Talkin' With Tewks: Ya Wanna Go?

The topic of fighting in hockey has been discussed ad nauseum over the past couple weeks and I’ve decided to join the party fashionably late.

But Tewks, you ask, since when do you write about serious subjects? Sure, my normal journalistic fare revolves around which male celebrities I have crushes on and my feeble attempts to get laid by anything with two X chromosomes, but it’s time to tackle a topic with depth.

However, I will still base my argument on poorly developed thoughts with little regard for insignificant details like statistics, evidence, research and coherence.

Where do I stand on the issue? While fighting does have a place in the game, I am firmly entrenched in the camp that believes the number and types of fights should be decreased.

Full disclosure: I played some puck in my day to varying degrees of success. While I did get cut from the same team 8 years in a row, when I finally made that team I was a solid second line player who could be counted on to score 20 goals a year; 18 of which would be scored in the first month of the season (I always liked to establish my presence with authority and then coast until playoffs).

Also, I was never a fighter. With superior facial features like mine, it would have been a huge gamble to risk serious disfigurement to my chiseled visage. And let’s be honest, if you take away my looks, I really don’t have much going for me. Intelligence? Questionable. Personality? Meh. Wealth? Nope. Sexual Prowess? Dozens of unsatisfied women can’t be wrong.

So you can see why I was somewhat reticent to chuck knuckles.

I have no problem with fights that are catalyzed by passionate play on the ice. Hockey is a very physical game and the odd donnybrook can ratchet up the intensity in a sluggish regular season game in January and provide a jolt to the teams of both combatants.

I DO have a problem with staged fights between two 6’5 240lb Mouth breathers who possess no discernible skills other than being able to bash their knuckle-dragging fists into human skulls in exchange for 37 seconds of nightly ice time. These fights serve no purpose other than to glorify these talentless Neanderthals who, instead of playing in the NHL, should be working as bouncers at some dive bar in Bobcaygeon.

It’s this proliferation of one-dimensional “enforcers” that is the real problem with fighting. These guys are so big and strong, and spend all of their time working on their pugilistic skills rather than, you know, things like stickhandling and skating backwards.

So, not only are these guys basically training to be fighters, they are throwing heavyweight caliber punches with their bare hands. At this rate, the incidence of skull fractures and serious concussions will soon become a monthly occurrence.

Old school pundits like Don Cherry like to wax poetic about the olden days and how “no one ever gets hurt in fights.” Well Donny, 40 years ago guys like Gordie Howe and Bobby Orr would fight their own battles; punches thrown by 5’10” 170lb guys with no formal fight training are a little bit different than those thrown by today’s behemoths.

And don’t get me started on the exultations of His Royal Donness either. When I was younger, it was easy to watch Cherry on Coach’s Corner with a look of bemusement; it was like listening to the harmless musings of a bigoted grandfather. It was entertaining and no one really took his xenophobic rants seriously.

I’m afraid Don is rapidly spiraling into senility as his weekly sermons are becoming increasingly unintelligible.

Here’s a sample transcript of one of his rants:

Don: “Let me tell you somethin’ right now ok? . . . All you kids out there . . . Are we gonna roll the thing? . . . This guy, great Canadian boy from Moose Jaw . . . Look at that, what a beauty!!

Ron: What do we--?

Don: Don’t interrupt me . . . Now you kids pay attention . . . I used to tell my guys the same thing . . . no hotdogging . . . It’s not the Canadian way!!!! . . . This guy here, he’s a Russian . . . What’s his name? Ho-varch-keen.

Ron: Ovechkin.

Don: That’s what I said . . . Ho-varch-keen . . . Anyways, this guy scores a goal here . . . waving his arms around . . . Did I mention he’s not Canadian? . . . Kids, DON’T DO THAT!!! . . . That’s enough about that . . .Ok let’s go

Ron: Next we have----

Don: Oh that’s right . . . watch this guy . . . .great guy . . . Bawango . . . Two Canadian boys going at it . . . No one got hurt, no one got hurt . . . Look at that . . . couple beauties right there . . . Last thing I want to say is Bobby Orr Bobby Orr Bobby Orr Bobby Orr Bobby Orr Kingston Kingston Kingston Kingston Kingston Doug Gilmour Doug Gilmour Doug Gilmour Doug Gilmour Doug Gilmour I coached the Bruins I coached the Bruins I coached the Bruins Kingston Bobby Orr.

In sum:

1. One-game suspensions for premeditated fights where the guys dance around for 30 seconds juking and jiving
2. Instigator penalty for any player who jumps an opponent for making a clean hit on his teammate

There you go. NHL general managers need months of discussion and special advisory committees to solve the fighting issue; your man Tewks did it in less than 1000 words.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.