Talkin' With Tewks: Playoffs? We're talking about PLAYOFFS?

Let me be perfectly honest: I am no longer a fan of the game of hockey. My interest in the game waned drastically once I ended my playing days way back in 2003. The lockout of 2004 further reduced my once tremendous passion for the sport.

As I mentioned in a previous column I played some puck in my day to critical acclaim. But I was always a terrible playoff performer. It’s not that I didn’t have heart (which I don’t), but I was usually got bored of hockey by the time playoffs rolled around.

Who cares about hockey in the spring? The weather’s turning nice, baseball season has just started and ladies decide to take the twins for a walk in spaghetti strap T-shirts. I mean, why would I want to spend my March and April showering up after games with a bunch of dudes in a drafty arena (that might be a conversation for my therapist)?

My hockey career actually ended in a suit and tie. I was playing my usual brand of ‘let’s see if I can go the whole game without breaking a sweat’ hockey when I absolutely crushed some kid from behind into the boards. I mean really established my presence with authority. I think he might have died.

Anyways, I got suspended and spent my last game in the stands with a hotdog in one hand and mustard running down the front of my dress shirt.

Ergo, I really have no business espousing my views on the NHL playoffs. Which is exactly what I plan on doing.

Quick tangent: I actually have made a return to the game in the past week. I have a callback audition for a hockey commercial on Monday; basically I will be playing shinny with Olympian Hayley Wickenheiser. This will be a great opportunity for me to see if women are actually able to play the game (I am not convinced). Plus, Wickenheiser better keep her head up. If I catch her in the trolley tracks, I will make Scott Stevens’ hit on Eric Lindros look like a cat scratch.

I have not watched more than five minutes of hockey all year, but there’s something about playoff hockey that I find irresistible (as long as I’m not playing). And since I haven’t followed all year, I am not burnt out on the game and I am completely enthralled by the dramatic theatre hockey playoffs provide.

Of the four major sports, the postseason in hockey is by far the most physically and mentally demanding. In the NFL, you play once a week. Big Fucking Deal. In the MLB playoffs, most players just try not to freeze their balls off and figure out which groupie in the stands won’t give them herpies.

The NBA is a little more taxing but there’s reason why basketball players can be on the court for 10-12 minutes at a time while the average NHL shift is 45 seconds long.

Here are my top 7 reasons why I love the NHL playoffs:

1. The hitting. Most regular season games are glorified shinny. Playoffs are where you separate the men from the girls.

2. Players with skill and creativity take a backseat to players made of grit, sandpaper and who eat rebar for breakfast.

3. Playoff beards. There’s nothing like a playoff beard to let people know you have cojones the size of grapefruits and a 12 inch hammer swinging past your knees.

4. Players would rather cut off a limb than be scratched for a game with minor injuries like broken bones, torn ligaments or concussions.

5. The opportunity to hear a Don Cherry xenophobic rant more than once a week.

6. Grown men crying for finally realizing their lifelong dream of winning a Stanley Cup.

7. Handshakes between two teams of warriors who spent the last two weeks beating the shit out of each other but still have the respect to look each other in the eye and say ‘Good Game’ at the end of a series.

Let’s go Habs!!

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.