Kudos to all my readers who posted questions; I was very impressed with the breadth and depth of the comments. This is how it’s going to work: the question will be posted in bold and my answer will follow in normal type.(Also, expect some format and layout changes coming to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog in the next week or so. They will make for a more enjoyable reading experience; the content will still be shit but you get what you pay for)
Q: The airwaves and print media were filled with opinions on the awarding of the Noble Peace Prize to Barack Obama during the past week - I thought your readers might enjoy a look at the serious side of Tewks. What is your opinion?
- Dwight
A: Allow my good friend Colonel Nathan R. Jessep to pinch hit for me on this one: My answer is I don’t have the first damn clue. Maybe the left wing nitwits on the Nobel committee wanted to suckle at the teat of the most powerful man in the world. And maybe the other nominees didn’t have the same media cache as Obama. I’m an educated man, but I’m afraid I can’t speak intelligently about the thought processes of a bunch of self-aggrandizing, pompous, Norwegian jerkoffs. What I do know is that the Peace Prize nominations were due only 12 days after Obama came to office.
Now are these the questions I was really called here to answer: Politics and Peace Prizes? Please tell me you have something more, readers. People depend on this blog for sports and pop culture humour. Please tell me their entertainment value isn’t pinned to the hopes of serious questions.
Q: Partial discrepancy among friends has arisen due to the Major League Baseball League Championship Series. Dodgers and Phillies, decent ballgame last night, but a slightly more imposing question was pondered during the game. Of the Cardinals lineup in the Division Series, what players would say were counted on for consistency, please elaborate towards players on Phillies and Dodgers as well, since the AL is a joke anyway.
-HeWhoLiftsHousesAndCrushesBrews
A: There are so many things wrong with this question I’m not sure where to begin. For future reference, when posting a question, please have a remedial grasp of grammar and command of the English language. Also, I know the true identity of this reader and I’ve seen him workout; the only way he’s ‘lifting houses’ is if Barbie’s Dream House is in the vicinity.
I’d love to take this question seriously and talk some baseball, but you referred to the American League as a joke. This tells me that any intelligent discourse I attempt to provide will be completely lost on you.
Cardinals – Pujols is the only guy in the lineup who would garner an invite to spring training with an American League team.
Phillies – Rollins, Victorino, Howard, Utley and Werth are absolute studs. That part of the lineup is like the Bermuda Triangle to pitchers: they get lost in there, never to return.
Dodgers – This postseason we learned that Manny can no longer hit an inside fastball going faster than 85 miles per hour. I guess Ethier is pretty dependable.
Q: Dilemma. So you go to a party, and get absolutely polluted; at this point you are talking to anything with legs, even the end table has something interesting to say. You end up speaking with a young harlot who wants nothing more than to sink her teeth into your meat; however, somehow in place deeply hidden in your brain, your conscience wakes up and tells you your buddy, nay, your roommate has hooked up with this girl. At this point in time, and level of poison in your bloodstream, you try and pick up scraps at said establishment, and because you are Tewks, you are successful in capturing a whale of a fish. Here's your dilemma. The Whale you just picked up is roommates with the first girl. You wake up and are walking down the hallway. What do you do? (This is a choose your own adventure)
- Sir Geoffrey Von Deuchenstein
A: Ok now we’re discussing some important issues. I can identify with a portion of this scenario; the ‘speaking with a young harlot who wants nothing more than to sink her teeth into your meat’ rings especially true. That happens to me at Wal-Mart all the time.
You said your buddy just hooked up with her? There was no relationship? Therefore there is no violation of the man code. However, if you hook up with the first girl, your buddy has complete authority to make ‘sloppy seconds’ comments to you for all eternity. But if you sleep with the whale, you can be teased mercilessly for sleeping with a whale.
You need to decide what option is the lesser of two evils. I’d go with the first girl, because when your buddy makes the sloppy seconds comments, just tell him she said you were better in bed and had a bigger package. Check and mate.
Q: What do we have to do to breed an elite athlete that actually cares about the world?When Derek Jeter endorses sprite, Manhattan in its entirety descends upon the nearest corner store in obedience of the man that tells them to obey their thirst. Yet we see a dearth of athletes, Canada’s beloved Steve Nash notwithstanding, who appear to give two monkey shits about the fact that the world that watches them chase a disk of rubber around a sheet of ice is, well, going to monkey shit.Sure, many athletes do knightly deeds and speak out about shortcomings in their sport or in the world at large after their retirement, but who cares about the ramblings of anyone removed from the game? One example of this would be Bill Romanowski, formerly the most terrifying man in the world, giving his two cents about the well-being of the (albeit marginally functional) brains rattling around in today's football helmets. Romanowski speaks from experience as possibly the most concussed person in the world and his advice should be valued, but his sphere of influence is a mere lesion on the oft-licked sack of today's top athletes. Those on top of their game are as quiet, reserved and clueless about what to do as Tewk's doctor might be upon seeing the results of his...well you know...tests. The reason they are that way is simple – why shit on the hand that wipes your ass?
- Thy Drunken Rookie
A: I had to shorten and edit this question due to space considerations; it was quite good (although it could benefit from slight revision stylistically) and I’d like to offer the person who wrote it an opportunity to write a full guest column exploring this issue as he is obviously very passionate about it.
I would love to construct an equally passionate, in-depth reply but I don’t need to because the answer is so simple. Michael Jordan answered this question best when he was asked why he didn’t use his influence to fight for social issues in the early 90s: “Because Republicans buy sneakers too.” There is no incentive for athletes to speak out in today’s culture because they risk alienating a portion of their consumer base.
You need to look internally Thy Drunken Rookie and picture what you would do in the same situation. Honestly, I think I would keep my mouth shut and enjoy my millions of dollars. Also, let’s be honest, do we really need athletes and celebrities (who aren’t the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree) giving their opinions on such hot button issues? I want to see Manny Ramirez hit dingers; not wax philosophically on the situation in Darfur.
Q: A British Study released this year entitled ‘Violence and delayed social independence among young adult British men’ concluded that young men aged 20-24 who stay at home with their parents are more violent than those who live independently. Since it is a known fact that you still live with your parents, what is your opinion on these findings? Any connection to your own behaviour?
- Rambo
A: Rambo posted a link to the article as well. It made me feel like I was back in school again researching a paper. It was horrible; now I have visions of confidence intervals and p-values swirling around in my head.
My opinion on these findings is they are not complete. The authors forgot to add a facial attractiveness category to their variables. I mean sure it makes sense for ugly kids to engage in unnecessary violence; no one will know the difference if they are scarred permanently in a fight.
But for someone possessing perfect facial symmetry like myself, I can’t risk getting punched in the face. That would be stupid. I specifically steer clear of violence for that reason (unless my opponent is smaller than me, under the age of 12 or a strict no face shots policy has been instituted).
As for delayed social independence that is completely true. I didn’t learn how to pump gas until I was 22 and to this day, I don’t know how to turn on an oven.
Q: As someone who knows both you and Gretzpo, I applaud you for the realism depicted in your book excerpt - Gretzpo sure is an asshole. I want your top five Seinfeld episodes, in order, with full justification. This might have to be its own column(s).
- CSzem
A: First off, yes Gretzpo sucks. Second, I cannot rank my top five Seinfeld episodes in order as that is like picking a favourite child. However, I can tell you the episodes I hate the most. In fact, I will change the channel if I see them on in syndication: anything with Kathy Griffin as Susan’s college roommate.
As one of the greatest Seinfeld fans in existence (and a Seinfeld trivia master) I don’t have to provide justification for choosing my favourite episodes. Any true Seinfeld fan will understand my choices without question. If you’re not a Seinfeld fan, I want you to stop reading immediately. Seriously. Just leave. Nobody wants you here.
Top 5 Episodes (with relevant quotes)
- The Boyfriend
“Who does this guy think he is?”
“I’m Keith Hernandez”
- The Contest
“It’s much easier for a woman not to do it than a man. We have to do it, it’s part of our lifestyle. It’s like shaving.”
“Oh that is such baloney. I shave my legs.”
“Not everyday.”
- The Visa
“So I’m pitching and really throwing some smoke. Joe Pepitone comes up and he’s crowding the plate.”
“Wow, Joe Pepitone.”
“Yeah well Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate. So I throw one inside, you know a little chin music; put him right on his can. Next pitch, he’s right back in the same spot. So I plunked him."
- The Outing
“I have many gay friends.”
“My father’s gay.”
“I know what I heard.”
“Do you want to have sex with me right now? Come on!! Let’s go baby!!”
- The Opposite
“I want the exact opposite of tuna on toast. I want chicken salad, on rye, untoasted, with a side of potato salad and a cup of tea.”
Bonus quote for Rambo: “Hi, my name’s George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”
Q: I think we need to get some serious juices flowing (that's what she said) as opposed to the comedy that you usually provide in your much anticipated - by some - columns. I don't have a direct question, because I want you to be at liberty with whatever you'd like to say. So, what is your take on the Christian religion? I don't care what denomination of Christianity, but I want to know how you feel about their convictions, about what the Bible advocates, and about how you feel it affects the judgements and lifestyles of the Christians and non-Christians in society. And please, answer seriously. We all know that you don't advocate abstaining from sex before marriage, but maybe you could delve a little deeper and really give us something to think about.
- Bella
A: I usually don’t like to discuss religion on here (besides my awesome God and Sports column), but you made an excellent ‘that’s what she said joke’ so here we go.
I have no problem with people who are religious; it’s fantastic to believe in something so strongly. Also, people who are devout just seem like happier people in general. I would like to think there’s something more to life; that a higher power is out there and responsible for creating the universe. To think that once you die, you’re dead and that’s it, is just too depressing.
I have a problem with those who fundamentally believe in the Bible and think that the words in there are direct from God. Umm, no. The Bible is a collection of stories made up by a bunch of dudes who couldn’t get laid hundreds of years ago.
Creation meet evolution. Game, set match.
Also, I don’t want to be a part of something that demonizes premarital sex and alcohol consumption. I like to think my God is happy for me when I hop on the good foot and do the bad thing; plus I don’t think he has a problem with the odd rye and ginger or twelve now and then.
Q: Do we have any female characters is this novel of yours or will be treated to locker room male interaction only?
- Anonymous
A: I know I said I wasn’t going post questions from anonymous sources, but this one is about my book. Are you referring to female characters who are not groupies? That is, women who are not included in the book purely for the sexual satisfaction of immature ballplayers?
The answer is a surprising yes. In fact, the main climax (Hi-yoooo!!!!!) of the novel revolves around the pursuit of lost and unrequited love. The main protagonist learns that there is perhaps more to life than just playing baseball for a living. True happiness requires more than just a glove and a ball (that would look great on a book jacket).
Q: iPhone or Blackberry? Mac or PC? MLB Umpires or instant replay? Facebook or Twitter? Winter or Summer Olympics?
- Patty
A: Short and to the point (much like sex with Gretzpo).
Blackberry: Fuck off Steve Jobs; I don’t need an app for that.
PC: Macs are for sensitive, thoughtful, emotional pansies who hated high school because they sucked at gym. PCs are for real men.
Umpires: Don’t take the human element out of the game. With instant replay, we would never be treated to something like this.
Facebook: Twitter is the most egotistical creation of all time. Oh you like ice cream and puppies? So does everyone else in the world. Shut up.
Summer Olympics: Women’s beach volleyball. ‘Nuff said.
Q: What was your most epic Halloween costume to date and why? Also, please rank your Halloween costumes of recent years based on how successful they were at getting you laid.
- Sally
A: My top costume hands down was Ron Burgundy in 2005 (pictured above). I looked exactly like him and stayed in character the entire night. I also won $300 for best costume at the Alehouse in Kingston.
Actually, I have never gotten laid on Halloween. I think it has to do with the fact I usually have a real mustache for the evening and who wants to have sex with someone with a mustache?
2003: Superman. Pretty boring.
2004: The Nature Boy Ric Flair. Girls had no idea who I was, but I was a big hit with the men. I had mini wrestling matches in the bar all night.
2005: Ron Burgundy. People were coming up to me wanting their picture taken with me. My closest experience to true celebrity.
2006: David Hasselhoff from Baywatch. I was in decent shape but didn’t have my Crossfit body back then. Also, I coerced two ladies to go as my Baywatch babes.
2007: Coach Hines from Mad TV. Mustache and short shorts; need I say more?
2008: Wooderson from Dazed and Confused. I even pretended I was attracted to high school girls for the night.
2009: ???
Q: Knowing you have a slight obsession with your physique and also with trying to get laid, I ask this dilly of a pickle: if you had to choose between being morbidly obese or never having sex again, which would you choose and why?
- Mrs. Crash Davis
A: This is quite the conundrum. I can never have sex again, but what about the other bases? I think I could be satisfied with a copious amount of extra base hits. Also, if I’m morbidly obese, there’s a pretty good chance I’m not having sex anyway; I might as well be as healthy as possible.
On the other hand, I might pick morbidly obese. That way I could go on the Biggest Loser, get in shape, be famous and still get to have sex.
Yes that’s my decision: morbidly obese but with the stipulation I get to go on the Biggest Loser (if my career doesn’t work out the conventional way, I’m going to seriously consider this option; or maybe porn).
Q: Are you sure you're not gay?
- Caitlin
A: You mean besides the time I had sex with that guy? Yes, despite all evidence to the contrary, I am fairly certain I prefer the company of women.
I think.
Tewks is frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.
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