American Gladiators: Man Journal

In these times of rehashing everything that was once popular, it’s refreshing that one of my favorite programs growing up, American Gladiators, has finally been revamped and updated. Of course, nothing says modernization like using a washed up 80’s wrestling star to host - give me an old pro like Mike Adamle - but nevertheless, it’ll be good to see ‘roided up juice monkeys beat down on regular joes after a 15 year hiatus.

Although other popular sports blogs have popularized the term "running diary", I’ve been told by society that only chicks keep diaries: real men record their daily thoughts in journals. So, this man journal contains the conversation myself and Tewks had during the 2 Hour Premiere of American Gladiators:

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:00 - Ok, here we go. I don't know about you Gretzpo, but I am positively rigid with anticipation.

Gretzpo says:
9:00 - I too am rigid ... wow... looks like they scoured the 4 corners of the earth for an ethnically diverse / stereotype ridden group of gladiators

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:01 - What's the over/under on the number of lesbian female gladiators?

Gretzpo says:
9:02 - I'll tell you once I know how many there are ... remember on the old show? The deaf femlae gladiator? She proved that even those with handicaps can still roid up and beat the hell out of average people

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:03 - I think that was Marlee Matlin's cousin. I miss Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka right now. That intro was brutal.

Gretzpo says:
9:03 - Titan looks gay... Justice looks like he just got out of prison... Hellga ... that's a lot of woman. We'll wait until we see them writhing and sweaty... but some of these female gladiators look pretty hot

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:05 - I'd like to deposit my ball into some of these girls pods.

Gretzpo says:
9:05 - Wow... I was typing that as well... Hulk Hogan can't interview anyone... where's Mean Gene Okurland when you need him?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9: 06 - AA I believe. I like Powerball. Venom; nothing wrong with that.

Gretzpo says:
9:07 - We have our first casualty... it goes to show what kind of shape America's in when they can't last 2 minutes in a game of powerball without getting injured. Although, the real highlight for me in that segment was when the announcer said "Justice Gave Him a Facial": sounded like a John Grisham novel.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:08 - Out in the first event? Way to make your children proud Jessi.

Gretzpo says:
9:09 - First commercial break... one female contender I've already forgotten the name of leads the maimed female contender

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:09 - We could just call them white and black? Is that racist?

Gretzpo says:
9:09 - Is that an aside? Or did you want our faithful readers to see that?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:10 - I don't think he'll care.

Gretzpo says:
9:10 - If you take the names of the Gladiator events and put "Sex" / "Sexual" in front of it... you get yourself a humurous situation ... until you get to "Sexual Assault"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:11 - Chad "The Skater" looks like he wants to ball someone.

Gretzpo says:
9:11 - I don't care much for the skater culture... I hope he tears an ACL

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:13 - I think Wolf is first up for "Sexual Assault."

Gretzpo says:
9:14 - The female version of Gladiators is so far inferior. Why do they even have women compte?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:15 - For the opportunity to see some boobs? Who is this narrator? He makes Ron Mclean's puns look hilarious.

Gretzpo says:
9:16 - "Sexual Joust" ... sounds like a gay movie

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:17 - Oh god. Ok Venus, we get it. You're an immigrant; found the American dream, blah blah blah

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:18 - Dear God Crush is gorgeous.

Gretzpo says:
9:17 - I'll joust with Crush... wow... I'd like to put my pugil stick into her hot spot

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:18 - Easy big fella.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:23 - The women are boring. I would have liked to see some appearances by some of the greats of the show: Nitro, Laser, Wesley "Two Scoops" Barry....

Gretzpo says:
9:23 - Agreed... not enough of an homage to old school... I don't like all the respect the contenders give to the gladiators

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:25 - I like the addition of a pool. Better than those crash pads.

Gretzpo says:
9:25 - Chad... nice little jab at Wolf... uh-oh... "Gotta Move!"... I like this addition of Gladiators pandering to the crowd though... makes me hate them even more

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:26 - I think Chad wants Wolf to do more than just "lay on him."

Gretzpo says:
9:27 - "Sexual Earthquake"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:27 - I like these mythological nicknames. Although 90% of the audience doesn't get it.

Gretzpo says:
9:28 - I like the addition of lean, fit female gladiators... rather than women that could bench press 400 pounds

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:29 - We haven't seen Hellga yet. I think her event is the "Buffet."

Gretzpo says:
9:32 - "Sexual Hit and Run"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:33 - With a special appearance by Gladiator Rob Ramage.

Gretzpo says:
9:33 - Wow... bravo. What do you think of these new events?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:34 - This one is too easy. Just stay low and you can't get hit.

Gretzpo says:
9: 35 - I'm hoping they've kept breakthrough and conquer

Gretzpo says:
9:35 - You know... let's just rip off football and wrestling in the same event

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:36 - I hope its still here too. Just use some good old fashioned man muscle.

Gretzpo says:
9:37 - "Sexual Pyramid" ... I actually lost some savings in a sexual pyramid scheme once

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:38 - A hooker in Reno who stole your wallet doesn't constitute a sexual pyramid scheme.

Gretzpo says:
9:38 - "Venom" and "Crush" are the Gladiators... I gotta say... good ratio of hot Gladiators so far

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:39 - I think I just saw a muff dive.

Gretzpo says:
9:45 - We're back... the firefighter beat the tattooed skateboarder in this event... this truly is a microcosm of American society: the hero and the malcontent

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:47 - Ok we need to get rid of the banter between events; I'm losing my semi.

Gretzpo says:
9:49 - This Eliminator is good... new course... swimming under fire... not bad

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:49 - To borrow a line from Dodgeball watching these women work through the Eliminator is like watching a couple of retards trying to hump a doorknob.

Gretzpo says:
9:50 - Okay... wow... that was strangely compelling tv... have someone with a 45 second lead blow it because she couldn't run up a treadmill... she didn't even touch the incline button during her home training

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:51 - Is the black girl still clinging to the treadmill? Can someone help her?

Gretzpo says:
9:52 - I love how everyone brags about "finishing"... I would've just given up

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:53 - As my many ladies can attest, Tewks always finishes what he starts.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:56 - Laila Ali. Penis or no penis? I think it's a wash.

Gretzpo says:
9:56 - 16 second head start? I'd be finished by then... so to speak... you know... with the obstacle course

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:57 - Of course. I would never impugn your sexual stamina. I'm 90% sure the referee is the same guy from Dodgeball.

Gretzpo says:
9:59 - I researched... he was a former AL umpire

Gretzpo says:
9:59 - Maybe he retired because Robbie Alomar spit on him

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:59 - A 100 grand for 12 minutes of work? Not too shabby.

Gretzpo says:
10:00 - It's a competition, not a brothel... that's only for the grand champion ...

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
10:00 - Final thoughts: I'm sticking with this, just for the opportunity to see Venom and Crush dyke it out. I hate Wolf; where's a silver bullet when you need one.

Gretzpo says:
10:00 - As am I... a quality show... Gretzpo's Sports Blog endorses American Gladiators