Talkin' with Tewks: Bettman Determined to Block Balsillie's Bid to 'Make it Seven'

Can we all just take a moment to marvel at the genius of today’s column title? I usually bring the goods when it comes to cleverness and wit, but my use of alliteration and the incorporation of Jim Balsillie’s ad campaign to bring a seventh NHL team to Canada is nothing short of spectacular.

Unfortunately it took me 45 minutes to come up with said title, so there’s a very good chance the rest of the column will be incoherent drivel.

“Well maybe some parts.”
“Which parts?”
“The, uh, drivel parts.”

(Bonus points to any reader who knows what I’m referring to; post guesses to comments)

Much like Team Canada’s orientation camp, another hockey story is dominating the end of summer airwaves and forcing me to wait in vain for my baseball highlights. Mercifully the orientation camp was over in 5 days, but the bankruptcy and possible relocation of the Phoenix Coyotes has dragged on and on since the beginning of May.

I was sick of this story back then and I continue to not care about the plight of multimillionaires and what they can and cannot do with their money.

Once again I am going to blame the media for the incessant coverage of this, truthfully, boring courtroom drama. I can do this because I don’t consider myself to be a member of said media since I don’t do any actual reporting and I don’t have any sources (except for Papa Tewks; he has to explain terms like ‘hung jury’ to me. Surprisingly it does not mean that certain court members are well-endowed).

The media coverage is, to put it simply, the equivalent of flogging a dead horse. Reporters just try to think up new ways to say the same thing over and over again. Everything that is written and said about the impending sale of the Coyotes can be boiled down to a singular issue.

Jim Balsillie wants to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to Hamilton. The NHL believes his conduct in attempting to make said deal is unprofessional and a direct affront to what the NHL deems ‘good business practice’.

Speaking of flogging a dead horse, has anyone seen TSN’s coverage of this story? Every time they report on a new aspect of the trial, they use the same 15 seconds of Balsillie stock footage.

I’m not even watching it right now and I can describe it to you frame by frame. Balsillie, clad in a tuxedo, enters what looks to be a hotel ballroom or convention centre with his wife, who is sporting the Kate Gosselin haircut (from Jon and Kate Plus 8 for those not in the know), a black dress and a pink shawl thing (I think it might be called a pashmina).

Jim walks well ahead of his wife, shakes a couple of hands and then it cuts to a side shot of Balsillie at a microphone stand addressing the media.

I have literally watched this same sequence over 100 times this summer; I’m starting to have psychopathic thoughts after each viewing.

How lazy is the Sportscentre video team? Come on fellas, let’s mix it up a little. There must be some footage of Balsillie walking into the courtroom or watching a sporting event? I know Jimmy has season tix for the Leafs. Christ, I’d settle for a shot of Balsillie taking a dump at this point.

I do like how Balsillie has stayed out the limelight during the court case and let his legal team address the media. This must be a calculated decision. I have no doubt that Balsillie is an extremely smart man and has done great things with RIM, but he is absolutely terrible in front of the cameras. Ron Mclean interviewed him on Hockey Night in Canada last year and Balsillie was an absolute trainwreck.

No discernable personality, inarticulate and completely devoid of any charm or charisma. Other than that, he did a great job.

The head honchos at the NHL haven’t fared much better during this ordeal. They’ve come across as petulant children, unwilling to play ball with Balsillie because he’s not following their rules.

Here’s what I don’t understand: Balsillie has offered over $70 million more than what the Coyotes are worth to move them to Hamilton and the NHL brain trust and the team owners have steadfastly refused the offer.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t that monetary surplus go straight into the pockets of the owners, divided up equally? That’s an extra 2 million bucks and change per team just for giving Balsillie their blessing. Why are they voting against this? It does not make sense to me at all.

Let’s pretend this is a sandlot baseball game. Jim Balsillie, the new kid on the block, wants to join the neighbourhood game. Instead of proving himself on the field, he automatically wants to bat cleanup and be the starting pitcher. The neighbourhood kids, the NHL, are against the cocky new kid coming in and taking over their game. The new kid offers to bring brand new equipment and uniforms for every player provided he bats cleanup and gets to pitch.

For some insane reason, the neighbourhood kids are wholeheartedly against letting the new guy and would prefer to continue playing their pickup games with shoddy equipment and sweatpants and T-shirts as uniforms.

Would this decision ever take place in real life? Of course not. If I was one of the neighbourhood kids, I’d let the little shit play. Who cares if he’s a huge douche. I just got a free uniform and a brand new glove and spikes. Plus, I’d probably dust the new kid in the ribs when it was his turn to bat.

So how can the NHL say thanks but no thanks to Balsillie’s $212 million offer? There are rumours that a move to Hamilton will draw the ire and a hefty lawsuit from the MLSE. I don’t buy this angle; have you seen how the Leafs have been run over the past 15 years? I wouldn’t trust the MLSE executive board to make a dinner reservation let alone bring a lawsuit against the NHL.

If this situation isn’t resolved by the time baseball playoffs start, I will not be held accountable for my actions.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.