25 Years: A Retrospective

I have no explanation for my hiatus from contributing to this blog: before I would write on this blog when I was either dating a girl or when I was having semi-regular sex. But I don't see that happening until at least the next Olympics... the next summer Olympics.

On a happier note, Gretzpo is celebrating a birthday this weekend. So what have been some of the highlights thus far?

After my best friend was killed in a tragic smelting accident I decided to follow my dream and try out for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football team. I learned life lessons and got my education, but after not being able to crack the roster for four years I quit the team. However, at the insistence of my black mentor, I rejoined the team for the final day of practice, and after a tear jerking display of sacrifice by my teammates, got to run out of the tunnel and play in a game.

After college I logged two jobs: by day I was a collector for a loan shark and by night I was a boxer. Then, to celebrate the American bicentennial I was given the opportunity of a lifetime: a chance to fight the heavyweight championship of the world, Apollo Creed. On the eve of the fight I walked around all night and came to the conclusion that I couldn't win. All I could do was go the distance - no one had ever gone the distance with Creed. In the end, although I didn't win the title, I found true love and self-respect. It was okay though... because I would later win the title.

After my reign as heavyweight champion I retired to Iowa and started farming corn. One day while in the fields I heard a voice tell me, "if you build it, they will come." Because of our rocky relationship growing up, I interpreted this as my opportunity to build a baseball field for one last opportunity to play catch with my father. Which is exactly what happened. In hindsight, I should have built some sort of brothel, as I was married to an extremely unattractive redhead at the time ... with a dick brother who nearly killed my daughter... but I digress...

Having healed all familial wounds and mastered sports at both the collegiate and professional levels, I finally had a chance to do what I always wanted: retreat into the Burmese jungle and become a snake catcher. My reclusion was short lived, though, as I was forced into helping a group of travelling missionaries through the use of extreme and graphic violence. I killed over 300 men by myself and ripped out a guy's throat: it was quite the afternoon.

By now even our most slow-witted readers have determined that I am attempting to pass off several plot lines from classic movies as my life... here are three observations that, sadly, pertain to my life after 25 years:

1) I think I may be getting worse at sex. When I was younger and finished early I thought it was just my inexperience ... I was quick: like Michael Johnson running the 4oo metres. So how is it my sexual stamina now is better compared to Usain Bolt? Isn't that the opposite supposed to happen? Shouldn't I be like a Kenyan marathon runner by now?

2) I'm getting better and better looking with each passing year. I owe it all to Crossfit and Starting Strength.

3) Good friends are hard to come by. I was once in a situation where I had the chance to take a girl back to my room while I was on vacation. However, the buddy I was vacationing with also had the opportunity to take back a woman to the room. A good friend would have let his undersexed buddy have the room. Instead, we put the room to a game of chance in which I was defeated. I'm still angry about it to this day.

I think it may be time to revoke Tewks' writing privileges.