Talkin' with Tewks: A Dissertation on the Man Crush

Last week, while watching Top Gun and Cocktail on cable for the 348th and 167th times respectively, it was mentioned that I have an unhealthy infatuation with one Thomas Cruise; the worst part is I couldn’t even feign indignation at the comment.

It’s true, I love Tom Cruise. There it is.

This brings me to the main crux of today’s sermon: the phenomenon known as the "Mancrush", where seemingly straight men have schoolgirl crushes on male celebrities, athletes and pop culture icons.

To attain Mancrush status a person must possess a number of the following criteria: excessive handsomeness, a sexual organ of the penile variety (this is why David Beckham and his vagina don’t make the cut), charisma, transcendent talent or athletic ability, "coolness", fame, fortune, toughness and have laid more pipe than a second generation plumbing business.

Now for all you strapping heterosexual men out there thinking, "What is Tewks talking about? I don’t have Mancrushes; I eat red meat and watch the UFC." First of all, the UFC is a sport which includes the term "ground and pound" and has half naked guys mounting each other; it’s a rainbow flag away from being Friday night at the San Francisco YMCA.

Second, ask yourselves this: if you’ve ever watched a celebrity and thought "What a cool guy. I want to go out with him and grab a beer," then you have a Mancrush. Congratulations, welcome to a life of inferiority and questioning your sexuality.

For your reading enjoyment, I present the following: a list of my Top 10 Mancrushes.

Number 10 – Sidney Crosby

At twenty years old, Sidney Crosby is a multimillionaire, the best hockey player in the world, looked up to by thousands of kids across North America and has undoubtedly slept with more puck bunnies than the entire population of Nova Scotia.

At twenty-two years old, I have $58 in my checking account, got cut from the same hockey team eight years in a row, was asked to leave the Big Brother program and I spend Saturday nights watching soft core porn on Telemundo with Gretzpo.

The only detriment to Crosby’s Mancrush case is his youth and his subpar facial features; he looks like a Komodo dragon. With a few more years of seasoning and some high profile hookups (Is Hannah Montana 18 yet?), Sid the Kid will fly up this list.

Number 9 – Tom Brady

Many of you are probably surprised that Mr. Brady is not ranked higher on this list. I mean the guy is rich and famous, sleeps with supermodels, has a jaw you could crack walnuts on, is loved by women of all ages and plays the premier position in sports better than anyone else.

However, there is a little je ne sais quoi missing from his Mancrush resume. I’ve never really seen him produce a discernable personality; he gives vanilla responses in media interviews and he just doesn’t seem like much fun. He’d be the guy at a bachelor party in Vegas playing the penny slots with the octogenarians and drinking Bacardi Breezers, while his buddies are drinking tequila shots and getting full contact lap dances.

Number 8 – Brad Pitt

The more I think about it, Bradley is pretty much the Hollywood equivalent of Tom Brady. He possesses many of the same characteristics and also contains one minor flaw (the fact he still rings in at #8 despite this flaw speaks volumes of his greatness).

The flaw is the disturbing reality that Angelina Jolie keeps his testicles in a pickle jar in their pantry next to a jug of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood and a Jennifer Aniston voodoo doll.

Number 7 – Tiger Woods

Let us run down Mr. Woods’ case: Talent? Greatest to ever hold a golf club. Check. Wealth? Well on his way to becoming sports first $1 billion man. Check.

Women? Married to a Swedish bombshell. Check.

Fame? Has more worldwide recognition than His Airness. Check.

Tiger regularly makes the members of the CBS golf crew weak at the knees with the way he wields a flatstick. Hell, I’d give my life savings to play a round of mini golf with him.

Unfortunately, his real name is Eldrick. Therefore he can never be higher than #7 on this list.

Number 6 – Mickey Mantle

The only blemish on The Mick’s Mancrush resume is that he’s dead. When Mantle died in 1995 of liver cancer, grown men bawled like babies upon hearing that their boyhood idol was gone. Any man who can produce that type of reaction among middle-aged baby boomers is definitely in the Mancrush Hall Of Fame.

After reading his biography and watching the movie 61*, there is no denying that Mick was a legendary man and truly larger than life. The best party story of your life would be trumped by The Mick and his crew on a random Wednesday night in January. Mantle would drink two bottles of scotch, have a threesome with Marilyn Monroe and Rita Hayworth, sleep for an hour and then go out and sock a couple of dingers. Now that is the definition of a professional athlete.

Bottoms up Mick; you are the man to whom all Mancrush candidates will forever be compared.

Number 5 – Matthew McConaughey

Based on this picture, it’s pretty self-explanatory as to why this native Texan kicks off the Top 5. He pretty much defines the excessive handsomeness criterion discussed earlier (That came off much gayer than I intended).

McConaughey just seems like a cool guy. Anyone who plays the bongo drum naked is okay in my books.

Imagine hitting any club in North America as his wingman? Gorgeous women would flock like bees to honey.

You’d do more drilling than a Saudi Prince trying to strike oil.


Number 4 – George Clooney

I could leave this section blank and no one would question Clooney’s inclusion on my Mancrush list. He is, without a doubt, the epitome of cool. He is basically a modern day Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra rolled into one (minus the ability to sing and the rumours of domestic violence).

Little known fact, Clooney’s Danny Ocean (one of the most charismatic characters in movie history) from the Ocean’s Eleven franchise wasn’t an act. He thought all the cameras were filming a documentary for an A&E Biography; Clooney was just partying with Brad Pitt in Vegas one last time before Angelina Jolie had him neutered.

Unfortunately Clooney is just a little too revered by both men and women to warrant a higher ranking. I don’t know if I’d want to hang out with him for too long; within a month all your friends would like him more than you and he will have slept with every female to ever come in contact with you. The worst part is you couldn’t even be mad at the guy because he’s so damn likable.



Number 3 – Tom Cruise

A small selection of Mr. Cruise’s filmography from 1983-1992: Losin’ It, Risky Business, All the Right Moves, Cocktail, Top Gun, Days of Thunder and A Few Good Men. It is an absolute Murderer’s Row of cinematic greatness.

The best part is that he played the same character in every single film: an arrogant, cocksure playboy who seduced any woman in sight all the while having a shit-eating grin stapled to his face for two hours. Needless to say, I’m a big fan.

Who wouldn’t want to hang out with Joel Goodsen, Lt. Pete Mitchell or Brian Flanagan? The best compliment I’ve ever received was from a woman (she was drunk but hear me out) who told me that I looked like a young Tom Cruise.

However, Tommy only comes away with the bronze for three reasons: 1. He’s 5’3", 2. For that sickening display on Oprah’s couch, 3. For Scientology (I don’t like things I don’t understand).

Many people don’t like Tom Cruise because they think he’s insane. I don’t blame the guy; imagine being constantly told how great you are and never being told no your entire adult life? There’s no way you can remain normal after that. If I had that level of fame, I’d have my own E! True Hollywood Story within six weeks.


Number 2 – Sylvester Stallone

Sly personifies toughness and rugged manliness. Sure, he may be 61 years old but there is a 100% chance he could kick your ass in one of two ways: either with a strategically placed Rambo arrow through the skull or a well-timed Rocky roundhouse punch to the kidneys. Here is a sample of Stallone quotes from the Rocky and Rambo franchises to prove that he is the toughest son of a bitch alive:

"You knock him down, how about tryin’ knockin’ me down"

"Hey Tommy, I didn’t hear no bell"

"My ring’s outside"

"To beat me, he’s going to have to be willing to die and I
don’t think he’s ready to do that"

"Live for nothing or die for something"

"You know what you are, what you’re made of. War is in your blood. When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing"

Why isn’t Sly #1? Well, I agonized over this decision for days, but I couldn’t bring myself to put Stallone at #1 when he’s walking around passing that Halloween mask off as his face. What’s going on there? He looks like he’s melting.

That only leaves . . .

Number 1 – Kevin Costner

Costner, or K-Cost as his close friends call him, is unequivocally the franchise player in Tewk’s Mancrush lineup. Let’s revisit the criteria for attaining Mancrush status and see how K-Cost holds up under intense analysis.

Excessive Handsomeness – Exhibit A above.

Charisma – He literally sweats charisma. Calvin Klein is rumoured to be turning it into a cologne.

Transcendent Talent or Athletic Ability – Costner won two Oscars for Dances with Wolves and is the greatest actor athlete of all time. For proof, check out his swing from Bull Durham, his pitching mechanics in For Love of the Game, his golf game in Tin Cup and even his swimming ability in The Guardian.

"Coolness" – His "cool" quotient was once measured at 7 Kelvins.

Fame – If he’s making an appearance on this blog he’s famous.

Fortune – He has his own jet.

Toughness – He was Wyatt Earp for Chrissakes!

Pipe Laying – I think it goes without saying that Costner is no stranger to the female form. It was even rumoured that he had an affair with Cal Ripken’s wife while the Ironman was putting the finishing touches on his consecutive games streak. A story like that has to be true.

As you can see, there are no weaknesses in Costner’s Mancrush resume. So if anyone out there knows K-Cost, can you show him this article and let him know that I’d be more than willing to help him move or drive him to the airport.

Do you agree with this list? Did I leave anyone out? Post your thoughts to the Comments section.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.

Why I'm Betting $23 on the New York Giants

Every time I'd screw up in a sport, whether it be hockey, baseball, soccer, tennis, golf, bowling, tug of war, ring toss, egg race, and any other picnic related event I'd tell myself "that's okay, nobody's perfect."

"Nobody's Perfect".

So why is it everyone is picking the Patriots to win the Super Bowl? The way I see it, they're due for a loss.

Take a look at this somewhat factual analysis I just made up:

Quarterback:
Tom Brady threw 50 TD passes this season: an NFL record.

Eli Manning is taking care of the ball extremely well thus far in the playoffs: committing no turnovers. Moreover, he is a huge Seinfeld fan. However, he lists one of his favorite hobbies as "antiquing in the offseason with his mother and fiancee."

The Edge: Draw

Running Back:
One of the knocks on Laurence Maroney is that he doesn't hit the hole hard, leaving him very unpopular amongst female fans.

Brandon Jacobs is a freak of nature: at 6'4, 265lbs he possesses 4.54 speed (which, from what I hear, is pretty fast).

The Edge: Giants

Wide Receiver:
Randy Moss' 2007 playoff stats: 2 Receptions, 32 yards

Plaxico Burress' playoff stats: 16 Receptions, 194 yards, 1 rescinded arrest warrant

The Edge: Giants

Defense:
With Junior Seau in their linebacking corps, the average age of the Patriots Defense jumps up to an astonishing 57 years old.

Osi Umenyiora, Justin Tuck, and Michael Strahan combined for 32 sacks on the season.

The Edge: Giants

Coaching:
Bill Belichick: Tapes play calling to gain a competitive advantage.

Tom Coughlin: Doesn't cover up his face in sub zero temperatures.

The Edge: Patriots

Intangibles:
"Nobody's Perfect"

The Edge: Giants

Winner, and your next Super Bowl Champs, the New York Giants.

Rambo: I'll have the testosterone with a side of carnage

Firstly, during the trailers for Rambo we saw a preview for a movie called "Midnight Meat Train" - about a man who murders women on the subway, then covers it up by hiding them in a butcher's shop. Although there was laughter at this pseudo-sexual name, the howls were loudest amongst me and my friends (Tewks included). I mean... who greenlighted this title?

John Rambo is an incredible movie: anyone who says anything different has no testicles. Allow me to give you a brief, spoiler free run down (may contain spoilers):

We join Rambo in Burma where he catches snakes for a living. A group of do-good Christians proposition him to do some guide work further North, as they're trying to bring medical supplies, and, of course, bibles, to victims of a violent civil war.

Rambo's so badass he won't help anyone: "fuck the world", he says. However, since bringing him into contact with the Burmese army is essential to him eventually killing them all, he reluctantly agrees to the job.

After a brief (and bloody) encounter with some badass Burmese pirates, the group arrives at their destination. Of course, they're captured within minutes, setting up the violent, "one man against one hundred to rescue these white people" climax we're all expecting.

But wait: Rambo is joined by a stereotype-ridden United Nations of mercenaries: since, you know, Rambo's getting old, and can't do it by himself any more.

At this point, one wonders how the "Christ Church of Colorado" was able to hire out a half dozen mercenaries. Where would this go on the church ledger?

Church Repairs $ 500
New Organ $ 1,000
Sunday School Supplies $ 50
Asian Mercenaries $ 10,000,000

Nevertheless, the rag-tag group sets out on its journey. Here are the highlights:

Ripping out a guy's throat
Sharpshooting heads off
Lethal Archery
Christians killing the Burmese with rocks
Killing Burmese by the second with a huge, turret man-gun
Outrunning a small atomic blast
Gutting a Burmese general like a fish

So, yeah... although it was reported there were 100 Burmese in the camp, I think that many were killed in the first minute of the assault. Wave after wave of Burmese coming up over the hill, and wave after wave being gunned down by Rambo's man gun.

At the end of the movie, Rambo looks to further reconnect with his past. I missed this part though, since I was distracted with Tewks getting up to leave the theatre: presumably to catch the next flight to Burma.

American Gladiators: Man Journal

In these times of rehashing everything that was once popular, it’s refreshing that one of my favorite programs growing up, American Gladiators, has finally been revamped and updated. Of course, nothing says modernization like using a washed up 80’s wrestling star to host - give me an old pro like Mike Adamle - but nevertheless, it’ll be good to see ‘roided up juice monkeys beat down on regular joes after a 15 year hiatus.

Although other popular sports blogs have popularized the term "running diary", I’ve been told by society that only chicks keep diaries: real men record their daily thoughts in journals. So, this man journal contains the conversation myself and Tewks had during the 2 Hour Premiere of American Gladiators:

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:00 - Ok, here we go. I don't know about you Gretzpo, but I am positively rigid with anticipation.

Gretzpo says:
9:00 - I too am rigid ... wow... looks like they scoured the 4 corners of the earth for an ethnically diverse / stereotype ridden group of gladiators

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:01 - What's the over/under on the number of lesbian female gladiators?

Gretzpo says:
9:02 - I'll tell you once I know how many there are ... remember on the old show? The deaf femlae gladiator? She proved that even those with handicaps can still roid up and beat the hell out of average people

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:03 - I think that was Marlee Matlin's cousin. I miss Mike Adamle and Larry Csonka right now. That intro was brutal.

Gretzpo says:
9:03 - Titan looks gay... Justice looks like he just got out of prison... Hellga ... that's a lot of woman. We'll wait until we see them writhing and sweaty... but some of these female gladiators look pretty hot

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:05 - I'd like to deposit my ball into some of these girls pods.

Gretzpo says:
9:05 - Wow... I was typing that as well... Hulk Hogan can't interview anyone... where's Mean Gene Okurland when you need him?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9: 06 - AA I believe. I like Powerball. Venom; nothing wrong with that.

Gretzpo says:
9:07 - We have our first casualty... it goes to show what kind of shape America's in when they can't last 2 minutes in a game of powerball without getting injured. Although, the real highlight for me in that segment was when the announcer said "Justice Gave Him a Facial": sounded like a John Grisham novel.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:08 - Out in the first event? Way to make your children proud Jessi.

Gretzpo says:
9:09 - First commercial break... one female contender I've already forgotten the name of leads the maimed female contender

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:09 - We could just call them white and black? Is that racist?

Gretzpo says:
9:09 - Is that an aside? Or did you want our faithful readers to see that?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:10 - I don't think he'll care.

Gretzpo says:
9:10 - If you take the names of the Gladiator events and put "Sex" / "Sexual" in front of it... you get yourself a humurous situation ... until you get to "Sexual Assault"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:11 - Chad "The Skater" looks like he wants to ball someone.

Gretzpo says:
9:11 - I don't care much for the skater culture... I hope he tears an ACL

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:13 - I think Wolf is first up for "Sexual Assault."

Gretzpo says:
9:14 - The female version of Gladiators is so far inferior. Why do they even have women compte?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:15 - For the opportunity to see some boobs? Who is this narrator? He makes Ron Mclean's puns look hilarious.

Gretzpo says:
9:16 - "Sexual Joust" ... sounds like a gay movie

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:17 - Oh god. Ok Venus, we get it. You're an immigrant; found the American dream, blah blah blah

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:18 - Dear God Crush is gorgeous.

Gretzpo says:
9:17 - I'll joust with Crush... wow... I'd like to put my pugil stick into her hot spot

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:18 - Easy big fella.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:23 - The women are boring. I would have liked to see some appearances by some of the greats of the show: Nitro, Laser, Wesley "Two Scoops" Barry....

Gretzpo says:
9:23 - Agreed... not enough of an homage to old school... I don't like all the respect the contenders give to the gladiators

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:25 - I like the addition of a pool. Better than those crash pads.

Gretzpo says:
9:25 - Chad... nice little jab at Wolf... uh-oh... "Gotta Move!"... I like this addition of Gladiators pandering to the crowd though... makes me hate them even more

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:26 - I think Chad wants Wolf to do more than just "lay on him."

Gretzpo says:
9:27 - "Sexual Earthquake"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:27 - I like these mythological nicknames. Although 90% of the audience doesn't get it.

Gretzpo says:
9:28 - I like the addition of lean, fit female gladiators... rather than women that could bench press 400 pounds

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:29 - We haven't seen Hellga yet. I think her event is the "Buffet."

Gretzpo says:
9:32 - "Sexual Hit and Run"

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:33 - With a special appearance by Gladiator Rob Ramage.

Gretzpo says:
9:33 - Wow... bravo. What do you think of these new events?

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:34 - This one is too easy. Just stay low and you can't get hit.

Gretzpo says:
9: 35 - I'm hoping they've kept breakthrough and conquer

Gretzpo says:
9:35 - You know... let's just rip off football and wrestling in the same event

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:36 - I hope its still here too. Just use some good old fashioned man muscle.

Gretzpo says:
9:37 - "Sexual Pyramid" ... I actually lost some savings in a sexual pyramid scheme once

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:38 - A hooker in Reno who stole your wallet doesn't constitute a sexual pyramid scheme.

Gretzpo says:
9:38 - "Venom" and "Crush" are the Gladiators... I gotta say... good ratio of hot Gladiators so far

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:39 - I think I just saw a muff dive.

Gretzpo says:
9:45 - We're back... the firefighter beat the tattooed skateboarder in this event... this truly is a microcosm of American society: the hero and the malcontent

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:47 - Ok we need to get rid of the banter between events; I'm losing my semi.

Gretzpo says:
9:49 - This Eliminator is good... new course... swimming under fire... not bad

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:49 - To borrow a line from Dodgeball watching these women work through the Eliminator is like watching a couple of retards trying to hump a doorknob.

Gretzpo says:
9:50 - Okay... wow... that was strangely compelling tv... have someone with a 45 second lead blow it because she couldn't run up a treadmill... she didn't even touch the incline button during her home training

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:51 - Is the black girl still clinging to the treadmill? Can someone help her?

Gretzpo says:
9:52 - I love how everyone brags about "finishing"... I would've just given up

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:53 - As my many ladies can attest, Tewks always finishes what he starts.

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:56 - Laila Ali. Penis or no penis? I think it's a wash.

Gretzpo says:
9:56 - 16 second head start? I'd be finished by then... so to speak... you know... with the obstacle course

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:57 - Of course. I would never impugn your sexual stamina. I'm 90% sure the referee is the same guy from Dodgeball.

Gretzpo says:
9:59 - I researched... he was a former AL umpire

Gretzpo says:
9:59 - Maybe he retired because Robbie Alomar spit on him

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
9:59 - A 100 grand for 12 minutes of work? Not too shabby.

Gretzpo says:
10:00 - It's a competition, not a brothel... that's only for the grand champion ...

Tewks - American Gladiators. says:
10:00 - Final thoughts: I'm sticking with this, just for the opportunity to see Venom and Crush dyke it out. I hate Wolf; where's a silver bullet when you need one.

Gretzpo says:
10:00 - As am I... a quality show... Gretzpo's Sports Blog endorses American Gladiators

Talkin’ with Tewks: Mailbag Edition

As another Christmas season winds to a close, it’s important to sit back and reflect on what’s important and what you are thankful for this year (Notice that I said Christmas season and not holiday season; political correctness can kiss my white conservative ass).

What is Tewks thankful for you ask? Thongs, lower back tattoos, romantic comedies, Hero Burger, hot tubs, coitus interruptus and my perfectly symmetrical facial features.

This is my first attempt at a mailbag: the reader response was tremendous as the blog’s hit meter blew up and an astounding total of 12 questions were posted. This is how it’s going to work: the question will be posted in bold and my answer will follow in normal type.

Q: Tewks really like your stuff; since you are living at home I suppose your parents must be pretty hip people as they can put up with such an outrageous character as yourself; keep up the columns I think Reilly is retiring from sports Illustrated.
- Anonymous


A: This comment proves that my readership extends beyond the typical 18 to 34 age demographic. I mean there’s no way anyone under the age of 50 would ever use the word "hip."

To answer your question, my parents have no knowledge of my escapades, sexual or otherwise. This is because I live in the basement which is separated from the rest of the house. It’s very similar to the underground lair that Buffalo Bill had in Silence of the Lambs. I actually have a girl trapped in my well as we speak; I need a new skin tuxedo for New Year’s Eve.

I appreciate the kind words but I don’t think I would work out at SI. I would spend too much time trying to be the official bikini line shaver of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot.

Q: Since you are "Survivor's #1 Fan", I have a question along those lines. If they were to do a MLB Survivor show involving many different athletic challenges and other survival based activities, who would be victorious, Pitchers or Position Players? The only reason I ask, is that I once played on a team where pitchers thought it was outrageous that the position players could out play them in a game of baseball. It was clear who was boss when the pitchers were sodomized in a 2 inning mercy (>10 runs). Tewks, my question is, would the pitchers remain the real 'catchers' (not that there's anything wrong with being a faggot) in an all encompassing 'survivor' challenge? If you believe the Pitchers would be able to outlast, outplay, and ultimately top the Position Players, please explain how, in detail.
- 2006 Ontario Batting Champion

A: Unfortunately I do know the identity of this miscreant who identifies himself as the 2006 Ontario Batting Champion (which is akin to being the best-smelling turd in a shit pile). I will just say this about him: if he had any real baseball talent, he would have warranted an entire chapter to himself in the Mitchell Report.

The views expressed by Mr. Batting Champion in regards to sodomy, ‘catchers’ and faggots are not those of Tewks or Gretzpo’s Sports Blog. Mr. BC seems to be a little too hung up on deriding homosexuals in his rant; methinks the lady doth protest too much.

An MLB Survivor Challenge? I am intrigued by the concept. First off, any challenge that involves puzzles or requires any intelligence whatsoever would be won handily by pitchers. Position players are little more than mouth-breathing Neanderthals who swing clubs for a living. Pitchers are, in my opinion, the most cerebral athletes in sports.

What players make up these respective teams? If the pitchers’ tribe is made up of dregs like Josh Towers or Tanyon Sturtze, the players would win easily. If you put stars versus stars like Greg Maddux, Roy Halladay and Curt Schilling against Albert Pujols, Andruw Jones and David Wright then it would be no contest. The pitchers would use their superior gray matters to outwit, their athletic prowess to outplay and their stamina and conditioning to outlast.

Q: Tewks, great of you to lend a helping hand. I have been in need of some council for a little while now. I have been suffering from CWAD (Chubby Woman Attractive Disorder). Since the middle of October, I've found myself in bed with two real heifers, and it's disturbing. People think I'm an asshole for hating fat people. But that's just not the truth. I value self-respect higher than other people. I'm extremely turned on when I see someone who visibly respects themself. And it's easy to see who does, and who doesn't. Those who chose to be fat clearly do so willingly, and therefore don't have any self-respect. What I ask of other people, is how can you respect a fat person, when they're choosing consciously to present themselves in such fashion? I know I'm not actually attracted to them, that's just preposterous. What should I do about my current trend? And what, as society, should we do to make sure these heifers become locked up, safely quarantined from us 'real' people?
- 6PACK4LIFE

A: Wow. I am legitimately terrified to answer this question for fear of reprisal from the ‘heifers’ that 6PACKFORLIFE apparently slept with. I don’t think you actually hate fat people; you slept with two of them. One transgression is a mistake; two is consciously acting upon your latent desires. Face it 6PACK, you love big women.

The idea of self-respect is another issue. I have no problem with fat people; if they choose to live their lives as unfit and unhealthy that’s their prerogative. My problem is with fat people who ‘"say" they want to lose weight and then complain that they’ve tried all kinds of diets and nothing works. Listen to your man Tewks: losing weight is not rocket science. Each day, burn off more calories than you shove down your throat and weight will come off. It’s that simple.
Lastly, I have to admit that I LOL’d at the thought that fat people are contagious and should be quarantined.

Q: Tewks, finally something worth reading graces the World Wide Web. Although I enjoy your insight on the National Football League, I find your support for the Dallas cowboys despicable. Myself being a die hard eagles fan, I have disregarded all of your Super Bowl picks as a direct boycott toward "America’s Team". But I digress; I wanted to know your take on the currently released Mitchell Report. Do you think this list will effect hall of fame voting for players like Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield etc.?
Oz

Q: Tewks on a serious note - with the George Mitchell inquiry identifying a number of superstars as being on the juice (including the self proclaimed pitching deity "the rocket") how will baseball handle potential hall of fame inductees - will all be ignored or will the deity still make it?
Dwight from Scranton

A: There were a number of people wanting to discuss the Mitchell Report, so with a heavy heart (I too was a Gregg Zaun supporter) I will address the steroids issue now.

I do think that the Mitchell Report and the entire steroids era will impact Hall of Fame voting. Players known just for their prodigious home run power (McGwire, Sosa and power hitters of that ilk) will fall well below the requisite number of votes to reach the Hall.

Clemens and Bonds have nothing to worry about. They were surefire Hall of Famers before their alleged steroid use.

A player like Gary Sheffield is different. I’d argue that, if clean, he has compiled a career worthy of eventual HOF induction. However, I think his use of performance-enhancing drugs will deter most baseball writers from voting him in (and rightly so).

Oz, I appreciate the kind words but if you don’t like my "disrespect" of your Philadelphia Eagles, than perhaps you should support a team whose quarterback eats something other than Chunky Soup (and doesn’t dry heave in the huddle during the Super Bowl).

Q: I was wondering if you caught the Tyra Banks show today. Tyra interviewed Alyssa Milano. (I figured there's a good chance that you watch since you're unemployed and live at home with the parentals.) Alyssa unveiled her new line of baseball apparel for women. She complained of companies marketing sports-fan clothing for women in hideous, non-figure flattering designs. Oh and everything in pink. Her new line offers female baseball fans the choice of cute dresses, stylish baseball influenced blouses and close fitting hoodies. Was wondering what you think of this clothing line and if you think it will be successful in allowing women to simultaneously channel their inner sports fan and fashionista. (as everyone knows that any self respecting woman does not want to dress like the fat slob beside her at the baseball game who is 'pounding brews' with the fellas and looking like a big hot mess). Furthermore, if women can look hot while taking in a game, do you think that this will make women more likely to want to waste a few solid hours watching a painfully boring sport such as baseball?
Anonymous

A: I think it’s safe to say this is my first question from a reader with two X chromosomes. Not only can women vote, but they can have their questions answered in a second-rate sports blog.

I do not watch the Tyra Banks show; she scares me. She looks like one of those mythical Amazon lesbian warriors. I prefer to watch Maury Povich baby daddy paternity tests.

I’m surprised that Alyssa Milano found time in her busy schedule of nailing every member of the National League to design clothes (Carl Pavano, Barry Zito and Brad Penney to name three). If you took a black light to Ms. Milano’s fluid-stained bed sheets, it would look like a goddamn Jackson Pollock painting. That being said, I like the idea of baseball apparel for women as long as the team colours are involved. Pink jerseys, hats, shirts etc. look like the remnants of a Pepto Bismol projectile vomit. I’m not going to dignify your last comment with a response.

Q: I've tried everything to meet women... up to and including being on a Canadian Game Show. Now when I try and use that as a line I'm told that I am "The Weakest Link" ... "goodbye." Any tips?
Anonymous

A: Now this is just pathetic. Gretzpo, under the guise of one of my fans, has implored me to help him pick up women. Unfortunately, this is impossible. To borrow a phrase from Seinfeld (the greatest show ever), me teaching someone to seduce women is akin to asking Picasso how to paint like him.

Q: Longtime reader, first time poster. Tewks, since you seem to be an aficionado in comparative "literature" why don't you parallel another match-up: Randy Moss and Terrell Owens? Okay, okay in keeping with the silver platter of your fan posts, I'll now move on to baseball. Do you think that the Mitchell Report (not the one about the Middle East) will impact the attendance rates this year? Why was Bonds targeted for steroid-use over someone like Roger Clemens? Is there another non-racial explanation? Happy blog trails.
Mrs. Crash Davis

A: Exactly what am I supposed to parallel? Who would I rather have on my team? To quote Lieutenant Sam Weinberg, I’d take Moss everyday and twice on Sunday. While both players have transcendent talent and are prone to lapses in "effort" from time to time, I think Moss has a bigger heart.

If this was the movie Rudy, Moss would be Daniel E. "Rudy" Reuttiger and TO would be his brother Frank, who could have made All Conference if he wasn’t such a pussy (Coach Gillespie’s words, not mine). Therefore, with a game on the line, I’d want to be throwing to Randy Moss.
The Mitchell Report will have no deleterious effects on MLB attendance rates this year. The explanation for Bonds being targeted for steroids and not Clemens has nothing to do with race.

It has to do with the fact that Bonds is a colossal prick.

Q: Tewks, knowing that you enjoy the company of a woman late at night, here's a ladies question. At what point is a girl too drunk to take home? Does it depend on how hot the girl is/how drunk you are?
Creep

A: Wow. This question is like the beginning of a sexual assault instructional video. I’m sure Roman Polanski is awaiting my response with bated breath.

However, don’t think for a minute I will not answer this question. If the lady is coherent and can walk under her own power, then you’re ok. Anything less would be uncivilized.

Q: Just one question: Boxers or briefs?
Sexy Sadie

A: The only people privy to that information are the ladies that I frequent with. If you play your cards right, maybe you’ll be able to answer that question for yourself.

Q: The other night ESPN aired a one hour special, Capital One Presents: NFL Legends. The show was narrated by (the man) Tom Selleck and highlighted the careers of NFL QBs Manning, Brady and Favre (all of whom you have addressed in your previous columns). Selleck constantly (and not surprisingly) compared the three to Joe Montana. In your opinion, with Montana as the standing example, who best embodies an "NFL Legend"?Also, who would you do?
Sexy Sadie

A: You may wonder why I decided to answer two questions from Sadie. Well, she promised me a spirited bout of fellatio if I posted both of her comments. So now all of you know how to get more than question posted in a future mailbag.

Right now I’ll have to give the title of NFL Legend to Tom Brady because of his three Super Bowl victories (soon to be four).

Who would I do? Come on, that’s a no brainer. Tom Selleck, hands down. And I wouldn’t just lay there.

Tewks is a frequent contributor to Gretzpo’s Sports Blog.

Mitchell Report: Lost Files

As our readership grows, so does our commitment to provide you with the sort of fictional cutting edge news stories you won't find on other free blogging sites with a weekly readership of 15.

So, as we head into the new year, it's only right that we tarnish more reputations with "The Mitchell Report: The Lost Files". The following four names appeared in this special edition previously unreleased to the public:

#1. 1980 U.S. Men's Hockey Team (Olympic Gold Medal Winners)

Do you believe in miracles!?! No... not really.

#2. Clubber Lang (Former Heavyweight Champion)

He lives alone, he trains alone, he juices alone. Two instances of unmitigated aggression point to Clubber's use of performance enhancing drugs: his infamous "Hey Woman" diatribe at Rocky's statue unveiling, and his slaughtering of an endangered bald eagle to fashion himself a pair of designer ear rings.



#3. Al Bundy (Polk High's all-time leading rusher, recorded 4 TD in one game)

Remember how this show was lewd for it's time, and was a groundbreaker for smut in prime time television in the 90's? It was amazing how anything could be related back to sex:

Al: And I would've scored 5 TD in one game had I not been 6 inches short that day.

Peg: It's ironic... now you're 6 inches too short in the bedroom every night!

Laugh Track: (Howls)

Sitcom Writing 101 by Ferguson Gretzposito: in stores now.

#4. Jimmy Chitwood (Hickory Huskers leading scorer, malcontent)

The 'roids gave Chitwood the confidence to make his famous "I'll Make It" guarantee against South Bend Central High School in the 1951 Indiana State High School Basketball Championships. On a professional level, this is the same sort of confidence Roger Clemens gained to have him actually pitch well in a game that mattered.

Gretzpo

The Funniest Trailer in the History of the World

Merry Christmas from all of us here at Gretzpo's sports blog.

A couple of my jerkass friends made a movie, and here's the trailer for it. Of course, their success makes me spiteful and bitter ... but I have to admit that it looks pretty good.



All the best in the new year,

Gretzpo

Gregg Zaun: A Retraction

Gregg Zaun is the epitome of all that is wrong in sports. If that scowl had a caption, it would read: "I just roided up and am looking to strike someone."

My favorite Gregg Zaun moments: every time he was humiliated trying to throw a runner out at second, and every weak pop fly he hit with runners in scoring position. I once met Laura MacDonald, John MacDonald's wife, during a food drive: one of the first things I asked her was, "where's Gregg Zaun's wife?" Apparently she was hosting the steroid drive down the street.

Zaun's got one of those great names that's pretty much a nickname built in: "Zauner". Unfortunately, I'll be referring to him as "Jerk", "Cheater", or "Douchebag" from now on.

Things were not always this way... my fandom for Cheater was once unparalelled:

http://gretzposito.blogspot.com/2007/09/tribute-to-gregg-zaun.html

Special Guest Column: Innocence Lost

When you saw the title you probably thought this column would be about Tewks and a nubile, young woman... but you're mistaken.

This is an entry where my good buddy C-Szem discusses the Mitchel Report and it's fallout.

=====

This is my first guest column in this space. I had intended for my first foray into the blogging world to be insightful, but humourous. My predecessors on this blog have managed to entertain the readers, and I had hoped to do the same. But today, my passion for sport compels me to offer my first entry with a far more serious tone. I hope that you’ll come back to read more. Without ado.....

These are dark days. As a baseball fan, this seems an obvious statement. But from a societal perspective, on a day when heroes were torn down with a swift, 409 page report, the world seems a slightly more hardened place.

I’ll preface this column with the admission that today’s report included the name of one of my personal favourite players, Gregg Zaun. Zaun is, or so I thought he was, a player that embodies everything I value in sport. Hard-work, determination, taking every last bit of effort possible and achieving more than God-given talents should warrant. And now I feel like Gregg Zaun has dropped my heart into a bucket of boiling tears, and then hit my soul in the groin with a frozen sledgehammer.

The release of United States Senator George Mitchell’s report regarding his probe into steroids and performance enhancing drugs in the world of professional baseball leaves us with more questions than answers. The probe was intended to provide closure on an era marred by uncertainty and suspicion, but it seems that it’s done nothing to appease anyone. The report spreads the blame to all areas of baseball, for enabling the behaviour that eventually ran rampant throughout the game. And what was accomplished by this?

Yes, we identified some names that confirmed suspicions to this point. Roger Clemens started taking steroids in 1998, and went on to have arguably the most significant career resurrection ever seen by a pitcher over 33 years of age. Eric Gagne started taking steroids, and went from a middling starting pitcher with a 93 mph fastball, to an absolutely lights out closer with a 98 mph fastball. These are NOT revelations. Further, we identified that players like Mike Lansing and the immortal F.P. Santangelo took steroids, presumably to prolong their careers as their skills diminished below the required level to maintain employment in professional baseball. Again, this is NOT a revelation.

So what DID Senator Mitchell’s report accomplish? It managed to turn an entire generation of baseball fans cynical to everything they see. Until now, fans still had the option to respect the history and the tradition of the game, and enjoy every accomplishment with the necessary reverence. Baseball fans in general (at least those outside of Boston) wanted to believe that a 45 year old man could take the hill every 5 days and be a dominant starter. It’s a great story, really. But now, with the definitive tone of the report, it seems that every accomplishment in the world of sports will be questioned in the court of public opinion. Athletes that have evidently done things "the right way" will, even if not formally accused, have a shadow cast over their accomplishments. Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, every sprinter that breaks the 100 m World Record, every cyclist who wins the Tour de France….these people will all feel the effects of increasing cynicism (Note: I have long held disdain for Alex Rodriguez, but unless having purple lips and cheating on your wife are included in the unfortunate side effects of steroids, the guy’s clean. But how can anyone break a record now without having it called into question, at least a little).

Certainly the argument could be made that scepticism in the fans/media of baseball was already extremely prevalent, and naturally this is true. The breadth and scope of this report, however, will make it seemingly impossible for players to improve their skills without suspicion. If you woke up Thursday morning confident that Mark McGwire never took performance enhancing drugs, then I don’t know what to tell you (other than that you live in a dream world), but if you (like me) went into work on Thursday feeling like it was possible for "good stories" to exist in the world of sport, this report has hit you the hardest. Brian Roberts (2B for the Baltimore Orioles…..for now) is a good example. Here’s a guy who seemed to steadily improve throughout his career, and then it culminated in a really big year, and a few quite strong years to follow – that’s a good story! Sure it would never make the first 10 minutes of Sportscentre, but this is the kind of accomplishment that should give hope to every underachiever that loves to play sports. Benito Santiago and Gregg Zaun, two catchers seemingly well past their primes, battled through whatever earlier career problems they had, and became productive players in the latter stages of their career. Again, this is a good story. With the release of this report, however, how is a baseball fan expected to accept improvement and excellence for being honest effort and hard work?

But the problem runs much deeper than scepticism in the world of baseball. Baseball has long been America’s pastime, and has embodied values that closely reflect that of society. This has been obvious throughout the history of the game. Jackie Robinson breaking the colour barrier was not only a seminal moment in sport, but a major occurrence in the civil rights movement within American society.

With today’s report, I can’t help but wonder if December 13th, 2007 will be a date that lives in infamy, not only in the future of sport within North American society, but also in the way society interacts with, and views, the games that have been held so dearly over the last 100 or so years. Today’s report merged politics and sport unlike ever before, and with the sports-obsessed society we live in, it seems likely that the apparent transparency of the report today will become the new gold standard for the information desired by the public in regards the games they follow so closely.

But is this a good thing? Part of the allure of sport is the unknown – which leads to the reverence we pay to the athletes who can achieve things the rest of us only dream of. The increased flow of information between the world of sports and the public feeds the desire to be closer to the games than ever before. The more and more we know, the less the mystique that remains. And with every factoid or revelation, a little bit of innocence is lost.

C-Szem

Talkin' With Tewks: Readers of this Blog Unite!

There are three reasons why I’m writing a blog entry well in advance of my monthly foray into journalistic excellence.

First, I am currently unemployed and I live at home with my parents. Writing for this blog is the only thing stopping me from taking a bath with a hair dryer.
Second, I have a burning desire to gloat. All four of the teams I picked to play in the NFL conference championships won on Sunday, proving that I, along with Bill Belichick, have an unparalleled football mind.

(Also, did anyone see who named Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year? Brett Favre. That might have been the worst moment of my week. Who else was in the running? Michael Vick and Barry Bonds?)

Third, the stress of coming up with Pulitzer Prize-worthy column ideas is getting to me. I’m about ten days away from channeling my inner Hemingway, moving down to Key West and drinking myself stupid for the rest of my life.

This is why I am imploring my dozens of readers to help your good buddy Tewks in his time of need. Post any sports, popular culture or "man" questions or comments to the "comments" section at the end of this entry. I will answer every question that gets posted in my next column.

For example, if someone could comment on how to properly seduce a woman, this advice would prove invaluable to Gretzpo. We went out drinking on Saturday night and he wasted three hours talking to a masculine looking female (there’s a 35% chance she had a penis) and couldn’t close the deal. Clay Aiken has better game than Mr. Gretzpo.

Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog

Seperated At Birth?

A Shout Out to My Readers...

In an effort to build up a loyal fan base ... I will now profile all of the cities that had visitors to my site this week (not counting Tewks' constant refreshing to try and convince me that his columns bring in more visits). Hey, it's not a tremendous column idea, but it's not like I'm previewing the penultimate games of the NFL Season six weeks prematurely:

#1: Chino, California

First in khaki pant fashion, first in your hearts.

Whoa... whoa... according to WikiPedia, "Chino was used as a location during the filming of the movie 'Back To The Future', particularly the farmland setting when Marty first travels back in time to 1955."

Chino, California: come for the pants, stay for the Hollywood nostalgia.

Here's the thing about Back to the Future: sure, Marty was pre-occupied with trying to save his life and get back to the 80's ... but he couldn't use his skills and knowledge of the future to seduce at least one woman that wasn't his mother?

You've got to hand it to the citizens of Chino though: when negatively depicted in the once popular show "The OC", the citizens and local government voiced their discontent to FOX. Apparently they thought the show had long term viability.

#2: Lincoln, Nebraska

Ah... here's a city in which I'm vaguely familiar: it's actually the capital of Nebraska... whereas I would've guessed Omaha.

Apparently the hub of Lincoln drinking culture is downtown on "O Street". Which gives drunken University of Nebraska students the greatest pick-up opportunity ever:

"Hey baby... you've seen O Street... now how about I take you to O Town?"

"I don't understand... you mean like that short lived boy band?"

"No... like an orgasm. **Awkward Pause** Go Cornhuskers Go."

#3: Richmond, Virginia

Apparently Richmond is ranked as one of the friendliest cities in America. Honestly... not too much to say about Richmond... hmm... birthplace of legendary womanizer Warren Beatty.

Richmond has the distinction of bringing the United States together - Patrick Henry's rallying Revolutionary speech, "Give me Liberty or Give me Death" took place in Richmond - and also tearing it apart, as the capital of the Confederacy.

The capital of the Confederacy. Is that thing still around?
No?
So racial harmony must exist in the southern states now?
No?
Then what was the war about?

All right kids... that wraps things up... and now for a piece of sports wisdom:

An athlete that gives up on his team is like a girl that gives up on a blowjob: you're better off on your own, taking matters into your own hands.

Gretzpo

Talkin’ With Tewks

** Gretzpo Note: I'll no longer refer to Tewks as a guest columnist... since... in all honesty... he writes just as much as I do on here...

So, in summation, Tewks is many things: a liar, a womanizer, a cheat, a scoundrel, and a leech... but a guest? Not any more...

Talkin’ With Tewks

Based on the overwhelming reader response from my last column, Gretzpo, in a rare moment of clarity, begged me to flex some more journalistic muscle.

It was quite embarrassing to be perfectly honest; he was more pathetic than Britney Spears trying to ram her pontoon-like thighs into a pair of leather pants and parading herself up and down the streets of West Hollywood looking to score another rock of crystal meth.

With American Thanksgiving behind us, it seems that all of North America is concerned with only one sport: football. While I am an expert in many things (the Kama Sutra for example), football is not one of them.

My closest experience to playing the game is religiously watching Two-A-Days on MTV (in my next life, I am coming back as a 16-year-old high school quarterback from Alabama with bad hair and zero reading skills).

Therefore, I am more than qualified to write an NFL playoff preview. Actually, scratch that. I have such faith in my prognosticating abilities that I will give my picks for the Conference championships complete with in-depth, hard-hitting football analysis of the participating teams.

My knowledge of NFL franchises is limited to teams that osmosize (yeah, I made up a word) into my brain between reruns of Access Hollywood and NBC’s To Catch a Predator. Thus, here are the four teams that produce the heartiest collective hard-on among the mainstream media.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW
GREEN BAY PACKERS VERSUS DALLAS COWBOYS

Espn.com tells me that the Packers and the Cowboys have separated themselves as the class of the National Football Conference. Both teams have won more games than they’ve lost, so I suppose the crack ESPN staff is correct in their assertion.

The Packers are led by their peerless quarterback, the Right and Honourable Brett Favre. There’s something about Favre that I dislike; I think it has to do with pretentious way he pronounces his name. I mean its spelled F-A-V-R-E: it should be pronounced "fave-er" or "fav-re", not "farve." To me, he’s the Derek Jeter of the NFL.

Before all of my Wisconsin readers throw down their wheels of cheese to write harshly worded emails with their fat little fingers, I will say this: Brett Favre is a great quarterback. He is a surefire Hall of Famer and has two of the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

Unfortunately, Favre is also hideously overrated. To hear football pundits talk about him, you would think he’s the Second Coming of Christ, but with a stronger right arm. He is the all-time leader in touchdown passes with 436, but also the all-time leader in interceptions thrown with 283.

Here’s a free tip from Tewks: if you fling enough crap against a wall, some of it is bound to stick. This is how Brett Favre runs an NFL offense.

Yes, Favre led the Packers to a Super Bowl Title in 1997, but he was so strung out on prescription painkillers that there’s an excellent chance he doesn’t remember anything from the past 10 years.

I refuse to devote more than a paragraph to the Dallas Cowboys due to Tony Romo’s actions this past year. Not only did Romo date my future wife, Carrie Underwood, but he had the audacity to break up with her so he could "concentrate on football." Apparently Tony Romo is gay. I will heal your broken heart Carrie. Have no fear, Tewks is here.

The pick: Packers 21, Cowboys 14

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS VERSUS INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

I am not going to get on my moral high horse and bash the Patriots because of the early season cheating scandal. Yes, Bill Belichick is a smarmy little weasel who would steal your wife if you turned your back, but there is no denying that he has an unparalleled football mind.

He is taking it upon himself to punish every team he plays this year for those who think the Patriots three Super Bowl titles are tainted. And I am all for mercilessly beating a weaker opponent to show one’s domination.

Even Tom Brady has impressed me this year. I always thought his success was just a byproduct of a great offensive system put in place by Belichick, but his numbers this year are phenomenal. I have no problem saying that he is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. Plus, I feel a little sorry for him. Bridget Moynahan, worried Tommy was going to break up with her, deceitfully got herself pregnant with his kid so he’d always be in her life. The lesson: women are pure evil.

Brady couldn’t get any offense past the Colt’s secondary in last year’s AFC championship game, but apparently the uterus poses no problem for him.

No one is giving the defending Super Bowl champion Colts a chance against the Patriots; everyone is practically handing the Patriots their fourth title this decade. This is a terribly shortsighted view especially when God is a Colts fan. Tony Dungy, a devout Christian, is a terrific football coach and is in charge of a very similar group of players to last year’s championship squad.

Out of any teams in the NFL, only the Colts can match the Patriots in both offensive and defensive prowess. Talent-wise, there is little difference between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss or Dwight Freeney and Teddy Bruschi.

This game will be decided with the intangibles that separate good teams from great teams. The team that limits their turnovers and penalties, executes on special teams and capitalizes on their opponent’s mistakes will emerge victorious in this heavily anticipated rematch from last year.

Ordinarily, I would never bet against the defending champions especially one as powerful as the Indianapolis Colts. Unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience pick a team whose coach doesn’t believe in the theory of evolution.

The Pick: Patriots 27, Colts 24

Tewks writes one column a month for Gretzpo’s Sports Blog

Random Shots...

I've been told to start blogging... as my good buddy Tewks doesn't want to be associated with someone who doesn't update his blog... even though he has no problem associating himself with a life of sloth, gluttony... and pretty much any of the remaining deadly sins.

Has anyone seen that new Canon PowerShot commercial with Maria Sharapova? Wow... I'd roll over for her...

... I don't entirely know what that means... I guess you can interpret that as "roll over and get some sleep after I've had relations with her".

So with the writer's strike dragging on... and my career as a business analyst for a plateauing Canadian retailer... well... plateauing... I'm starting to think of other potential careers... sports or entertainment related:

#1: Reality Show Creator

Why hasn't HBO jumped on the reality show bandwagon yet? I mean... here's a channel that can exploit all of man's vices... and they don't have any unscripted shows? Well... that will all change with mine and Tewk's HBO Reality Show Pitch: "Roman's Empire".

"How about this: we release a dozen nubile, young women into an elaborate labyrinth. If they can escape without being raped by Roman Polanski ... they win $500,000."

"You're both monsters"

"How about this: you plant naked photos of Meadow Soprano somewhere in the building... and we have 30 minutes to find them."

"That's not even a show."

"How about we just get some naked pictures of your secretary?"

"Get out of my office."

#2. General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs

It doesn't seem like this job would be too hard. The trick seems to be to do what every philosophy and communications student does when they choose their major: mortgage the future.

#3. Director of Marketing: Apple Computers

"Music is my boyfriend... music is my girlfriend... music is my king size bed... my music... is where... I want you... to touch... "

What the hell does that even mean? We get it... you're passionate about music... who thinks up these things?

My ICommercials would pack huge IPunch. You know those DirecTV commercials where actors reprise famous characters? Charlie Sheen... Shannon Elizabeth... Pamela Anderson...

Mine would be similar: but with only Karate Kid Characters...

"Get him an IPod for Christmas... YEAH!!!!!"

"What's a matter Daniel? Mommy not here to program your IPhone for you?"

And finally... some sort of montage involving a drunk Mr. Miyagi and his user friendly IMac.

Gretzpo

Guest Column: Talkin' With Tewks

Gooooood Morning Vietnammmmmm!!!!

Live from a brothel in Phnom Penh, this is the maiden voyage of the journalistic vessel known as Talkin' with Tewks. This is the first in a series of guest columns that will give both readers of this blog a chance to experience the work of a talented writer.

First, a little background on me: I am Tewks, an immature man-child who enjoys "all you can eat" ribs and paying for sex. Gretzpo has been on hiatus for the past month; the perils of internet superstardom led to an extended stay at the Promises Rehab facility. Now he just spends his days trying to convince Lindsay Lohan that his small penis is a cocaine-flavoured lollipop.We hope to have him back soon. Now, without further a-choo . . .

Derek Jeter versus Alex Rodriguez

For the past decade, there has been an ongoing debate among baseball purists over who is the better all-around player: Derek Jeter or Alex Rodriguez.

Some fans maintain that Alex Rodriguez has a better skill set and more talent than Jeter, but Jeter possesses certain intangible qualities that cannot be quantified with statistics. He is looked upon as a true leader, who raises his game in the clutch and baptizes heathen babies in his spare time.

Rodriguez is thought to be a fragile prima donna who cannot perform with the game on the line and enjoys the company of muscle-bound, androgynous strippers (although that last part is disturbingly true).

Both players exploded onto the baseball landscape in 1996. Beginning his career with the Seattle Mariners, Rodriguez captured the American League Rookie of the Year award as a 19 year old hitting .358 with 36 home runs. Likewise, in the 1996 playoffs, the first tale in the legend of Derek Jeter was created in the ALCS against the Baltimore Orioles. Jeter hit a deep fly to left field. A young fan reached into the field of play and snatched the ball out of the air. The umpiring crew, probably distracted by Jeter’s piercing gaze and chiseled features, incorrectly determined that the sure out was in fact a home run.

This fraud home run was the beginning of Jeter’s reputation as one of the greatest playoff performers the sport has ever known.

There is no question that Jeter and A-Rod were the cream of the shortstop crop throughout the late 1990s until 2004, when A-Rod was traded to the Yankees and accepted a move to third base. There is not a baseball scout alive that would rank Jeter as being a superior shortstop to Rodriguez.

A-Rod has better range, a better glove and a vastly stronger arm than Jeter. It is the media who perpetrates the myth that Jeter is a phenomenal shortstop; he’s good, not great. Every October, Tim McCarver and Joe Buck fawn over Jeter like a couple of freshmen coeds at a frat party looking to lose their virginity to the star quarterback after too many Zinfandels.

Why did A-Rod move to third and Jeter stay at short? Rodriguez offered to switch because he did not want to create controversy. If Rodriguez gave the Yankees a stronger defense and Jeter is "all about the team", wouldn’t he have offered to move to second and give A-Rod short?

This did not happen because Jeter wanted to remain "The Man" and continue his monopoly on trolling every club in Manhattan preying on coked out, bottom-feeding C-list actresses and models.

During the 2006 season, Rodriguez was scuffling at the plate and the New York media and Yankees fans were mercilessly booing the star third baseman.

Jeter, as Captain America, should have stood up for his teammate and encourage the media to back off. Instead he acted all pissy because Mariah Carey would rather eat vats of Haagen-Dazs ice cream than engage in 37 seconds of uncomfortable sex with a "True Yankee."

In terms of regular season statistics, A-Rod is one of the greatest players of all time. Jeter profits from playing under the New York spotlight: if he was producing similar numbers for the Kansas City Royals, he wouldn’t have legions of white, middle-aged sportswriters trying to hide their man-crush induced erections every time he steps to the plate.

While Rodriguez does not come close to replicating his regular season stats in the playoffs, the supposed discrepancy between the two players just isn’t there. Look at the 2007 Divisional Series: A-Rod finished with a higher batting average, slugging percentage, more home runs and more total bases than the media-anointed Mr. Clutch.

Well, my refractory period just ended so I have some business to attend to.

Until next time sports fans.

Tewks writes a column for this blog whenever he feels like it.

We're Gonna Need a Montage...

So I’m watching the Cleveland Indians destroy the New York Yankees on Monday night … down 2-1 in the series, and down 6-3 in the bottom of the ninth, Bobby Abreu smacks a home run to right field to close the gap to two runs.

And what do I hear?

The home run song from "The Natural".

I was taken aback: was the greatest song in baseball movie history, celebrating the biggest home run in movie history, being used to celebrate a gap closing home run in game 4 of the ALDS?

Apparently it was … but from my shock and awe came a sorely needed idea for a column: the greatest sports movie songs and montages of all time. In no particular order:

Rocky I - "Gonna Fly Now"
The montage that started it all. It’s hard to believe that I was -8 years old when this movie came out: but I feel like I’ve watched it enough for multiple lifetimes.

30 seconds into his run in the apparent shanty town that is Philadelphia, a local vendor throws Rocky an orange: symbolizing the bond between Philadelphia and it’s native son. Judging by the slums he’s running in, I’m surprised he wasn’t thrown a switchblade.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EADM_Ak3GTg

Rocky IV - "No Easy Way Out"
I want this to be my wedding song. When I was younger I used to pay homage to the Rocky series by naming all of the scenes during this song and when they occurred over the course of the franchise. Now I pay homage to this song by not watching the road when I drive, and slamming my car into neutral because I like to pretend I’m switching gears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htKpqgaPD9E

Rocky III - The Clubber Montage
I can’t find this montage on YouTube. All I can find is the beach montage where Apollo and Rocky finally declare their man-love for each other …

Rocky III - The Homo-Erotic Montage
"HO HO HO HO! Very nice!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgWP57cNNMM

Damn I love this movie. A very under-the-radar aspect of this film is Paulie’s unabashed racism:
"I don’t like these people"
"He can’t train to this jungle music!"
"You can’t train him like a coloured fighter"

No way Paulie gets away with that in 2006 … the directors had to turn his racism to another target: Native Americans.

Rudy - Spring Training
Ah… "5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’" Rudy Ruttiger living his dream on the Notre Dame football field. The highlight of this montage is the scene about 3 minutes in:

After being humiliated during a tackling drill, a defiant Rudy stands up to run the drill again:

"C’mon! Let’s do it again"
"Nah… you had your chance… get out of here"
"No! I can do it!"
"You can do it? Let’s see!"

Which is eerily similar to what was said the night I lost my virginity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnPxOttpVdI

Karate Kid - Ralph Macchio becomes a man
Daniel LaRusso is able to regain the love of Ali Mills with the help of his "bobbing for apples" kissing technique. Think the music during this video is cheesy? I listened to it on my way into work today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmwR94DFEes

Clip is a bit lengthy... but a great watch.

Karate Kid - "You’re the best: around! Nothing’sgonnaeverkeepyoudown!"
The ultimate montage, in my opinion. Watch as Daniel takes out seemingly more talented opponents using a wide array of martial arts tactics including: side-step and chop to the back of the head, front kick to unguarded midsection, and the devastating "block slow punch/score with even slower punch" combo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fWvub_WBho

The Natural - The Final Home Run
Did anyone think to test Roy Hobbes for HGH after this mammoth shot?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGH_mtib9fo

Let me tell you a little story about baseball: I’m playing for my high school team, the Blue Devils. Not once had we won a game: two on, two out, down by a run … Ellis comes to the plate and hits a go ahead single: you’ve got yourself a legacy going baby!

Yes… my legacy is the fact that I kept my high school baseball team from going 0 and 7 on the year.

Rocky IV - First Training Montage
Isn’t it ridiculous that I have to qualify a movie by saying that it’s the "first" training montage, because there are two montages?

I’m sorry… did I say "ridiculous"? I meant to say "awesome".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7Kg_w-0y_w

A good friend of mine lived out two of the scenes in this movie: he pushed a car out of the snow and jogged off, and dropped his weight after a tricep curl. On the contrary, I once gave myself a hernia chopping wood at my grandparent’s farm.

That wraps it up… my foray into NFL prognostication did not go well: my Week 5 record? 2-9-1. Needless to say … I’m conceding to the coin.

Week 5 NFL Picks

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Agent Michael Scarn Presents: 2007/2008 NHL Preview

Ah… another Wednesday, another blog. Soon two great times of the year will be upon us: the start of the NHL Season, and the start of Season 4 of The Office. So because of this (and partly because quoting makes column writing easier) here’s your 2007/2008 NHL Preview: "The Office" version…

"I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey, the mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that... I was good."

The Teams: Columbus, Atlanta, Nashville, Minnesota, Florida, Phoenix, Carolina.

Similarly to Dwight's school play, the NHL has too many teams: in a lot of these cities, even the citizens wouldn’t notice if their NHL team vanished. And with the new parity of the Canadian dollar, arguments for cities such as Winnipeg, Quebec City and Hamilton have never been stronger.

"I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

The Teams: San Jose, Chicago

These are the youngest teams in the league, and both are in the Western Conference: only the Sharks are going to be any good.

"In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion, you're dead."

The Team: Montreal

I don’t know who the most injured team was last year, but from the way you’d hear their fans bitch and complain, I’m guessing that it was Les Habitants.

Also … can we stop judging injuries by the term "man games"? Am I alone in thinking that this is a very homosexual term?

"We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy"

The Teams: Pittsburgh and Washington

Sidney Crosby is on a team with Mark Recchi, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, and Petr Sykora…
… the additions of Viktor Kozlov and Michael Nylander were good… but Alexander Ovechkin is still as alone as Rocky Balboa on top of the mountain (that joke’s a bit of a stretch).

"You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you."

The Teams: New York Islanders, Edmonton, Boston

All of the above will be awful this year. The worst part is, I’m an Edmonton Oilers fan: but the fact that free agents avoid the city like the plague and that Kevin Lowe is incompetent make me wonder if I made the right choice.

"I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up."

The Teams: Calgary, Tampa Bay

Ah… John Tortorella always found a way to keep the Tampa Bay Lightning in the news. And now that Mike Keenan’s coaching again, how long until a coach finally pulls a John Gibbons and challenges one of his players to a fight?

"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."

The Teams: New York Rangers, Philadelphia, Buffalo

Remember how the salary cap was supposed to bring back competitive balance to the NHL? Now we’re 3 years removed from the infamy of the lockout and the Buffalo Sabres are once again being purged like the Red Army after their devastating military defeat at Leningrad.

Hmm… now… a World War II analogy for what the Rangers and Flyers did in the offseason: they would be like the Swedish or the Swiss: using their vast amounts of iron ore and other riches to profit while other countries struggle.

The worst part is, I actually have a Swedish reader … I’m sure he’ll let me know if that crosses the line.

"I’ve never met anyone with so little self awareness"

The Team: Toronto

Paul Maurice thinks that the Toronto Maple Leafs will make the playoffs, and challenge for the Stanley Cup. I think I’ve said enough about the Leafs in my previous column to let you know where I stand on this issue.

"When I was in the 6th grade I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure"."

The Teams: Ottawa, Los Angeles, St. Louis, Vancouver, Dallas

All of the above have either never won a cup or are historic playoff underachievers. Or if you’re the Dallas Stars, you have a goalie who’s been labeled as a playoff choker … even when you come within a game of beating the amazing Roberto Luongo.

"You can’t be Slytherin, they’re the bad guys"

The Teams: Detroit Red Wings

I don’t like the Detroit Red Wings… how they’re good every year… meanwhile I’m stuck cheering for a team that let Ryan Smyth go because he wanted to get paid what he was worth… unbelievable… there’s no joke here… I’m too pissed off. I originally had the Colorado Avalanche on this list because Ryan Smyth should only be playing for the ‘Oil… but I can’t root against a team with Joe Sakic and Ryan Smyth… I can’t do it.

"It’s a big loss… Dwight was our top salesman"
"WAS … our top salesman"
"I said was"

The Team: Anaheim Ducks

Anaheim … I hate them… I hope they don’t repeat. The last three cup winners have been Anaheim, Carolina and Tampa Bay: somewhere Frank "Pud" Glass is turning over in his grave... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_%22Pud%22_Glass

2007/2008 Maple Leafs Preview

I love the Leafs and Leafs fans, purely for entertainment value. My favorite is the stereotypical Leaf fan, "Joe from Woodbridge", who's always on the radio call in shows making outlandish claims like Alex Ponikarovsky has 50 goal potential.

I'm constantly having an argument with a good buddy of mine, who claims that historically the Leafs are a better team than the Edmonton Oilers. I argue that since their inception, the Oilers have five cups to the Leafs zero, making the Oilers a historically better team. When that doesn't shut him up, I raise the point that the Leafs once brought Calle Johansson out of retirement for a playoff run ... Calle Johansson!

Anyways... onto the preview... because Karate Kid is the greatest movie of all time, each player will be compared to a character from the movie franchise:

Nik Antropov - Injured Daniel LaRusso (All Valley Karate Championship Version)


Much like our favourite beleagured martial artist, Nik Antropov has had knee issues, with three reconstructive surgeries in his career. Also, like Daniel LaRusso in his fight scenes, it appears as though Nik has absolutely no idea what he's doing when he's out there...

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Darcy Tucker - Tommy from the Kobra Kai ("Get him a body bag... YEAAAAHHH!!!)

Tommy was a hothead with marginal skill who frequently lost his cool: Darcy Tucker's just a hothead.

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Mark Bell - Mr. Miyagi (Drunk Version)

"Banzai!!!"

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Alex Steen - Dutch (Played by Chad McQueen ... Steve McQueen's son)


Neither will ever step out of their father's shadow...


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Mats Sundin - Johnny Lawrence

Every time I watch The Karate Kid I know that Johnny Lawrence is leading a gang that will eventually come up short in the end... I feel the same way when Mats Sundin takes the ice every October.


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Bryan McCabe - Chozen


For those of you unfamiliar with the plot details of Karate Kid II, Chozen is the villain who bilks peasants out of money by posing as a legitimate merchant: Bryan McCabe has bilked MLSE out of millions of dollars by posing as a legitimate defender.


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Pavel Kubina - Ali Mills (played by the breathtaking Elisabeth Shue)

None of the beauty, none of the grace, all of the toughness: he may have even sprained his wrist punching somebody.

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And Finally...


Paul Maurice - John Kreese (Sensei of the Kobra Kai dojo) ... Played by Martin Kove

Both experienced highlights of their careers in these respective roles ... both will be unemployed 10 months later.

Coming Soon: 2007 Maple Leafs Preview

I'll try and post once a week from my bunker here in the 'Saug ... but I've been really busy lately.

I tried to watch that new show "K-Ville" tonight ... but I can't take Anthony Anderson seriously in any role: I can only see him as the fat three point shooter on "Hang Time".

On the topic of "Hang Time" here's a pic of the lovely Daniella Deutscher, who played point guard Julie Connor for the Deering Tornadoes ... and may or may not be currently starring in late night cinema.