Talkin' with Tewks: I Love Playoff Baseball

Well Brett Favre really shoved it up my ass with that performance on Monday night; three touchdown passes, zero picks and a victory over his former team to lead the Vikings to a 4-0 start.

Papa Tewks was positively giddy during the entire game. I seriously think he would marry Brett Favre if bigamy were socially acceptable. He’s not alone in his devotion; any middle-aged man loves Brett Favre for what he represents: a gigantic middle finger to the ravages of Father Time. Favre shows that he is still capable of hanging with twenty-something punks like me in athletic pursuits. Old guys are drawn to that, even though the only athletic endeavour Papa Tewks embarks on these days is an 8 metre sprint from the couch to the fridge for another beer.

Enough about Favre. It’s time to talk about my favourite time of the year: postseason baseball.
Instead of a typical column, I wanted to try something different and preview the division series’ and give my predictions for the rest of the playoffs. Some of you may be thinking well Tewks, the playoffs have already started; shouldn’t you have made these predictions a week ago?

Sure, most baseball prognosticators look deep into the numbers and try to find meaning in a plethora of statistics; they talk to scouts and people “in the know” to get a read on the mood in each clubhouse. Then, taking all these variables into account, they attempt to predict the winner of each series well in advance of the first pitch of Game 1.

To me this is just stupid. I like my approach much better. Sit in my underwear and do nothing. Prank call Gretzpo at work. Watch Maury Povich paternity test episodes. Wait until two games have already been played in each series and then pick a winner.

Some may say this undermines what little journalistic integrity I have remaining, but if you’re visiting Gretzpo’s Sports Blog searching for good journalism then that’s your own fault for being an idiot.

I’ll take a look at the National League first because it’s the ugly stepsister of Major League Baseball. It’s full of crappy players who couldn’t hack it in the AL. There is no chance the winner of the World Series will come from the senior circuit, so I’ll gloss over these rather quickly.

Dodgers vs. Cardinals

What have we learned from this series? Albert Pujols makes Joe Torre poop his pant and without Pujol’s bat, the Cardinals offence is toothless. Also, Matt Holliday can’t catch a flyball.

With a 2-0 series lead, Los Angeles only has to win one game out of three and they’ve already beaten St. Louis’ two best pitchers.

The Pick: Dodgers (see it’s so much easier this way)

Rockies vs. Phillies

Series is tied 1-1. Cliff Lee is a stud. I have never heard of anyone on the Rockie’s pitching staff. Ordinarily, I would side with the defending champions but Cole Hamels has angered the baseball Gods with his actions in last night’s game. He actually left the game early because his wife (former Survivor contestant Heidi something—she was the one who got naked for peanut butter a few seasons back) went into labour with their first child.

Plus, he was planning on staying behind in Philadelphia while his teammates travelled to Colorado for Games 3 and 4. Now I understand the birth of a child is a joyous occasion, but playoffs start at the same time every year. Cole, next time you’re giving the wife the Hamels Express, maybe count ahead nine months and see if it interferes with your pursuit of a championship. And remember: Coitus interruptus is your friend.

The Pick: Rockies

Yankees vs. Twins

All is well in the universe as the Yankees are back in the playoffs after a one year hiatus. New York possesses an offensive juggernaut and can outslug any of the remaining seven teams. Plus I think their middle infield makes more money than the entire Twins roster combined. All signs point towards a Yankee steamroll of Minnesota.

However, the formula for success has always been: pitching + defense = championships

I do not trust the Yankees starting rotation at all (besides Andy Pettitte who is a playoff warrior). They are depending on CC Sabbathia (who, before his Game 1 victory, had been terrible in his previous playoff experience), AJ Burnett (the Marlins won the titles in 2003 when he was injured) and Joba Chamberlain (he sucks).

I like the Twins because they have a little magic on their side. Their relentless pursuit of Detroit in the final fortnight of the season was spectacular. Minnesota had tremendous momentum coming into the first round but I think they are a tad hungover from Tuesday’s one game playoff.

The X factor in this series will be perennial playoff chump Alex Rodriguez. Since he started dating Kate Hudson, he has the mojo going and with two hits and two RBIs in Game 1, he is poised for the breakout postseason New York has been banking on since they acquired him.

The Pick: Yankees

Red Sox vs. Angels

History tells me that this series should be a three game cakewalk for Beantown. This will be the fourth time in the last five years that these teams have squared off in the playoffs. The Red Sox have won 12 of their last 13 postseason games against the Angels and most pundits believed that trend will continue.

However, there is one glaring reason why this line of thinking is fraudulent: Anaheim whitewashed Boston 5-0 last night (I told you my procrastination would make me look like a genius).

I like the Angels in this series because of how their offence matches up against the Red Sox pitching (which is extremely thin). Los Angeles had all nine of their regulars hit better than .290 this year. That is a telling statistic; there are no weaknesses in their batting order. Plus these are not the small ball Angels of yore; they can mash dingers better than any AL team besides the Yankees.

Why do I think the Red Sox have a questionable staff? Josh Beckett, their de facto ace, is one of the top big game pitchers in baseball. The fact he wasn’t starting Game 1 tells me he is not healthy enough to start two games in this series. When Beckett’s on, he’s lights out. When he’s not 100%, he gets lit up. Beckett may need to add whiplash to his list of maladies once the Angels get a chance to tee off on his subpar stuff.

More evidence of Boston’s thin pitching? Their Game 3 starter, Clay Buchholz’s claim to fame is that he was once arrested for stealing computers from a middle school (I shit you not; look it up). And he looks like a rodent.

The Pick: Angels

World Series: Yankees vs. Dodgers

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.