State of the Leafs Address

(BOD - Teresa Palmer)

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve discussed the plight of the 2010-2011 Toronto Maple Leafs and, with the team not playing terrible over the past two weeks, I feel it is my duty to impart some reality to the blissfully ignorant members of Blue and White nation who foolishly believe this fortnight of spirited play is going to lead to a playoff berth.


While I have to admit that I’ve been impressed by the stellar play of goaltender James Reimer—a man the team turned to solely because of injuries—and the apparent re-emergence of Phil Kessel from the Witness Protection Program, it’s all a smokescreen for a team playing over their heads for the past 11 games. A fall back to Earth is inevitable.

I love how members of the Toronto media and innumerable fans are all clinging to the maxim of “We’re only six points out of a playoff spot” believing that, if they say it enough, they’ll be able to return home to Kansas by clicking their ruby red slippers.

Yes, six points seem like an attainable mountain to climb IF there was only one team in front of the Leafs for the final playoff spot. However, there are currently three teams between Toronto and the postseason which makes the task three times as difficult. And, let’s be honest, has this team shown anything to make you think they have the gumption and fortitude to make this happen?

Not in these eyes.

For that matter, whatever happened to Brian Burke’s plan to turn this team around into a Stanley Cup contender? Is he still doing that?

When he first climbed aboard the bridge on the Leaf’s ship, he waxed poetic about a long and arduous return to glory (true) and a patient, but complete rebuilding process. Ok, everyone was willing to give Burkie the benefit of the doubt back then.

Then he traded two first round draft picks for Phil Kessel. Hmm, doesn’t the trading of draft picks, especially when you know your team is shit and going to pick high in June, go against the rebuilding mantra? But Burke must know something we don’t, so Leaf fans let this one slide.

After two putrid seasons, Toronto is no better off than before Burke came to town. The team is terrible, but they have no first round draft picks to catalyze a return to respectability.

This year, Burke vowed the team would compete for a playoff spot. He’s showed so much belief in the team that he’s traded Kris Versteeg, Francois Beauchemin and Tomas Kaberle for a collection of draft picks and minor leaguers.

What exactly is Burke trying to do? Rebuild or compete for the playoffs? He has to commit to one or another. This waffling back and forth will just leave the team in further limbo with no end in sight.

What a great time to be a Leafs fan.

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Threesome

(BOD - Lucy Lawless)

CSzem makes his long-awaited return and the three of us manage to figure out how to make a three-way call in a gigantic upset of technology by our limited know-how. Highlights of the menage a trois of sports and pop culture discussion:

- Wild Things
- Matt Damon vs Matt Dillon
- Milos Raonic
- Tennis smack talk
- Is Andy Roddick a douchebag?
- Does Brooklyn Decker withhold sex?
- A myriad of Seinfeld references
- NBA All Star Weekend
- Blake Griffin's history
- Some baseball talk

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Threesome

Enjoy.

E-Mail Banter - A Difference of Opinion

BOD - Jamie Lynn Sigler

Gretzpo:

Apparently, our banter was witty enough to warrant another weekly column ... or Tewks is slowly phasing himself out... probably a combination of the two...

Also, let's try and remember to include a Babe of The Day this time...

Let's start things off with 2 topical, Canadian content questions:

1) Thoughts on Milos Raonic and his first ATP victory? And Canada's first men's singles victory since 1995? But, really, do faux Canadian victories (I'm looking at you, Greg Rusedski), count?

2) Toronto Blue Jays pitchers and catchers report today. What are your predictions for what the 5 starters will look like, and throw out some predictions on what kind of year you think each will have.

CSzem:

I put the lack of BOD squarely on your shoulders. I think it’s evident that in this set-up, I’m the one bringing the insight and humour, and you’re the one bringing…..the password that lets us post columns on Tewks’ blog.

Very nice of you to leave the “Another game for Milos!” joke wide open for me. I don’t know if an athlete has ever provided an easier setup for a joke we’ve been using for years (even totally out of context). Call me crazy, but I am completely pumped for the Milos Raonic-era. He’s got all the requisite shots that you need to be successful in the men’s game (big serve, big forehand), and has already had some success on the big stage. He’s only 20, so he’s got a lot of prime years ahead of him.

Don’t get me started on Greg Rusedski. What a jackass. What possible benefit was there for him to be an English citizen rather than Canadian? It’s not like Brett Hull becoming an American for spite (“You already said spite….”). There really is no clear benefit. Davis Cup? Is England even any better than Canada? I told you not to get me started.

#1: Ricky Romero – 16-8, 216.1 IP, 3.48 ERA, 184 K’s. Continued development, nothing but good things to say about him.

#2: Brandon Morrow – 13-5, 184.2 IP, 4.02 ERA, 203 K’s. Dominant stuff, but lends itself to inconsistency, hence the 4+ ERA.

#3: Brett Cecil – 12-10, 191.0 IP, 4.12 ERA, 147 K’s. I expect slight regression. His “peripheral” numbers don’t support the number of wins he had last year.

#4: Kyle Drabek – 10-11, 168.0 IP, 3.81 ERA, 151 K’s. I think most Jays’ fans would be happy with that stat-line for Drabek. Obviously I expect him to show flashes of brilliance along the way.

#5: Mark Rzepczynski – 8-12, 149.2 IP, 4.45 ERA, 107 K’s. Totally spelled that right without even looking it up.

You, no doubt, have Romero and Morrow battling it out for the Cy Young with matching 20-4 records, sub 3.00 ERA’s, and 220 K’s apiece…?

I have run a gamut of emotions on the Jays upcoming season. Last year, I was convinced 2011 was going to be great, then as the offseason started on I started to think about how much better Boston will be, and the loaded Orioles lineup, and I got depressed. Then the Wells deal happened and convinced me AA is a super-genius so obviously the team will be great. Then I realized that the starting OF is Snider, Davis, Rivera, which sounds more like a Personal Injury Law Firm in Southern California. I’m back to expecting a disappointing year.

Gretzpo:

You know who must be boiling right now? Canadian Olympic gold medalist and multi-tournament doubles champion, Daniel Nestor.

No one cares about doubles... why do you think that is?

My hypothesis is that tennis just works so well as a singles sport ... when you screw up, you've got no one to blame but yourself. And viewers like that relationship. Like in our most recent tennis match I lost 18 POINTS IN A ROW. I was a mess. But still managed to emerge as the victor. How does that relate to anything? I'm not sure it does... but I like bringing up that win as much as I can. Also, it just looks too crowded out there... but rarely does anyone ever get hammered with a ball. More bloody noses and overhand smash related concussions is what that sport needs... then I might tune in...

#1 Ricky Romero: 18-6, 3.30 ERA, 191Ks, 225 IP ... LL Cool Jay's breakout year. Cy Young contention.

#2 Brandon Morrow: 19-7, 3.15 ERA, 240Ks, 215 IP ... Cy Young contention. Hopefully they don't cap his innings.

#3 Brett Cecil: 15-10, 3.95 ERA, 150Ks, 200 IP ... Wears goggles like Kevin Gregg... thankfully, that's where the similarities end.

#4 Kyle Drabek: 12-12, 4.25 ERA, 115Ks, 165 IP ... Sometimes I still call him "Doug"

#5 Zach Stewart: 8-12, 4.50 ERA, 105Ks, 150 IP ... I expect him to have a Brandon Morrow type year - great stuff, very up and down. Will show flashes of brilliance, but won't make a leap until next year.

Okay... that's 72 wins out of our starters. You've got them pegged for 59 wins.

After reviewing my #s I'd say I'm a tad optimistic. Stat lines like that point to an AL East title.

Baltimore's still going to suck this year. They're trying to build a team like JP Ricciardi - and we know how well that plays out in the AL East. Are they going to suck so bad we'll be able to beat them 15 times in a row... probably not. But I don't see > .500 ball from them. I also see steps back from T-Bay and the Yanks. Also, despite their big off season acquisitions on offense, I'm not sold on the BoSox starting staff. Dice-K, Beckett and Lackey aren't sure things.

Put all those things together, and factor in that John Farrell sounds like the greatest manager of all time, and all I'm saying is that the Jays will be able to stay in contention a little bit longer this year. Maybe even some meaningful September baseball.

CSzem:

I think you’re right about why doubles doesn’t do well in tennis, but you’re failing to point out the most obvious comparison: golf. In golf, people eat up the team competitions (Ryder Cup, obviously, but even look at the attention Bill Murray got last week at Pebble). The reason is that the team events are rare. And they (usually) team up the best players. Tennis doubles just gets lost in the mix, since it seems like the undercard at every event.

There’s not a doubt in my mind that the only reason you brought that up was to talk about your victory. I’d remind the readers that we both won a set, and then I was forced to retire….except I’m not sure that’s better than just having lost.

Can you explain for me how Ricky Romero is going to contend for a Cy Young with fewer wins, a higher ERA, and 50 fewer K’s than Brandon Morrow? Who would vote for Romero ahead of Morrow in that scenario? Or do you have them finishing first and second a la Clemens and Hentgen? (Also, I’m not sure Brandon Morrow’s own mother is projecting that strong of a year for him)

I love talking about baseball with you, because logic is just completely removed from the equation. Any factor that you can spin to make it seem more likely that the Jays will compete for the playoffs is pretty much your viewpoint.

I keep waiting for you to call Rajai Davis a “modern day Rickey Henderson”, or tell me that the Dotel/Rauch/Francisco triumvirate is going to be “like Duane Ward and Tom Henke all over again”.

Gretzpo:

Haha... Corey Patterson is the next Devon White... I can't believe they managed to snag him on a minor league deal. (That one was a joke).

... breaking news... (well... for me at least). Jays sign Scott Podsednik to minor league deal with Spring Training invite. More speed and another lefty bat. Not a bad depth move ... and one that predicates the Jays evolution into a balanced offence, rather than relying strictly on the long ball.

One Jay I think is going to have a monster year is Travis Snider - no longer held back by Cito's hatred of all things young, Snider's going to flourish this season. Give the kid 600AB, and hope for a .285 average, 35 HR and 100 RBIs.

Any take on the JoBau situation? With the financial freedom we've been afforded by getting out of the Wells contract I don't mind a 3-4 year contract at $10-$12 million per. It's a win for the Jays as they can get him at a pretty good price that won't cripple them financially if his production goes south, and it's a win for JoBau because he's getting guaranteed money after what could be an outlier season. AND it's a win for Anthopolous because he negotiated the settlement. Win / Win / Win.

Bit of a shakeup in the Canadian sports media over the last couple days ... and both I consider to be great moves:

IN is Dan Shulman working for TSN. The greatest play by play man in the history of the world. Seriously... I think a notable publication has him as the best of the decade. But Sportsnet carries all the baseball... which is what I enjoy hearing him call the most. To think as Jays fans we were treated to Dan Shulman and Buck Martinez in the same booth in the past... if only that era's team could match the performance of it's broadcasters...

OUT is Sam Cosentino. Which makes sense - when you're at the Jays game there are already a dozen fat guys stating the obvious, did we really need one in a suit with a microphone?

OUT is Rance Mulliniks. Which also makes sense. Much too long winded to be a colour guy - Pat Tabler's the best choice here. And even with Buck Martinez fisting the competition, I kind of miss Rod Black.

CSzem:

You have officially jumped the shark regarding this discussion. Do you know how many players in all of baseball did what you just suggested Snider could do? FOUR! Do you know how many OF'ers? NONE! The four names are Pujols, Votto, Miguel Cabrera, and (oddly enough) Paul Konerko. If you lower the HR threshold to 30, the only names you add are Adrian Gonzalez, Dan Uggla, Carlos Gonzalez, and Josh Hamilton. Yeah, Travis Snider is ready to step into that group. You noted that you were joking after the Patterson/Devo comparison, so maybe I'll assume you just left that part out when talking about Snider.

I'm going straight-up "curmudgeon" for this whole response (I got off to a good start, so why stop now?). Who OK's "JoBau" as an acceptable nickname? When did we get so uncreative that a player's nicknames automatically default to this (and yes, I'm aware that I go by "CSzem" in this space)...? I blame Chris Webber. But regardless, Bautista deserves a new nickname.

Obviously everything you said about the contract is now moot, so we can talk in definitive terms. Frankly, I'm terrified of this contract. I have trouble picturing Jose Bautista worth MORE than $13MM per year at any point, meaning that there's no scenario where this deal is a bargain. To be worth that much, he'd have to put up Travis Snider-like numbers year in and year out. So that means that all the risk in the deal is for the team. I've heard people say that Bautista's "floor" is about 22 HRs, 90 RBI, and a .260 average....to which I respond "Actually his floor is a 12 HR journeyman who can't find a position or team". There's absolutely a chance that he's worth $13MM per year and this is a fair market deal....but there's also a chance this deal blows up (and this is coming from someone that defended the Vernon Wells contract when it was signed).

Gretzpo:

This last part wasn't in the e-mail banter ... but I figure since I get to post the column I'll always get the last word. I once saw Travis Snider hit a one handed home run to straightaway center field, at the Rogers Centre. A talent like that, playing every day, and staying healthy is going to put it all together this year. The guy's only 23 years old, so he should be cut a lot of slack about not living up to expectations so far ... this is the year he breaks out.

A Ninny Returns

(BOD - Amber Brkich)

I was all set to skewer Chris Bosh once again in his return to Toronto last night as the formidable Miami Heat faced off against the lowly Toronto Raptors. I had all kinds of new zingers ready to go in the chamber, but then I actually watchedd the game.

It was so depressing to see yet another former Raptor come to town and run roughshod over the home team. Is it really too much to ask for the current squad to show a little fortitude and maybe stick a finger in these guys' faces so they don't, you know, dominate and take the hostile Toronto crowd out of the game.

Not only that, but I just found out that Uncle Leo from Seinfeld fame died last night. It's a sad day for me. I didn't have the heart to produce more venom towards Bosh, but I did go back into the archives and found my thoughts in an open letter from 2009 on the "Ru Paul of Big Men". It's great stuff. Enjoy:

Dear Mr. Bosh,


As a fan of the Toronto Raptors organization, due primarily to geographic factors, I take umbrage with your comments in today’s edition of the Toronto Star. With your impending free agency in the summer of 2010 looming overhead like a dark thundercloud in Raptorland, you had the gall to insinuate that you will not resign with the club.

Not only that, but you intimated that you belong in the same conversation as the jewels of next year’s free agent crop, Dwayne Wade and King James. Uh. No. Let me paint you a picture. As the owner of a robust three digit SAT score, I feel qualified to make the following analogy:

Your basketball ability is to D-Wade and LeBron’s as street meat is to filet mignon.

You are a perfectly serviceable second banana. There is no way you should ever be counted on to lead a team. Sure you’ll get your 20 and 10 a night, but no one is buying tickets because Chris Bosh is in town.

Say what you will about Vince Carter (he’s a huge pussy), the greatest villain in franchise history, but when he decided to make an effort the guy could flat out play and will a team to victory. Carter was the catalyst behind every playoff series victory in team history. How many playoff series have you won, Christopher?

I have the answer right here. It also doubles as the number of women who have been able to climax during a sexual episode with me. Zero. Nada. Zilch (Although I did get a moan one time; I think I was just lying on her hair).

Why the decision was made to build the foundation of the Raptors around a 215lb ninny like you is beyond me. When negotiating your current contract I will assume that Bryan Colangelo’s designer shirt was too tight around the collar, cutting off the blood flow to his finely coiffed head (the dude has fashion sense; he looks like a European douche, but still).

You have such little self-awareness that you have no idea how big of a joke you’ve become. First of all, you actually look like a dinosaur; I wouldn’t be surprised if you were discovered to be the Missing Link. After making a big block or dunk, you prance and preen around the court with your jaw jutted out defiantly, trying to look like a badass. In reality, it looks like you’re constipated.

Your personality is not like a professional athlete’s; in fact, it more closely resembles a pimply faced teenager who spends hours playing World of Warcraft. In interviews, you never talk about basketball or your love for the game. It’s all about Facebook, Twitter, I-Phones, social networks and other entertainment mediums.

God forbid you focus on becoming a better basketball player. Do you think LeBron and Kobe spend their offseason making gay comedy videos and jerking off to Bill Gates’ Twitter posts? No, they spend hours in the gym and on the court making themselves better players. What a novel idea. Improving your talents at a sport in which you get paid millions of dollars to play.

There are rumours that you’re trying to bulk up this season by hitting the weight room. You’ve tried this before, but gave up because working out is “really difficult.” There are so many things wrong with the statement that I don’t want to address them for fear of giving myself a brain aneurysm.

Newsflash dickwad. Attaining a body like LeBron, Dwight Howard or Tewks takes a tremendous amount of blood, sweat and determination. Something a mincing dandy like you sorely lacks.

Now I know that you are quite adept at surfing the net, so there’s a small chance you may read this article. Fine. Go for it. Send me a nasty email (listed in my profile). I’m not scared of someone who outweighs me by 20 pounds but is almost a foot taller than me.

Meet me at the gym; I’ll be the guy lifting a ton of iron in a cloud of chalk dust. I’ll come find you at the pool doing water aerobics with the geriatrics.

GFY Chris Bosh.

Love,

Tewks

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Another Game for Milos!

(BOD - Rachel Bilson)

Highlights of today's podcast:

- Gretzpo's Valentine's Day plans
- Milos Roanic's ascent to tennis greatness
- Rogers Cup plans
- Three-way podcasts
- NHL brawls
- Mario's thoughts
- Pitchers and Catchers
- Early Jays prognostications

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Another Game for Milos!

Enjoy.

Garbage Time With Gretzpo - A Tuesday Afternoon

CSzem:

In lieu of a podcast this week (since neither Gretzpo nor CSzem is capable of figuring out that technology), let’s try a new format: a brief e-mail exchange discussing the news of the day (if that doesn't work, we're going "Scandals and Animals").

OK Gretzpo, start us off: I’ve got a few questions, and I want answers:
1) Who had a worse day on Sunday, the Black Eyed Peas, or me as a gambler? (Or O-Szem, since Community College becomes more and more of an option with every passing NFL season?)
2) Is Aaron Rodgers the best QB in the NFL? I say yes, but I got a lot of push back in the room on Sunday.
3) Is Christina Aguilera’s career ruined? Or did she still have a career to ruin? And more importantly, should Vegas void the bets on the length of the National Anthem, since, y’know, she didn’t sing the whole National Anthem….?

Gretzpo:

1) Here's the thing about the BEP ... I was in a bar where people weren't really paying attention to the halftime show, so I would glance up from my conversation every now and then, see a bunch of people with what looked like blocks of ice on their heads, and think, "this is pretty cool." And then Usher did a running jump over over Will.I.am and did the splits... which I also thought was cool.

But from people who were actually listening, the feedback has been very bad.

Which begs another couple questions:

Were our halftime show expectations raised because last year's show was The Boss? OR should we give BEP a little more credit since it was very clear that they weren't lip synching?

O-Szem may end up going to Tufts ... "It was my safety school!"

I too lost money on the Steelers ... but to be honest I don't feel that bad about it. They were an underdog who had the chance to win on a last minute drive ... and when you're betting on the underdog that's all you can really ask for. I have a feeling you're going to strongly disagree with that though.

2) Unequivocally yes. I'm not a numbers guy (read: I don't do any research for these things) but if you look at the non-football side of his success (coming out under Favre's shadow, delivering a Super Bowl to probably one of the league's most maniacal fan bases) he has to be mentioned as the top QB in the NFL right now.

3) Christina Aguilera looked terrible. She looked like a stressed out former CEO who just checked into rehab for a crystal meth addiction...

Americans care about two things: football and patriotism. To screw up the anthem at the Super Bowl is tantamount to kicking Uncle Sam in the groin. This mistake will not be forgotten ... her best hope is to take the self-deprecation route, throw $25K to some American Institution Charity, and accept that she's not what she used to be.

I mean... remember the video for "Dirty"? Is there anything sexier than a girl taking part in some sort of underground fight club, and then concluding the night with some groupie shower love? 18 year old me says no. And now, it's hard to believe that that was the same girl.

CSzem:

I had extremely low expectations for the halftime show, and they were not even met. Our key points of discussion during the show were “How high is Slash right now?” (Consensus: “Very”), and then we digressed into whether or not Axl would have had to agree to Sweet Child ‘O Mine being played (Consensus: “No way in hell he would have, so the answer must be no”).

Usher’s involvement was entirely awkward, although, he is an obscenely cool guy, even if he’s not the same level of “cool” that he used to be. To a room of about 17 people (with MAYBE 5 women) last night, I remarked that everyone in the room would have sex with Usher. I know what I said.
Given our mutual love for The Boss, your supposition seems reasonable, except for the fact that he performed two years ago, not last year. Last year was The Who (“I’ll take Pete Townsend to go over 7.5 guitar windmills”).

Regarding the game, the fact that the Steelers were even IN IT was completely remarkable. Three huge turnovers, and an early 18 point deficit, should be enough to result in a blowout, but they were right there at the end, largely a result of a boatload of dropped passes from the Packers. All of those drops make my argument about Aaron Rodgers that much stronger. 300+ yards, 3 TD’s, no picks, and that was basically the WORST his numbers could have been….and it was only the biggest game of his life.
Weren’t there two r’s in the title of “Dirrty”…? I mean, she was REALLY dirty. But maybe you’ve inadvertently made a salient point (it must have been inadvertent): that song came out when we were 18! We’re talking almost 10 years ago. 10 years in “celebrity years” is an incredible amount of time, especially when we’re talking about someone like “X-Tina”. The window to be young and nubile doesn’t stay open forever. She’s one of the few that seemingly has (had?) the talent that could soften the transition, but it seems she’s gotta reinvent herself, ditch the bleached blonde hair, and embrace the fact that she’s not who she used to be.

Let’s take one more shot before wrapping it up:
1) Quick hit thoughts on the NFL Labour Dispute. Have we seen our last football for a loooong time?
2) If there IS football, who’s going to be in Indianapolis next year for Super Bowl 46 when the “Talkin’ with Tewks” crew invades Media Day?

Gretzpo:

My apologies on the Guess Who Super Bowl mix up ... I suppose it's just wishful thinking on my part: if it were up to me Springsteen would be crotch diving into my living room every year (hell... every day...)

We should probably try and include a clip here so people don't get the wrong idea...

As I mentioned before, football is an American institution - there's no way they'll be cancelling any games. However, I'm sure they said the same thing about baseball in '94...

This is where you're fandom / knowledge comes in: hasn't it been a long time since a SB champion has made it back to the big game in their defending year?

But let's not forget how Jermichael Finley was playing before he got hurt... he's going to have a huge year next year, and giving that offence one more weapon could be enough to break that streak...

I like bounce back years from both Indy and New England in the AFC ... and a full season of Vick is going to be huge for the Eagles. I'll predict a NE/Indy AFC Final, and a GB/Philly NFC Final ... with New England besting Philly in the Super Bowl.

We can't leave our faithful readers lurching with post Super Bowl drivel and outlandish playoff predictions (frankly, I almost had to look up that I had two teams from the AFC and the NFC).

In a little under a week comes the most important day for both married and single men alike: pitchers and catchers are reporting to spring training on February 14th.

How do you think the Jays rotation shapes up? Both in terms of development and compared to last year? What do you expect out of JP Arencibia this year?

CSzem:

I love how in your apology for incorrectly referencing the half-time show, you once again incorrectly referenced the halftime show. You are aware that The Who and The Guess Who are different bands, right?

The last Super Bowl Champion to return to the big game was the Pats in 2004 (they won again). Since then, the Super Bowl hangover has been pretty significant. The following year's Pats team is the last defending champ to even win a playoff game. So it’s a tough road. You’re right in referencing Finley, and he’s far from the only one. The Packers had 15 players on IR, and set some kind of record for man-games lost due to injury. They seem to have the kind of structure in place that would lend itself to continued success, but frankly, I hear that about the champ every year.

I’m stunned that a casual, uneducated, fan expects Indy and New England to play in the AFC title game, and the Pats to win the Super Bowl. That really is surprising. Didn’t see that one coming at all.
I like that we’re getting the first word in here for the upcoming baseball season. We’ll pontificate about the upcoming season while Tewks chases his dreams of actually trying to PLAY baseball. What a loser.
Romero, Morrow, Cecil, Drabek. There are very few teams out there that can match that purely from a talent standpoint. But that might also be the problem. I’m terrified that – as talented as that group is – there isn’t enough polish and experience. Maybe in 2012 or 2013 that’s a rotation you can compete with, but the AL East didn’t get any easier in the offseason.

As for Arencibia, I expect him to put up tremendous numbers throughout the summer. Of course, I’m talking about the Toronto nightlife, where I think he’ll do exceptionally well. On the field, I’ll be surprised if he hits over .240. He’s going to hit some home runs, but you’ve gotta hit some singles and doubles, too (again, I’m talking ON the field….I think).

Gretzpo:

Dammit... I figured with the self-editing the medium provides, I'd be able to avoid screwing up like I do in the podcasts... I was wrong.

The worst part is I've seen Bachman/Cummings in concert... live... in London... with you.

Agreed on the staff ... those who are whining about the loss of Marcum need to remember that Dana freaking Eveland was our fifth starter coming out of training camp. And then when he started to suck we marched out Brian Tallet's lanky corpse every fifth day. Rzepczynski lit it up in the Arizona Fall League (something ridiculous like 4-1 with an ERA in the low 1's). Also there's some chatter from some pretty knowledgeable people (Keith Law) that Zach Stewart should challenge for that fifth starter spot, creating a nice little story to watch during Spring Training. Litsch is in the mix as well, but I think we've seen the best of him ... whereas the other two haven't reached their potential yet.

In summary... Full years of (Morrow + Drabek) + Better Fifth Starter > (Shaun Marcum + Awful Fifth Starter)

---

That wraps things up – thanks for allowing us to use material that’s pretty much lifted from our day to day lives and call it a column on a sports blog.

CSzem's Corner: Super Bowl

(BOD - Esti Ginzburg)


(This will be the last entry until Tuesday, February 15 as Talkin' with Tewks will be on hiatus all of next week because I will be attending a baseball tryout camp in Fort Myers, Florida. I Dream of Long Bus Rides will be updated daily next week with news from the tryout. Follow along here.)

So here we go, this is a big one. After my mediocre run through the first two weeks of the playoffs, everything came crashing to a halt in the Conference Championships two weeks ago. I went 0-2, dropping my record to a dismal 4-6 for the playoffs. Now, all I can hope for is a Super Bowl win, so I can finish a “not-so-horrible” 5-6. A loss here would drop me to 4-7, and all my credibility would be shot. Fortunately, I don’t think I was starting out with that much credibility to begin with.

The other good news is that a win in this one would actually result in me personally finishing “ahead” for the playoffs, since let’s just say that the Super Bowl might be slightly more heavily weighted from a gambling perspective. For reference sake, the Super Bowl is more like two semesters worth of books for little O-Szem as opposed to just one.

The other, other, good news is that Super Bowl week means props, props, and more props. This year we can bet on the length of Christina Aguilera’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner (over/under is 1 minute, 54 seconds), what colour her hair will be, what Fergie will be wearing at halftime (10:1 odds to bet that she’ll be wearing a thong/bikini bottom….now there’s a bet I’d love to win), the weight of the Super Bowl MVP (over/under is 226.5 lbs), or even crazy things like who will actually win the game!

It’s a veritable smorgasbord of betting, and (as we all agreed at my recent GA meeting) it really is the best day of the year.

So what do I recommend (given my recent track record, you can read this section and then RUN the other way)…..?

Tails. That’s right, you can bet on the coin flip. And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but this bet never fails.

One bet I love is (if you think the Packers are going to win the game) taking Aaron Rodgers to be the MVP. Taking the Packers to win straight up is an expensive proposition, since they’re favoured by 3. But taking Rodgers to win MVP can net you a tidy profit (pays 1.5 to 1). Can you really envision ANYONE else winning the MVP if the Packers win this game? I can’t.

The UNDER. The game’s current total is 44. An important note about the game total in the Super Bowl is that the gambling public LOVES high scoring games, and therefore is always inclined to bet the over. Vegas knows this, and, therefore, always inflates the number just a little bit so they are more likely to take Joe Blow’s money. This game features the #1 and #2 scoring defenses in the entire league! For all the press that Rodgers and the Packers Offense garner, their Defense might be an even bigger reason why they’re here. And we know about the Steelers’ D. Add in the fact, that teams typically come into the Super Bowl a bit nervous (and therefore conservative early on), and I just don’t see this climbing past a 24-20 scoreline, which would be a push.

You may have noticed that I’ve spent as little time as possible actually dissecting this game and working towards a pick. In truth, that’s because I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen in this game. I cannot recall a Super Bowl in recent memory where the two teams seemed SO evenly matched. We’ve had a few really good games recently, and even last year we had a mild upset. But there can’t be an “upset” in this year’s game. Despite the fact that the Packers are favoured by 3, no one in their right mind is going to be surprised if the Steelers win this thing. As a football fan, that has me extremely jacked up. Unlike a couple weeks ago, I think I would be excited for this game, and would enjoy it, even if I didn’t have a horse in the race. With that said, you’re not reading this for me to wish the two teams luck and hope they play a good, honest, game, and the best team wins. That sounds boring, and pretty lame.

This is about taking sides.

Two very interesting notes before I make a pick:

1) The average margin of victory in Super Bowl’s with a spread of 3 points or fewer is something like 15.5. What that means is that, typically, the games that we expect to be really close and hard-fought, don’t always turn out that way.

2) The Packers’ record in close games has been absolutely abysmal all year (meaning they better hope Stat #1 holds true and they win this thing easily).

Stat #2 is the interesting one for me. Either the Packers simply don’t have a killer instinct for closing the deal in close games, and Big Ben is going to march the Steelers down the field for a winning TD at the final whistle…..OR the law of averages is eventually going to kick in, and the Pack have simply been unlucky in their closer contests.

The Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers (+3)

Steelers win outright, as Big Ben drives them down for the winning score with seconds to play. People of Dallas, lock up your wives/daughters/girlfriends.

No Invite to Super Bowl Media Day?

(BOD - Blake Lively)

After reading about all of the questionable journalists in attendance, softball questions asked and complete non-sequiturs having nothing to do with the game of football, I think it is an egregious mistake that Talkin’ with Tewks was unable to secure media credentials for what is the biggest farce in sports media history:

Super Bowl Media Day!

I have no idea how the Tuesday of Super Bowl week came to be the most covered and revered day besides the actual game. Allow me to pull my old man pants up past my waist and shake my fist at damn kids walking on my lawn while I blame the internet for the proliferation and ruination of Media Day.

Back in the good old days, grizzled sportswriters would interview grizzled players solely about the game and then report the information to the masses by way of movable type in newspapers. Then they would all go out together in harmony and chase tail while drinking scotch on the rocks. It was perfect.

Now, with the explosion of television and the internet, Media Day has turned into an arms race of people trying to be funny and witty (and failing), wearing outrageous outfits or asking inappropriate questions in order to get some face time on camera. This is all at the expense of the players forced to sit through such nonsense and answer inane questions like “What is your favourite colour?”

The main attraction at this year’s event was Brooklyn Decker (of Sports Illustrated swimsuit and BOD fame) who worked as a correspondent for Entertainment Tonight and asked celebrity trivia questions to players from both teams because, you know, that has relevance to football. I suppose having Brooklyn Decker ask the questions is the only way they could get away with such idiocy. However, if I was a player I would demand Decker appear in a bikini to show off her best assets (Quiz: it’s not her brain or her on camera presence).

In years past, Ines Sainz was the main attraction. She is a television personality from Mexico who has a penchant for wearing mini-skirts and cleavage-baring tops; obviously she was welcome with open arms to the event so the fat sportswriters could get an erection while stuffing themselves at the trough known as press buffet table.

Sainz was the woman who once begged Tom Brady to marry her when she got a chance to ask a question of the Patriot’s Dreamboat. Hard hitting journalism at its best, eh? Sainz is also the same woman who dressed like a hooker at a New York Jets practice earlier this year and had the audacity to complain the players made catcalls in her direction and objectified her. What did you expect?

The most pressing issue of this year’s Media Day was the showdown between Troy Polamalu of the Steelers and Clay Matthews of the Packers and their hair. I shit you not. The media was in a tizzy over whose hair was better and who had the better hair care regimen. Is this football or America’s Next Top Model?

I think I’m just jealous. Apparently, over 5000 media credentials were given out for the event, which seems to mean that literally anyone with a show, website, blog etc. could ascertain credentials if they’re willing to fork out cash for airfare and hotels.

I think Gretzpo and CSzem and I should pool our money together and hit Media Day as the Talkin’ with Tewks crew next year, run roughshod over all of those dorks, and take back the day for football fans everywhere.

Or, at the very least, sexually harass Brooklyn Decker.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Sports Potpourri

(BOD - Anne Hathaway)

Due to a dearth of big stories in the sports world, Gretzpo and I decided to discuss a myriad of subjects in rapid fire fashion. Highlights include:

- Tewks under the weather
- The ability of my Crossfit body to literally heal thyself
- The NHL All Star Game: success or failure?
- Phil Kessel
- Novak Djokovic's Australian Open win
- Kevin Durant vs. Chris Bosh
- Pitchers and Catchers report
- Regular season vs playoffs
- Which sport has the most exicting postseason?

Talkin' with Tewks Live - Sports Potpourri

Schoolyard Pick'em

(BOD - Rachel Hunter)

Quick digression: What I hate about writing columns about topical sports events reared its ugly head this week. I spent last week’s entire article heralding the greatness of Rafael Nadal and his quest for four consecutive Grand Slam championships and what happens? My whole article is rendered moot by a balky left hamstring and some guy named David Ferrer.

The situation has left me a little gun shy today as I planned on waxing poetic about Tiger’s triumphant return and predict a big 2011 from him. His mind is clear, his body is healthy and he appears ready to run roughshod over the world of professional golf and reclaim his title of best player on the planet. Of course, if I actually decided to devote a column to the subject he’d probably miss the cut this week at Torrey Pines.

Onto the column . . .

The NHL All Star Game takes place this weekend in Denver with a new wrinkle devised to inject some life into what has always been somewhat of a boring affair. Instead of dividing teams along geographic lines or according to nationality (which always led to some charming xenophobic rhetoric), the NHL has decided to go back to recess.

Two captains have been chosen and each will alternate picking guys from a pool of All Star players until someone has the unfortunate designation of last player picked. On paper, this sounds like a cool idea, but the league is risking a lot of embarrassment for the players picked near the bottom of the informal draft.

Truthfully, there should be no embarrassment at all, as there are only forty players in the entire league deemed worthy of an All Star spot. Picked last in the All Star selection still means you are better than the majority of the players in the best hockey league in the world. Unfortunately, the general populace will not realize that and the media will jump on the story of the guy picked last by his peers.

It will be interesting to see how the teams will be divided. Will the captains pick based on loyalties, friendships, and rivalries? Or will they purely try to construct the most talented team possible?

Say what you will about the format, but it has done its job and got people talking about the event. There is one aspect of this schoolyard draft that I am in vehement disagreement with. The draft will take place in a one hour televised special. Seriously? I suppose it could be interesting, but it all depends on the charisma and personalities of the captains picking the teams.

Who are the captains? Niklas Lidstrom and Eric Staal.

Oh boy. No offence, but charismatic and personable are not the adjectives that jump into my mind when I think about those two guys. Boring and bland might be better descriptors. How the hell are they going to make an hour of basically a two man fantasy draft compelling television?

You need characters picking these teams. Let Alexander Ovechkin take a crack. You know he would prove truthful reasons as to why he’s picking certain guys. Or bring Jeremy Roenick out of retirement and make him a honouary captain. Better yet, get Sean Avery involved. I would love to see that. He’d interrupt the draft with the following gem at round eight or so:

“Uh, yeah, I just want to comment on how it seems to be a common thing for guys on the other team to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the rest of the draft.”

Nevertheless, congratulations to the National Hockey League for goading me into writing a column about your boring All Star Game.

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Vernon Wells Trade Reaction

(BOD - Dominique Piek)

Highlights of this week's podcast:

- Conference championship highlights
- Some very early Super Bowl predictions
- Sidney Crosby and head shots in the NHL
- The Vernon Wells trade
- The abilities of Alex Anthopolous
- The 2011 Toronto Blue Jays
- Josef Stalin
- Gretzpo's indoor rowing prowess compared to his sexual stamina


Talkin' with Tewks Live- Vernon Wells Trade


Enjoy.

CSzem's Corner: Championship Weekend

(BOD - Jenn Sterger)

Well, here we go. My incredible run of total and complete mediocrity continued last week with yet another 2-2 finish. At 4-4 through the first two weeks, I’ve positioned myself nicely to not completely and totally lose my shirt in the playoffs, but any potential financial windfall looks unlikely.

Last week’s slate of games included a tremendous comeback (or perhaps even more tremendous collapse) in the Ravens/Steelers game, that somehow resulted in a non-cover for me. Also last week, we saw Aaron Rodgers officially entering himself into the “Best QB on the Planet” debate, with a virtuoso performance in the Georgia Dome.

Sunday’s games produced the blow-out I predicted in Seattle/Chicago (don’t let the final score fool you), and then just a brutal effort from the Pats (to take nothing away from the Jets) in their loss.

So now we’re down to 4. We’ve got 4 storied franchises vying for the title. 4 former first round draft picks playing QB (first time that’s ever happened), and 4 great defenses. These should both be fantastic games. There’s no reason to believe we won’t have two closely contested battles, with some possible late-game theatrics.

So, with all of that said – why am I not more excited?

I don’t have a good answer, but my general malaise towards this week’s pair of games continues to eat away at me. Most likely it’s because I have absolutely no rooting interest either for or against any of these teams. Truthfully, my feelings towards all of them are mostly neutral. So I’m having a hard time getting “jacked up”, since I don’t care who wins.

Well you know what kids? That’s why God invented gambling (I think it was on the 4th day…..and it was good.). Gambling was made for weekends when you wouldn’t otherwise care. Every year for the Super Bowl, I run a huge “props board” for all of our friends. Without fail, every year, Mrs. CSzem remarks to me after the game how much more she enjoyed it because she had thrown in $10 (of my money, no doubt) to bet on the game. This, inevitably, leads to about a 1 day grace period where she is understanding of why I gamble so much, before we get back to usual with her complaining that I’m frittering away our son’s college fund.

To the picks!!

The Game: Green Bay @ Chicago

The Line: Green Bay (-3.5)

Can’t remember the last time I saw something like this, where a #6 seed was going on the road to play against a #2 seed, who happens to be their arch rival, in the playoffs (first playoff matchup between these two teams in 70 years!)….and was LAYING points. Just goes to show how hot to trot the gambling public is for the Packers right now. Everyone has convinced themselves that they’ve “figured it out” (hell, I even made that argument last week), and they cannot be stopped.

Let’s flash back to Week 17 of the regular season. The Packers were playing for their lives. Win and they were in. Lose and they were out. Travelling to Soldier Field, to face a Bears team that had literally nothing to play for (were already locked in as the #2 seed), the Packers didn’t score for the first 43 minutes of the game. This juggernaut offense that has everyone falling all over themselves, didn’t score a TD in that game until the 4th quarter, and then barely squeaked out a 10-3 win.

Two weeks later and they’re the greatest offense in history, Aaron Rodgers’ bust is being prepared for Canton, and they’re laying 3.5 points in Chicago. You can guess where I’m going with this.

Bears should feel totally disrespected by this line. They should be laying 3 points in this game (I’m not saying I’d lay 3 points with them, but that should have been the line, if they were at all respected). Packers can absolutely win this game, but I’m expecting a dogfight with both defenses coming to play.

The Pick: Chicago (+3.5)

The Game: NY Jets @ Pittsburgh

The Line: Pittsburgh (-3.5)

See what I mean? How are these games any different? A hot #6 seed that just knocked off two stud QB’s in successive weeks, upsetting the #3 seed and the #1 seed. The game is a rematch of a game earlier in the year (as recent as December) where the road team/#6 seed came in and won a big game. That description literally applies to both games. Everything is completely true. So why are the Packers laying 3.5 while the Jets are getting 3.5?

Well, for one, I’m not disagreeing with this line. I think that it further underscores how incorrect the Bears/Packers line is. Any of these four teams winning these games would not surprise me.

So what does that mean? That means I’m going back to “old reliable”. The strategy that we talked about for earlier in the playoffs seems to strangely apply here. I’m taking the points. I’m not saying that I think the Jets are definitely going to win. But at least one of these underdogs will cover (the fact that I don’t know which one explains why I’m taking them both). Really, I see no reason why these couldn’t both be FG games that come down to the wire.

The Pick: NY Jets (+3.5)

The great thing about these picks is that when I started writing, I intended to pick Pittsburgh and Green Bay….so only the exact opposite of what I just picked. It just seems that everyone and their cousin is writing those two teams into the Super Bowl. I think one of them gets upset, and frankly, even if they both get by, one of the games will be within 3.5. I feel strangely good about these picks. And now I can enjoy the weekend!!

Tennis, Anyone?

(BOD - Brooklyn Decker)

The 2011 ATP season kicked off this week Down Under where the top men’s players in the world have congregated to decide the year’s first major: the Aussie Open.

There are a plethora of thick, juicy, marbled storylines to chew on throughout the season but, truth be told, I’m having a tough time really caring about any of them at this point. It always feels like the Australian Open is kind of like the red-headed stepchild of the tennis world.

The tournament takes place in mid January; looking out the window at the dreary wintry weather, complete with freezing rain and a howling wind that chafes my nipples, does not really put me in the mood for tennis. I don’t even want to step foot outside, let alone spend a couple of hours swinging a racket on the court. Not only that, but the time change from here to Australia always leaves me confused.

I never know if I’m watching live coverage or not. Trying to calculate the day/time Down Under makes me feel like John Nash breaking codes in A Beautiful Mind; I don’t know what’s real. For me, my tennis viewing starts with the French Open when the storylines for the year are drawn in the sand.

This year is a little bit different as there is one big story currently dominating the headlines: Rafael Nadal’s attempt to capture his fourth major title in a row, something that hasn’t been done since Rod Laver in 1969.

I’m not sure what I want to happen. I am a big fan of both Federer and Nadal (Rafa has really grown on me over the past two years). I don’t know who I want to be the dominant force in tennis. Part of me wants to side with Federer only because he’s older. Truthfully, I wouldn’t mind if they traded Grand Slam titles only with each other for the next four years.

Much has been made about what to call Nadal’s achievement if he wins the Aussie Open, since he will hold all four major titles, but not in the same year. Laver complicated matters somewhat by declaring that he won’t consider Nadal to have won the Grand Slam because his wins will take place over two years.

The press and fans have been ripping Laver apart for that comment basically saying that he’s an old, jealous codger who should just mind his own business. I completely disagree. Laver is the only man alive who has completed the Grand Slam, thus he has the authority to say what he wants on the matter. If he doesn’t think it counts as Grand Slam, then it isn’t one. All of these jerkoffs who’ve never picked up a racket can keep their mouths shut and defer to a tennis legend.

If Nadal does manage to win in Melbourne, then he is completely deserving of unparalleled praise. Holding all four major tennis titles, on three different surfaces, is an incredible accomplishment. If he wants to call that achievement a Grand Slam, then so be it. If he wants to call it a Rafa Slam, he can.

Exhibiting such tennis mastery allows an individual to say whatever he wants. The best part about Nadal is that he won’t say anything about this if he wins. He’ll raise his trophy in the air, smile, and then start focusing on Roland Garros (hopefully with Federer nipping at his heels).

Talkin' with Tewks Live: Jersey Shore

(BOD - "The sweetest bitch you'll ever meet")

Gretzpo and I discuss all things Jersey Shore. Highlights:

- New castmate Deena Nicole
- Deena compared to potato salad and New Coke
- The importance of Sunday dinner
- Ron and Sam's confusing and toxic relationship
- MVP and their prowess with the ladies
- Best season yet?
- And much more


Talkin' with Tewks Live - Jersey Shore

Enjoy.