Extrava-manza

Seeking a refuge from the monotony of my daily life, I have just returned from an 11 day road trip travelling from London, Ontario to Tampa, Florida, with a brief stopover in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. Here are my observations:

1) Twenty Two hours (each way) is a long time to spend in a car - stopping only for gas, chex mix and energy drinks

I'm positive that during a stretch of highway in West Virginia at 3am my buddy Ron (driving) and I (navigating) both fell asleep at our posts: but we managed to avoid catastrophe because we'd fall asleep in alternating 5 second intervals:

Ron (as he's falling asleep): ... am I asleep?

(I wake up)

"No. You're fine. You're fine, right?"

(Ron wakes up)

Ron: Yeah. I'm good.

This happened for at least 10 minutes. But the resulting nap enabled us to drive for another three hours accident free. So only a fool would say we were endangering our lives and the lives of other motorists.

2) Golf is fun to watch live

Sure: I was drunk while I was watching it, which makes everything more enjoyable - except for sex, as many of my unsatisfied partners will tell you - but golf is a great sport to watch live.

3) There is no such thing as free beer

For an extra $25 at the PGA Tournament we were at you could sit in what is called the "Hooters Owls Nest": which includes about a half dozen wings, a Hooters visor and all you can drink beer. Yes... it's just as amazing as it sounds. But these Hooters girls walk around raking in tips hand over fist - a lot of guys would tip anywhere from $2 to $5 for each of their FREE beers. I probably drank 35 beers over two days while in the Hooters Nest: and I tipped $5 for both of the days. It's amazing how bright and bubbly they are the first couple times you come around: then when they realize you're cheap and Canadian the service isn't exactly so friendly. Oh yeah sweetheart? You're going to be begging me for that $5 when your looks have faded and you're giving out handies in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

4) Americans get a bad rep

We went through an obscene number of states during our travels - I'd estimate at least 15. Even though there were certainly some "American" moments - such as the cashier at Arby's thinking that Canada and the US had a unified currency - everyone was extremely polite and friendly: much more friendly than those you'd find on the streets of Toronto. Granted, the majority of the time we were in Florida where the weather was 85 degrees without a cloud in the sky - so really, what could anyone be grouchy about? But I still wanted to make the point that Americans are courteous, friendly people.

Oh ... there was also the nice chap in Savannah, Georgia with the dew rag and low jeans giving the gas station cashier intricate details about how he was going to "pop a cap in the ass" of one of his fellow colleagues. I'm sure he meant to say how he was going to pop a cap on his head featuring the logo of one of Atlanta's popular sports teams. Either way, since I wasn't looking too intimidating in my "Meatloaf: Bat Out of Hell" commemorative concert t-shirt, I didn't stick around to witness the outcome.

5) The quotient of (attractive American girls/attractive American guys) is very numerator heavy

Countless times during my travels I would notice an extremely attractive woman with an ordinary looking guy. But this is not a slight of my American brethren: treat this observation as praise. Clearly you have all banded together and decided that you will not be in competition for women: instead, you're just letting them work around your habits and routines. It's ironic that the great American Capitalism attitude does not apply to wooing the fairer sex: whereas in Canada I would knife Tewks in the back for even the remotest chance of cupping a woman's breast.

6) I'm getting old

Life was sweet when I was a 19 year old at the bar who looked 25 - girls probably thought that I was some sort of mature student who had to delay his education by a few years in order to support his starving family. Now I'm a 25 year old who looks 31 and the situation is reversed - girls probably think that I'm a divorced father of two who funds his partying by welching on the child support he owes ... to his starving family.