Everything Wrong With Society in One Ad Campaign

As a marketing ploy, Burger King took the Whopper out of one of their locations to see people's reactions ... of course, what we get instead is a microcosm of what happens when a big, juicy, fat sample of society is deprived one of their gluttonous pleasures:

Victim #1: Malnourished Post-Pubescent Teen

Some runty 90 pound, 18 year old punk in a t-shirt several sizes too small exclaims he's "pretty heated right now" when he can't get a Whopper. From the looks of his hair, clothes, and general disposition, he's also "pretty heated" about growing up in suburbia with wealthy parents and a college fund.

Tangent: Clearly the suburbs are the only place BK could get away with pulling a stunt like this ... can you imagine if they tried to pull this off in da 'hood on some 400lb guy nicknamed "Tiny" that was packing heat? The resulting slaughter would be a public relations nightmare.

Victim #2 and #3: Old Reminiscent Couple

"I used to drive down from Connecticut ... past state lines ... just so I could get a Whopper".

I mean... really... it's a fucking hamburger. The only time I ever drive any more than 15 minutes out of my way to sink my teeth into something is if she's going to sink her teeth in back.

Victim #4: Spoiled Soccer Mom in SUV

"I want to see your manager when I get up to the window"

What's a matter sweetheart: not getting enough of the special sauce at home?

Victim #5: Fat, Mulleted Redneck Republican

What happens when an uneducated, fat guy asks for a Whopper and instead gets a burger from Wendy's? A series of grunts, intimidating glances and finger points ... since this is the way fat people communicate when they're hungry.

Victim #6 and #7: Beavis and Butthead Stoners

"Why even call it Burger King now? They should call it Burger Queen!"
"hehehehehheheheheheh"

So there you have it: degenerate teenagers, out of touch geriatrics, desperate housewives, the obese and the tripped out. These are 5 of the 6 segments of society ... the 6th is those who Crossfit. It would be highly unlikely Crossfitters would eat at a Burger King any more than once a year ... but rest assured they would act in one of two ways:

1) Politely change their order ... knowing that to scream at someone making $5.75 an hour is not an honorable thing to do.

2) Do a plyometric jump over the counter, take out the staff with a series of crane kicks and make the Whopper themselves.

Tewks has recently commented on my lack of posts: I've actually been writing paralelling columns for about two weeks now: one of them is entitled "The Jays Season is Over" ... the other "The Jays Still Have a Chance at the Playoffs".

Who are we kidding? The Jays season is over.