenge. For the first three months of the season, he played like a corpse. Over the last few weeks, Turkoglu appears to be at least playing with a pulse and the mobility of a geriatric. Maybe by the time playoffs roll around he will resemble a professional basketball player.
I might even have to start watching Raptors games again, instead of just watching the highlights or reading the game recaps the next morning. Look at who they’ve beaten in 2010: Orlando Magic, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat and the Knicks on the road.
It’s pathetic that this city gets excited about a team that’s three games over .500 but, let’s be honest, beggars can’t be choosers.
For the second day in a row, a lengthy suspension has dominated the headlines at Talkin’ with Tewks. NBA Commissioner, David Stern, has suspended both Gilbert Arenas and Javari Crittenton for the rest of the 2009-10 season for bringing firearms into the Verizon Centre locker room.
What’s most intriguing about this story is that the NBA actually has a law in place to punish such actions. Apparently, the Wizards guards became the first players to violate an NBA rule that prohibits firearms on team property.
Does anyone else find it disconcerting that such a rule needs to be instituted in the first place?
I would think that functional members of society would inherently understand that bringing guns into the workplace is probably not a good idea. It’s terrifying to think that the NBA was so concerned about this issue that it needed to be added to a clause in the collective bargaining agreement.
I know the political correct police get up in arms when NBA players are referred to as thugs, but what else do you call people who resort to brandishing guns after a card game dispute?
What planet are these guys living on? They do realize that movies like The Good, the Bad and the Ugly and Tombstone are made up, right? They are supposed to be professionals; professionals don’t act like petulant gang bangers who wave guns in the air to overcompensate for their small penises.
This cowardly display of steel to exert authority and appear menacing is so typical of basketball players in general. They all preen and prance around, acting like the toughest hombres in town (see Bosh, Chris), but what happens when these mincing dandies are faced with an actual confrontation?
They resort to childish slaps and hope that teammates will come “hold them back” from getting into a donnybrook.
Have you seen a basketball fight? It’s pathetic. These supposedly big, tough guys turn into nine year olds girls fighting on the playground. There’s yelling and screaming, probably some crying, and futile attempts at bitch slapping the object of their derision.
There’s a reason why these big ladies need to carry guns around. They can’t settle scores real man style, so they need to hide behind their glocks. You wouldn’t see hockey players waving guns at each other after a locker room dispute. They’d settle it with their fists, shake hands and then go get a beer.
That’s the manly (and Canadian) way. Oddly enough, those terms are not mutually exclusive.
I’ve steered clear of commenting on the vicious elbow Patrice Cormier delivered to the head of Mikael Tam because I wanted to wait and see if the QMJHL would have the cojones to dole out a proper punishment. Surprisingly, they did, and the league meted out a suspension for the rest of the season and playoffs to Canada’s World Junior captain.
I figured the issue was to put to bed and I could avoid discussing it since I’ve already given my thoughts on head shots in hockey. However, I read in the Toronto Star today that Patrice Cormier plans to appeal his suspension because it’s “too severe.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
(Quick aside: Excellent work, as always, by CSzem with his thoughts on The Bachelor. In fact, his insight is almost too good. You swear you’re not getting help from your wife? Also, have you made any progress with The Bachelor podcast idea? We need to make this happen. Click on my contributor link and send me an email. A brainstorm session may be needed.)
Cormier’s cowardly attack on Lam wasn’t a clean hit gone awry, like Michael Liambis’ hit on Ben Fanelli earlier in the year. This was premeditated thuggery with the intent to severely injure. There is no other explanation for such a brutal act.
Cormier came off the bench and used his elbow as a battering ram to knock the oblivious Lam into next week. In some cases, elbow shots to the head can occur if the opposing player ducks his at the last minute or there is a large size discrepancy between players. Those instances are just unfortunate accidents.
In this case, Cormier actually stuck his elbow into the air to clock Lam in the face. It was the epitome of a cheap shot and the work of a complete pussy.
Watching Lam lay bloody and battered on the ice, his body wracked with convulsions, was one of the most disturbing things I have ever witnessed on the ice (second only to Todd Bertuzzi’s blind side mugging of Steve Moore six years ago). Did Cormier show any remorse? Nope. He nonchalantly skated off the ice like he just got a two minute penalty for interference.
This isn’t even the first time Cormier has used an errant elbow as a battering ram. In the World Juniors, he broke the nose of a Swedish player while skating off the ice for a line change. In that case, the puck was nowhere near the incident. Evidently, Cormier is just an inconsiderate asshole who needs to taste the heavy fists of justice.
I sincerely hope the QMJHL sticks to its guns and keeps Cormier banned for the rest of the season. Playing junior hockey is a privilege and Cormier has shown that he doesn’t deserve such a privilege.
I love how the New Jersey Devils have decided to honour the suspension and won’t send Cormier to their farm team to circumvent the CHL ban.
Truthfully, Cormier shouldn’t even be given a chance to come back until Mikael Lam has fully recovered from his injuries and is back on the ice himself. Then the punishment would truly fit the crime.
As promised, here is a two hour live recap of last night’s episode of The Bachelor:
8:00 – I sit here in my living room with Mama and Sisters Tewks. We’re having a girl’s night. Papa Tewks is nowhere to be found. I suspect he is out looking for a straight son.
8:01 – Watching the episode preview, Mama Tewks just remarked that Jake “is thinking too much with his penis.” This should be an interesting evening.
8:02 – A 2 on 1 date? Now we’re talking. Sounds like a regular Saturday night in my bedroom.
8:03 – Have these girls never seen a bus before? Why do they squeal every time something happens?
8:06 – How many times do we need to see Jake on his motorcycle? Yeah, we get it; he’s like Tom Cruise in Top Gun.
8:07 – “If I have to take one for the team and do the 2 on 1, I’ll do it.” Atta girl, Ali. I love her now more than ever.
8:09 – These women are in their twenties, correct? It feels like I’m in the cafeteria in junior high school.
8:14 – Why do they run everywhere? They’re playing hide and seek? Jesus Christ, this is pathetic. Gia's laugh is excruciating. I want to kill myself.
8:15 – Ten bucks Jake has a boner with Gia wrapped around his waist.
8:16 – I’m pretty sure everyone stills call you Mr. Dateless, Jake.
8:17 – Spin the bottle: first time is cheek, second time is lips, third time is . . . penis?
8:18 – Why does Jake always bury his face into these broads’ shoulders? Methinks Jake has some unresolved mommy issues.
8:23 – Ok, let’s be honest. He’s only cooking hot dogs because he wants to see phallic shaped foods enter her mouth.
8:28 – When Gia talks it sounds like she has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth.
8:28 – What do the girls mean when they say “give it all away?” I think their definition and my definition is a little different considering none of them have been naked yet. They must mean emotions and junk.
8:34 – Jake is like that loser in Grease 2 who tries to use a bike to look cool.
8:35 – Ok, we’re at the beach. I better see some fake boobs in a bikini or I’m going to lose my mind.
8:38 – If these girls did Crossfit, they’d be able to get the dune buggy unstuck.
8:39 – “It’s all over my face!” That’s what she said.
8:40 – “I invited everyone to roll down the hill.” Why? These dates seem like the opposite of fun. I would refuse to do any of this bullshit.
8:46 – “I have sand in every crevice in my body”. Oddly, that comment aroused me.
8:47 – Thanks for dressing up for the group dinner, Jake. It looks like he’s going to buy lumber at Home Depot.
8:48 – Do we have confirmation that Jake has ever been with a woman before? He is the epitome of awkward.
8:52 – Why is he laying on top of her like that? What happened to the testicles Jake seemingly developed last week? I am embarrassed as a member of the male gender right now.
8:55 – Vienna is pretty wide. She’s got a linebacker’s frame. She looks like one of the rock formations at Stonehenge.
9:03 – I think Ella gets hotter every episode. She’s starting to grow on me. Kathryn looks like Jay Leno’s daughter.
9:05 – “I look for faith and family values.” Me too, Jake.
9:06 – I would get absolutely hammered drunk on this 2 on 1 date.
9:09 – Oh, Kathryn, nagging and being a bitch is not the way to get a husband. You’re gone, sweetheart.
9:16 – That was a shocker. Ella is a babe. I bet it’s because she has a kid. Too much baggage.
9:18 – WOW!!!! Double elimination. Now that’s a twist. Nice move, Jake. He always seems to redeem himself in the second hour of the episode.
9:20 – Why are they crying that both chicks are gone? Shouldn’t they be happy? I don’t understand this show.
9:28 – Corrie’s gone too. “Do I make you nervous? Why not?” Shut up. No, Corrie, you’re not good looking enough to make me nervous, you arrogant skank.
9:30 – Ali is amazing. I might have to creep her on Facebook after this episode. Maybe give her a little poke. Or is that too soon?
9:34 – How much does Chris Harrison make for hosting this show? He does absolutely nothing. What a sweet gig. Excuse me ladies, I have to make a quick toast and get a production assistant to forge my signature on a date card. Now, where’s my cheque?
9:42 – Stop crying. Christ, this guy is such a pussy.
9:43 – He wants to get rid of two more? Jake is running through these broads like nobody’s business. For a complete wuss, he’s a cold-hearted player.
9:49 – I don’t know how Jake can get rid of Ashleigh in that dress. Wow. Let’s just say my computer just flipped involuntarily off my lap.
9:54 – “It’s not about sex appeal, it’s about heart appeal.” It is? I did not get that memo.
Well, this was fun. My revamped top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. I don’t like the rest of them.
I knew it couldn’t last the entire season. I knew Brett Favre’s conservative passing attack and smart decision-making would eventually be thrown out the window and he’d return to his gunslinging ways.
However, I didn’t expect that we’d have to wait until the NFC Championship game for Favre’s typical, ill-advised, go-for-broke style of play. Despite everything I’ve written about him ), I must concede that I’ve been very impressed with Favre’s play all year long.
He played great during the regular season. Why? Because he stopped trying to be the hero and just conducted himself like another member of the team. There’s a reason why he threw so few interceptions this season: he stuck to making high percentage throws and leaned on his running game more so than in Green Bay.
It’s amazing what can happen when you stop making stupid throws and force balls into triple coverage. Instead, check down your receivers and make the easiest pass. It’s not rocket science. Favre did this beautifully all season and I begrudgingly rated him to be one of the top five quarterbacks in the NFL this year.
Even last night, through fifty-nine minutes of the game, Favre’s stellar performance had the Vikings on the precipice of their fifth Super Bowl appearance. In fact, if it wasn’t for Minnesota’s complete inability to hang onto the football, the Vikings would have blown the Saints out of the water.
Still, Minnesota was poised to kick a field goal with no time remaining on the clock to win the game in regulation. With nineteen seconds left, in Saints territory, Favre rolled out to his right, looking to pick up another ten yards to give Ryan Longwell a chance to boot the pigskin through the uprights.
Favre looked upfield and saw no defenders in his vicinity. He could have easily ran the ball himself, slid for a first down and given Longwell a very makeable field goal attempt. That was the safe play. That was the smart play. That was the play we’d come to expect from the 2009 version of Brett Favre.
Unfortunately, the lure of his old swashbuckling ways was too much to pass up. Favre stupidly forced a throw across his body in a blanket of coverage. Sure enough, he was picked off, the Saints won the toss and New Orleans was off celebrating their first Super Bowl berth in team history.
What a bonehead decision by Favre; although, it was probably a good outcome for my sanity. With Favre limping around on his gimpy ankle and still making completions, I could have not have tolerated the fawning appreciation by the media over Brett if the Vikings had, in fact, won. Honestly, if Favre led the game-winning drive last night, I’m pretty sure he would have been elected President of the United States.
How about Peyton Manning? He adjusted beautifully to the Jets suffocating defensive coverage and brought the Colts back from an early 11 point deficit to earn his second Super Bowl trip. Manning is the most prepared quarterback to ever play the game. He literally imposes his will on teams. I don’t see how the Colts can be stopped.
Kudos to Dirty Sanchez and the J-E-T-S. They gave a valiant effort and look to be a force in the AFC for the foreseeable future. They are only going to get better.
A 2-0 Conference Championship weekend puts my playoff record at 6-4 with one game remaining. I challenge any paid football prognosticator to put their abilities (and paycheque) up against Tewks in a football knowledge battle royale.
I cannot be stopped.
As always, my liberal readers got their panties in a twist over yesterday’s article. They took time out their busy schedule of hugging trees and having trust falls with endangered seals to misconstrue my commentary on the use of trash talk in sports and turn it into a tired debate of racism and acceptance. Way to make a mountain out a mole hill.
AG, you are a self-professed non-athlete and have never participated in organized sports. I don’t care what happens in the workplace; I was talking about insults and epithets in sports. I don’t know anything about technology or high finance, therefore I don’t comment on those topics. Leave the sports discussion to people who know what they are talking about.
K-Star, next time put down the John Lennon ‘Give Peace a Chance’ liner notes and develop an original opinion. Political correctness will lead to a world without war? Seriously? Your comment was so saccharine that I needed a shot of insulin after I read it.
Now onto more important matters: last night was the season finale of the Jersey Shore. I wasn’t going to let such a monumental moment in history go by without a live recap. Here are my real time thoughts of last night’s episode:
10:00 – I had a thorough session of GTL (gym, tan, laundry for those of you who aren’t cool) in preparation for tonight’s show. In the immortal words of Pauly D, you always need to be fresh.
10:01 – How was Ronnie acting in self-defence? He ran 200 metres down the street and one-punched some poor schmuck. Exactly what threat did that guy pose to you? Other than correctly informing you that your girlfriend dresses like a whore.
10:02 – “Should I call 911?” Yes, Snooki call 911 because your juicehead roommate punched some guy in the face. That is the definition of an emergency. Jesus, what a ruh-tard.
10:04 – Ronnie had to control ‘the situation’. How does he have enough money for bail? Did the camera guy have to stay there with him? I have so many questions. Is it too much to ask that Ronnie got sodomized during his three hour incarceration? It’s only fair that he be on the receiving end of a ‘smush’.
10:11 – “This is what happens at the Jersey Shore.” Really? Somehow I don’t think the Garden State will put that on a license plate: come to Seaside Heights and get your head caved in.
10:12 – The Situation has the worst batting average of any guy I have ever seen. This proves the theory that getting a girl’s number means nothing. Most of these chicks probably just gave him some digits to get rid of him. Has The Situation ever hooked up with or even met a girl who wanted to be around him the next day?
10:13 – Why do they need dates? They aren’t going to a Broadway show. They’re going to the beach for Christ’s sakes! This is literally a case of ‘you don’t bring sand to the beach.’ I would think The Situation would know better. I love how he went from ‘I’m getting dates for all of us’ to ‘Uh, we don’t want outsiders coming with us anyway’ when he realized that none of his ‘ladies’ would answer his calls. Nice save.
10:17 – Why does the viewer disclaimer at the end of each commercial warn of mature subject matter? Scenes of sexuality and coarse language I can see, but mature is the last word I would use to describe this show.
10:18 – “Steroid, growth hormone juiceheads–that’s the kind of guy I am into.” Who else but Jwoww would say something like that? Way to set the bar high, girl. “Where are the gorillas?” I feel like I’m watching Animal Planet right now.
10:19 – “Thin is in”. I agree with The Situation. No roids for Tewks, just Crossfit.
10:20 – “I make my way over to some cute girl and do what I do best—Pimpin’.” You and me both The Situation, you and me both.
10:21 – Apparently, The Situation’s definition of fun involves statutory rape. However, to his credit, the beach babe is probably the hottest chick I have seen on this show all season. Nice, little caboose on her. She is ripe for an Eric Tillman.
10:22 – Snooki, you might want to start chasing guys. Beggars can’t be choosers, my dear.
10:24 – Snooki is built like the Penguin from Batman Returns. Why is she dancing on the boardwalk by herself? I wish people would have started throwing change at her.
10:25 – “Come back to my house! I miss you!” “NO!” Fantastic. An MVP performance by Snooki’s ex-boyfriend. I love how his face was blurred out; probably because he was embarrassed to admit that he dated her in the first place. I don’t blame him. I couldn’t picture sleeping with Snooki. It would be trying to have sex with a mini fridge.
10:30 – I think The Situation, Pauly D and Vinny are going to make out here. What a touching moment.
10:31 - Oh, this romantic dinner is going to be painful. I hate these two. STOP SAYING LIKE. Fuck, Sammi is a moron.
10:33 – “I’m not having a girl over; I’m hanging out with the roomies”. Way to fall on your sword for housemates. I love how The Situation made it sound like he made the choice not to have some chicks over. Sure thing, pal. I’m pretty confident that if a girl called right now and wanted to bang, he’d desert these people in a heartbeat.
10:38 – Vinny, those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. We saw the old broad you were hooking up with. I’d rather have the bulldog.
10:40 – I don’t know who is more desperate between The Situation and Snooki. It might be a tie.
10:41 – God, I really don’t want to see her naked.
10:41 – Gross.
10:42 – Wow, The Situation showed a brief moment of human decency. However, I bet he just realized how bad Snooki’s body actually is. I hoped she waited in the hot tub for him till the sun came up.
10:45 – Jesus, these people have known each other for six weeks at the Jersey Shore. They didn’t serve overseas together. The melancholic atmosphere makes me want to puke. Someone punch someone or get a group orgy going.
10:47 – The fist pump montage made me smile. It's a fight against the beat.
10:48 – “This is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.” And what is that, Ronnie? Jail? Chlamydia?
10:53 – “I ran the house from start to finish”; “It was my world”; “I took what I wanted (except, you know, sex with girls).” In what parallel universe is The Situation living in to make these comments with a straight face?
10:54 – Holy shit, Ronnie is short. I don’t think he’d be allowed to ride the Teacups at Disneyland
10:55 – Yeah, Sammi did make out with both The Situation and Ronnie on one night. How are we glossing over the fact that Sammi’s a tramp?
10:55 – Could a Jersey Shore wedding between Ronnie and Sammi be in the offing? Wedding fist pump.
10:59 - “Get crazy, get wild, lets party, get loud, if you wanna have then do something, if you wanna have fun then do something . . . CRAZY”. What a great song. It better get nominated for a Grammy.
Wow. What an experience. I don’t have enough energy to cover the reunion show. I sincerely hope this isn’t the last time North America hears from everyone’s favourite guidos and guidettes.
Football Playoff Picks:
Indianapolis Colts vs. New York Jets
The clock is about to strike midnight on Dirty Sanchez and the Jets Cinderella run.
The Pick: Indianapolis
Minnesota Vikings vs. New Orleans Saints
Hurricane Katrina vs. Brett “The Messiah” Favre. Something’s gotta give.
The Pick: New Orleans
Current Record: 4-4
Another article in the Toronto Star has provided the impetus for today’s column. This story was on the front page of the sports section and, as soon as I read the title, I knew that it would draw my ire.
What was it? ‘School pulls plug on hockey team after on-ice slur.’
Once again, the politically correct police has reared its ugly head in an effort to make this world a bastion of sugar plums, sunshine, teddy bears and rainbows. No wonder our grandfathers are so concerned with the state of the world. This era of political correctness has contributed to the “wussification” of society.
You wouldn’t have to listen to bullshit like this seventy years ago. Do you know why? Because people had more important things to worry about—like World War II.
Apparently, a member of the Thomas A. Blakelock Tigers used a discriminatory slur against a player of Middle Eastern descent in mid December.
To which I reply: who gives a shit?
Trash talk is an integral component in all sports. What better way to gain an edge on the field of battle then by engaging your opponent in a war of words? You play to win the game. If your opponent is mentally weak and susceptible to verbal taunts, by all means unleash hell.
If a player can’t ignore on field taunts or derisive verbal blows, that’s his problem. He’s not mentally tough enough to play the game.
In this case, the decision was made suspend operations of the Tigers hockey team for the remainder of the season. Now, the article discusses a previous incident of inappropriate behaviour that resulted in three players being kicked off the team. Also, Blakelock was involved in a number of on-ice altercations earlier in the season.
If the racial slur was considered to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and the principal of the school was just looking for a reason to shut down the team, I can understand that point of view.
However, the principal, Kevin Caughlin, said that “he understand[s] it’s an emotional game. But race, sexual orientation or any other harassment is not part of the game.”
What if a player tells an opponent that he plays hockey like a girl? Is that considered to be gender harassment? What if a player tells an opponent that he is a pussy for not fighting? If that hurts the target’s feelings, is a suspension warranted?
Do you see how stupid and ridiculous this all is?
I can give you a personal example. In university, I was pitching in a close game in the playoffs. There was a runner on second with two outs. The baserunner started disparaging Mama Tewks, saying plenty of things that I don’t want to reprint here. Did I call time and cry to the umpire that his words made me sad? Of course not. Was their malicious intent behind the player’s words? No, he was just trying to get me to lose focus (I didn’t; I struck the batter out).
What’s more is that I transferred to my opponent’s school the next year and he was one of my closest friends on the team. Trash talk is a part of the game. Lighten up, people.
However, these kids do need to learn to make these comments away from the prying ears of the referees. When I played hockey, the refs would laugh at such comments. Now they have to ‘take a stand’.
The Star article gave two examples of slurs used last hockey season. In one case, a fourteen year old used the following to taunt an opponent: “Shouldn’t you be out blowing up buildings or something?”
That’s genius. That would definitely piss someone off and maybe entice them to take a stupid penalty.
The other comment involved a sixteen year old calling an opposing goalie “a dumb fucking Jew.” That one’s not as clever. I prefer a little more subtlety with more insults. Try to get a little creative.
I might have asked for financial advice, or maybe make a reference to a Ponzi scheme etc. Or just feign surprise and say “I didn’t know you guys could even play sports.”
Ba-dum-cha.
Once again, CSzem really stepped up to the plate and provided more fantastic commentary on The Bachelor. I implore anyone who is a fan of the show to check out the Vegas odds and his thoughts on the remaining ladies.
Truthfully, Entertainment Weekly or a website of that ilk should really start paying us to recap this show. By dissecting each episode from a male’s perspective, we are providing insight that is impossible to find on typical, estrogen-fest message boards.
Here’s my public offer to CSzem. When The Bachelor airs the episode with the overnight or hometown dates (the final four?), we should do a podcast the next day to discuss it. Now, I’m not nearly smart enough to know how to do a podcast, but if you can figure out the technology, we need to make this happen. It’s time to bring this blog into the 21st century. Is there a better way to start than by talking about The Bachelor for thirty minutes on a Tuesday morning? I don’t think so.
Let me know your thoughts, CSzem.
Today, I wanted to discuss an issue that has vexed me for some time. On the front page of the Toronto Star, there is an article accusing an elementary school teacher of having a sexual relationship with a student.
Unfortunately, incidents like this are not uncommon. What I find unusual about this story is the characters involved. Usually, an inappropriate sexual relationship between an adult and a minor involves an older man and a young girl.
This is because men are disgusting perverts. Also, some men become enamoured with the eroticization of young girls. Basically, it’s the Lolita effect. Why do you think Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova were so popular when they first burst onto the scene? Here were two young, very attractive girls that looked and dressed like women, but were minors.
The horndogs in the mainstream media covered those two incessantly and it wasn’t because they were talented. This is also the reason why there were a number of websites devoted to a countdown of the Olsen Twins’ 18th birthday. The lesson: men are pigs.
What I don’t understand is the sexual relationships where the adult is female and child is male. Seeing a woman prey on a minor seems completely out of character.
So, I think of the reasons why adults would try to coerce a minor into having sex in the first place. Most likely, they do this because they are unable to attract members of the opposite sex in their own age bracket. They go for a child to use their position of authority to get what they want. That makes sense from a creepy old dude’s perspective.
Typically, women don’t have that problem. If a woman really wants a man, she can get one. I don’t care how ugly or homely she is, somewhere there is a guy who will sleep with her. So, for any inappropriate relationship between a woman and a boy, the woman must be a dog, right?
This where the Toronto Star story is so confusing: the teacher in question is a babe. A total cougar. Why does she need to have sex with a student? Why go after a prepubescent boy when you could have a virile stud like Tewks?
Does the kid in question have an unparalleled game? How did he pull this off? I need more information.
I couldn’t get girls my own age to sleep with me in school, let alone a smoking hot teacher. I probably would have gotten much better grades if I had a proverbial carrot like that dangling in front of me.
Cheers to education.
I really wish real life gave people an option to file for arbitration. What a fantastic tool to have at one’s disposal when looking for greater compensation. For example, I don’t think I am compensated well enough for the limited and ineffective work I actually do. I should be able to take the people who give me money to an arbitration court to plead my case.
Basically, I would have to convince the arbitrator that I am worthy of an exorbitant amount of money, while my employers would try to lowball me and tell the arbitrator how bad I am at everything I do.
The arbitrator would then choose between our offers and award me the salary deemed most reflective of my talents and abilities. All I have to do is sweet talk an arbitrator and then I’ll get what I want? Piece of cake. I’d just show up to the arbitration hearing without a shirt on (maybe greased up with some massage oil) and the arbitrator, man or woman, would have no choice but to side with Tewks.
Arbitration is most prevalent in Major League Baseball. Players eligible to file for arbitration are those who do not yet have enough years of service to test the free agent waters.
Shaun Marcum filed for arbitration and reached a deal with Blue Jays general manager, Alex Anthopolous, before attending an arbitration hearing. That’s another positive benefit of arbitration. Most teams don’t want to go through the hassle of appearing before an arbitrator, so they work to get a deal done ASAP.
Marcum signed a one year deal for $850,000. Last year he made $400,520. How many innings did Marcum pitch for the Jays in the 2009 season? Zero.
I’m confused.
Marcum got a one hundred percent raise and he didn’t even play last year. Does he have naked pictures of Anthopolous clubbing a baby seal or something? How the hell do you give a guy who did nothing all year more money?
I may not be a business mogul, but I’m fairly certain that you shouldn’t double someone’s salary when zero services have been rendered. That would be analogous to a book publisher telling me the following:
“Tewks, I know you’ve never written a book before. But, your book has a possibility of being really good. Therefore, instead of us publishing the manuscript and giving you a percentage of total sales, a low risk option, we’re going to give you a $1 million advance instead.”
Actually, you know what. That’s exactly what should happen. Forget I said anything.
The Bachelor . . .
Jake has finally become a man, and not a moment too soon.
But first, when I saw him hyperventilating and practically in tears before the bungee jump, I almost stopped watching the show entirely. It was excruciating to watch. At one point, he had his arm around the bungee jump guy and his head buried in Vienna’s shoulder.
It was one of the most emasculating things I have ever seen in my life. At that moment, I sincerely believe Jake’s penis reverted into itself and became a rudimentary vagina. Just a sickening display.
However, Jake completely redeemed himself in the second hour. Crazy Michelle was pulling her regular Fatal Attraction-like mating ritual when she basically forced Jake to kiss her. Then, she admonished him for not kissing her passionately enough. Jake just sat there and took the abuse. Next, Michelle, for the second time, threatened to leave, but said she would stay “if Jake asked her to.”
What happened?
Jake magically grew a spine. He became as angry as his boring personality would allow and told Michelle to hit the road in the middle of a group date. It was fantastic. The other women practically climaxed at Jake’s first display of testosterone.
Jake’s transformation to a real man was complete with the smackdown he laid on Elizabeth. Once again, she tried to play games by asking for a back rub, getting all touchy feely, and saying how she wanted to kiss him. But, she refused to kiss him.
Jake finally called bullshit. He correctly determined Elizabeth was a tease and said so to her face. He told her he wasn’t going to put up with her shit anymore. She, as a moron, incorrectly assumed Jake was pissed because she wouldn’t kiss him.
No. He was pissed because you were trying to play games and be a bitch. I was literally yelling at the TV screen during this segment. It’s a good thing I am not the bachelor. I would have sent that broad home in tears. Scorched earth policy.
Jake sent Elizabeth packing and put the rest of the ladies on notice; any bullshit and you’re history. This season just got a little more interesting.
My new top 3:
1. Ali
2. Tenley
3. Ashleigh
Next week I am writing a live recap of the show. It’s going to be historic.
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