We’ve got a ‘Situation’ On Our Hands

Sometimes, a television show comes along that transcends the entertainment medium and, instead, provides gripping social commentary and a blueprint for how a functional, well-adjusted, human community should operate.

MTV’s Jersey Shore is that show.

For example, I had always been under the impression that life is a complex journey with many twists and turns, highs and lows and infinite possibilities that depend on the myriad of choices you make every day.

I was so wrong. Last night I learned that the only things that truly matter in life are the ability to tan (either the solar or fake variety), regularly get a haircut and do bicep curls until my arms resemble cured hams. Who knew life was so simple?

I also learned that having clothed intercourse on the dance floor, with someone who is not my significant other, doesn’t necessarily constitute cheating because it depends on the type of music playing over the sound system. “House” music appears to offer some sort of diplomatic immunity.

(Tigers Woods could have used this morsel of knowledge. “I know I slept with 14 women, Elin, but we were listening to House music the entire time. It doesn’t count.”)

You are only truly cool if you have a nickname. Bonus points if you give that nickname to yourself.

If I lift my shirt up at the bar, exposing my orange, hairless chest, women will flock to me like bees to honey.

Instead of saying you had sex with a girl, it is more gentlemanly to say that you “smushed” her.

Hair gel is my friend.

Fist-pumping is the only acceptable form of dance.

If you are a girl and have hair extensions, fake eyelashes, fake nails, a fake tan, fake boobs, abhor underwear and have a looseness in both your morals and your, uh, ‘downstairs’ area, then you are deemed a ‘slut’ and or a ‘skank’. If you are a girl and possess all of the above, but live in a house that is filmed by TV cameras, then you are a ‘cool chick.’

Philosophers like Voltaire, Descartes and Rousseau were ignorant compared to the genius of the one, the only, Mike “The Situation.”

I missed the first episode of Jersey Shore, but I believe the Situation refers to his impressively defined abs. But he also calls himself the Situation. So, I think he’s a Situation within a Situation. But he also gets involved in situations where the Situation plays a role in getting the Situation into the situation in the first place.

Make sense?

The Situation (the person) is one of the most fascinating personalities on television. He is so completely and utterly cocky and overconfident that it’s awe-inspiring to watch. However, he’s far from one dimensional.

This confident façade is just a complete overcompensation for rampant insecurity. The guy vacillates back and forth so quickly between cocky and pathetic; it would warrant an acting award was it not so painfully real.

Trying to pick up women is where this dichotomy comes out in full force. The Situation tries to play the suave, cool, “I don’t give a shit” asshole when talking to girls at bars. This is a fantastic game and it works beautifully in the right hands, but he’s too insecure to make it believable.

If the girl exhibits any trepidation in coming back to the house for a ‘Jacuzzi’, he immediately starts whining and begging the girl to go home with him. But in the next instant, he’ll tell the girl he doesn’t care what she does, it’s her loss to not experience the Situation (the person or the abs or the act of sex, I’m not quite sure).

He switches back and forth so quickly and convincingly between both characters, I’m convinced he has bipolar disorder.

All the Situation talks about is how skilled he is at picking up women. True, he’s brought a few girls back to the house, but I think that has more to do with cameras being present than the Situation’s flirting ability. He tries a little too hard to let us know that he’s a ladies man. Methinks he doth protest too much.

The surprise twist I’m betting on for the finale: The Situation will reveal that he enjoys male on male situations.

He made a fan for life when he described the bar scene using a military analogy. When he described he and his douchebag buddies as soldiers and ugly girls as grenades, I lost it. It was like reading Shakespeare for the first time.

Here was his exact quote: “Pauly D. was with the grenade. When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

(Also, there’s a Jersey Shore nickname generator. I dare you not to enter your name. Mine was “Hard Hat”)